critique Songwriting critique for Hiphop [KanyeWesttypestyle]

[wycho21]

 

[Work in progress!]

I'm really trying to make improvements on my songwriting skills, lyrics and rap delivery. The final version will not have me in it.

Please focus on:

-lyrics

-how it might sound with a professional rapper

-maturity and relevance of the song compared to current trend

-delivery

-melody

etc...

 

Verse1]

Been around the Globe couples times, and once more

If you don't believe me then, you can check my Visa.

I’ve seen the good and bad, witnessed the rich and poor

World full of preachers, but not enough teachya.s  

 

People strap c4s, when all their beliefs are shaken to the core.

I know what it's like to be sidelined, in the bleacha

Think about millennium, we should of voted al-gore

Wrong choices, like the leaning tower of Piza

 

How many hood niggas have to die,

Tell me How many hood mamas have to cry

For these youngbloods in the hood to realize

Why the coppers want you to stay on that side

They wanna prove their aim or ego, if you don’t comply,

You aint no pharoah, you cant take that when u die.

And Politicians, they don’t want you seeing the Sunrise,

Didn't you know? they the ones who planned the crack rise?

 

Hook]

 

I pray for god, but i can’t help feelin jaded,

I can’t help, that im running outta patience,

I guess im just tryna better my-self                                      

Im waiting on my salvation.

 

Thank you very much for your critique! the harsher the better! Lets get to it!

[Izzyysanchezz]

Hi I'm an up ancomjng artist and would love for you to be my ghost writer get back to me so we can do business asap