Jump to content

Your Ad Could Be Here

jacqhp

Sticking Around
  • Posts

    15
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    United States of America

jacqhp's Achievements

Newbie

Newbie (1/14)

1

Reputation

  1. Thank you for your reply I appreciate the insight. I wrote this about 16years ago but I remember feeling a desperate need to express my struggle to those who I cared about. At a time I felt rejected. I wouldn't get an opportunity to have an open conversation but really needed to express it. So this is what I did. I always thought it wasnt finished but i guess it was cause it remains as is
  2. Wow I guess im not expressing anything understandable to anyone else . No one has any feed back? Ok Well I guess thats feedback in itself. I think I will still leave it.I would like anyones comment thanks
  3. questions questions round and round.... just look at me now these wheels in my head spinnin round and round not up nor down but I wouldnt call em level somewhere in between sweet and big bad rebel im glad my conscience is still workin though its growing colder I compromised once, got the devil on my shoulder the fiend is coming out and Im obsessing again one more time I find the dopeman is my best friend All of my convictions Flushed down the drain Till a hardened psyco ogre is all that remains All of the bad habits I strived to reform Are creepin up and takin over till the beast is reborn I struggle and I squirm Puttin uo my best fight Powerless I fail Im wrapped to tight. With tears of anger in the shadows of shame I hide sinkin deeper Got myself to blame Still I refuse to admit that the altered within who is dirty rotten evil and claimin a win Is now in charge runnin the show hitten hard servin the blows Increasing speed of destruction I need to be stopped Out of control I get carless Im caught by the cops Now all that Ive done Compounds with a crash My feet are knocked from under fall flat on my ass Bend squat and cough the whole routine Demoralized already Got no self esteem Filled with guilt I lie on my bunk and my reality again my dreams Ive sunk So now what do I do? Where do I go from her How do I pick myself up? Im full of guilt and fear I failed again and I just cant see any light in the tunnel Its black as can be. So in the darkness I grope Confussed and blind God I know u see me Please untangle my mind Help me escape from this bondage inside Its consuming my life keeping me confined. round and round with questions why? why ve I given all I got Just to be high
  4. i want to erase this and start over but i dont have an edit button today
  5. all you owned you were wearin when you walked through the door then five years later you aint come up anymore
  6. I really need to edit this I can see where I somehow jumbled my sentences so let me fix that rigt here . I would apreciate any an all critique offered on unfinished work unless it needs to be finished before a critique is warrented. here it is semi edited First things first Lets get down to business If you aint runnin nothin I dont need a witness I dont need extra weght Can be poor on my own you aint bringin me up so leave me alone im bout to tell you what u r and it aint nothin nice your a back stabbin mother can i get more precise im bout to break it down so that you understand how weak your game makes ya just a boy not a man i aint no school girl and ur lazy ass aint cool go to your own house or your mamas have her cook you some food i can dig some company on weekends once in awhile but i aint one to be just hangin out bummin that aint my style a grown man needs to work ya,thats whats up stead of gettin high plottin who will get took Give urself along serious look in the mirror you aint a kid like how your actin can i be any clearer Nobody wants to carry your weight what makes you think you got it comin man giveme a break. you strut when you walk cause you think your all pimped out and then you brag about the bar flys that let you take them out Really dude stop its even embaressing to see and then after observing yyour ridiculous acts U want to ask out me Are you kidding foolio are you makin a joke ill never be that lonely desperate or broke Ive tried to be polite and brush off the insult but you wouldnt just drop it so heres the results I took you just to help you out and i guess you got it twisted what helpin you was about all you owned when you walked through the door and five years later u couldnt show much more
  7. First things first lets get doen to business if you aint runnin nothin i dont need a witness i dont need extra weight can be poor on my own you aint bringin me up so leave me alone im bout to tell you what you are and it aint nothin nice your a back stabbin motha can i get more precise im bout to break it down so you understand how weak your game makes u just a boy not a man you come over my house hangin out with my friend actin real polite to see where ya fit in I aint no school girl who thinks a your lazy ass is cool and though companyonthe weekend a grown man should be goin to work not be out actin a fool. then night afr night you both start visitin. i noticed evertime you got on your phone you sure werent quite i should have known when you started cussin snd yellin put that base in your tone. That you really had no regard for respect and recogonized the size of your intelect when you were just some dude brought to my house You let everyone know you had a fight with spouse As time went on i saw how you got down You would lie and cheat and twist things around then you walk back in claimin you worked it all out. Dont you know a reputation is made on what others see I dont need that bullshit you do affectin me you must think im stupid or maybe think I cant see
  8. I m not sure what you are meaning when you say kick it to the children who. It sounds like kick it to , means to me , kick them to the curb , but the surrounding sentence makes me think that is not what you mean . I think you are wanting to imply, kickin it with, the children who.Also because everyone is gifted on there own unique way, the part where it says , "thinkin they should be gifted too, might be re worded somehow, a suggestion , maybe say thinkin there game is smooth or there being true or something other than thinking they should be gifted, cause again, everyone is gifted. O thonk this is a postive message you want to express and i like that idea
  9. Thank you both. I hope you check out my lyrics and leave me two cents. Much appreciated
  10. Hey ot flows better. What did you change? Was it the word who? Or did you put in commas differently? I like it .Great job
  11. I hope Im posting correctly, I guess if Im not Ill find out soon. I tend to always start out with my mistakes right on front street, but Im wingin it most of the time. My names Jacquie and I have some lyrics I would like input on . Im hoping to get real critique. If everything were good, there wouldnt be any hits right. I also have an opinion which I would love to share with other writers in regard to others work. Im just a novice but input from a variety of people, is always useful to someone. I dont know that I have a capacity to pick a topic and write a song, though that would be awesome. I have only been inspired a few times. For me the times Ive written about are times in my life where I struggled. Where I had emotional overload and was seeking to figure things out as well as for someone to relate. I cant sing. I dont play an instrument either. So my lyrics have been rapped, but I would love to make them a song or maybe find someone who may be able to put them iin a musical form. I dont see my songs as hits, based on the contrversial topics, but I do think they have a message for young people who face life creating choices and some older people will have words that relate to some of their experiences as well. Thats about it for now.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By continuing to use our site you indicate acceptance of our Terms Of Service: Terms of Use, our Privacy Policy: Privacy Policy, our Community Guidelines: Guidelines and our use of Cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.