Machine

[Echappee]

Sometimes I wish,

I were a machine -

I'd watch all of them

with eyes that kill.

I would work

around the clock;

rest would be

redundant to me.

There would be

no need for friends;

nor a need

for support.

I would stop

at absolutely nothing

to attain

the highest power.

There would be

no need for lovers,

for my heart

would be of stone.

When you look

into my eyes,

they will be blank;

they will be dead.

My eyes would be

empty

I will own no

soul

Just organs

encased in

a hard frame.

A machine.

Edited September 18, 2008 by Echappee

[Echappee]

Hmm somehow I prefer how 'eyes that kill' sound like. I may be weird but yes, it's 'sounds' to me.

When I say 'when you look' I mean 'if you were to look' but then that would break the flow, wouldn't it?

I really welcome an in-depth review, if you don't mind

And thanks for taking the time to review my work!

[Nightwolf]

It is a lot harder to review Poetry than it is Lyrics since in my mind there is a lot more freedom. Looking for content mostly, these two stanzas stick out:

There would be

no need for friends;

nor a need

for support.

support seems a little weak here, maybee "nor need a helping hand"

I would stop

at absolutely nothing

to attain

the highest power.

a power mongering machine? perhaps, but here I feel it detracts from the content, I can only suggest losing this part altogether

All in all, very nice reading, I liked it. Nice flow, good reasoning, the idea has been done beefore, but it seems original here. Well Done!!

[Fapbreathe]

i like this too. It rang true with me, as there are so many people in this world who *are* very nearly machines, and a good few who have completed that transition.

There would be

no need for friends;

nor a need

for support.

some people really want that to be true. they want to feel indepandant and controlling.

and their eyes are dead. it takes a lot of layer removing and desperately trying to find something of worth, some little nugget of fascination, to get past that.

hmm, essentially all i've done here is agree with the content. Having never even attempted to delve into poetry I dont really know whether or not this is good by any standard, all i can say is i enjoyed reading it more than i ever enjoyed reading the likes of 'I Took The Path less Travelled By...' in Higher English two years ago so i guess thats something.

btw...

who is it you would be watching with eyes that kill?

[Echappee]

Hey Nightwolf:

There would be

no need for friends;

nor a need

for support.

I find that 'nor need a helping hand' doesn't quite fit into what I'm trying to bring across here - I'm saying it from the view point of a human being who has been reduced to a mechanical being due to being immersed and influenced by various negative aspects of society today.

I would stop

at absolutely nothing

to attain

the highest power

Yes, as I stated above, this human being is still a human being - a human being who has to climb the ladder of power in his/her profession. Although the title is 'Machine', I am referring to a human being who still has to do what about every human being does on earth: work, eat, and have people around [no matter how much this human being hates it]

Still, thanks for your comments, it definitely allowed me to understand my own piece more, with deeper meaning!

Hey Fapbreathe:

It rang true with me, as there are so many people in this world who *are* very nearly machines, and a good few who have completed that transition.

some people really want that to be true. they want to feel independent and controlling.

and their eyes are dead. it takes a lot of layer removing and desperately trying to find something of worth, some little nugget of fascination, to get past that.

I so agree with those lines.

'Them' is anyone - people around this "Machine", people who aren't like this "machine".

Thanks for your comments!