Walled In Pond

[jimharmon]

Walled in Pond

I went to the woods where it was serene

Where only nature did abound.

I sought to seek out my deepest thoughts

With only silence around.

I sat cross-legged on the ground

In the coolness of that shaded spot I found

Was just the rustling of the leaves in the trees

And one lone bumble bee.

The bee flew off and the rustling stopped

Leaving me in total silence lost.

There was in front of me a flat and reflective pond.

The longer I looked, the less I could see

And soon all my thoughts were gone.

I was lost on walled in pond.

Walled in pond, even myself was gone

Lost on walled in pond.

The only answers I found there

Is you can loose yourself and your thoughts

Like the rustling of the leaves

And the bumble bee

Stimulation is a must

To hold on to who you think you are.

But, it can be a freeing or frightning thing

To be lost on walled in pond.

© 5-2012 JAH

Edited May 9, 2012 by jimharmon

[RodChandler]

The longer I looked the less I could see...

Very nice, I can completely relate to reaching that Zen-like state where everything on your mind blends into nothingness. Losing yourself totally in the moment to where not even the passing of time is noticed. This one definitely took me to that pond, it was a very nice read.

[jimharmon]

Thanks. This is a take off on HD Thoreau's On Walden Pond.

You might consider joining our poets group...Poetic Proliferation

Edited May 9, 2012 by jimharmon

[psyve]

Jim,

Agree with Rod: this brought out beautifully the serenity of having nothing in ones mind , the absence of all thoughts....

Nicely said.

Am not familiar with On Walden Pond, but do get... and appreciate... the play on words here.

Again, the lyricist in me would, with the greatest respect, suggest you may want to reconsider some of your lines for meter and cadence. For example:

I went to the woods where it was serene

Where only nature did abound.

I sought to seek out my deepest thoughts (I'd lose a syllable here: perhaps replace "seek out" with "find"?)

With only silence around. (I'd add "all" before "around" as, for me, that would put the stressed syllables back in the correct places)

I sat cross-legged on the ground

In the coolness of that shaded spot I found (I'd Consider deleting "shaded" to retain the meter)

Was just the rustling of the leaves in the trees ( Far too many syllables in this line: I'd go for "Just a rustling in the trees")

And one lone bumble bee. (Consider replacing "lone" with "single" to get the meter back)

The bee flew off and the rustling stopped

Leaving me in total silence lost.

-Psyve

[jimharmon]

Thanks for the read and suggestions.

I'll edit per and see how it feels.