Need A Lyrics Critique

[kwfields979]

im a 17 year who wants to be a rapper/buisness owner, and i need help to see if im any good lyrically.

Verse 1: black sheep

i have become a social recluse
from all the social abuse
it makes me want to hang up the noose
make it tight
never let it loose
would people miss me
or would i not need a excuse
for my absence
and thats the reason
for my eteranl sadness
and that on top of my mental madness
and my hearts new found blackness
ive tried to fight it
but ive become satins apparatus
and because of this convoluted
and my personality has become so diluted
because ive been secluded
i speak in pain
and i speak it fluint
maybe i would be different
if i had been included
but i had to be secluded

Chorus

im tired of being the black sheep
tired of being the outcast
thats why i started rhymeing
and spitting real fast
but the depressions seeping in
and i cannot outlast
and like i said
im tried of being the black sheep
wish i had a friend
to keep me from the eternal sleep
when the grim reaper reaps

[justsoulin]

Hi and welcome.

Firstly, your first topic (this one) is about introducing yourself to us, so we can know a little about you. Once you do that, members tend to reply with things like "Hi, good to meet you" etc.

Then you might go over to the Lyrics Critique forum and open a new topic called - Need A Lyrics Critique. Then members over there would look at your lyrics and give you some feedback.

So you've added a request to critique in the wrong section I'm afraid.

Best thing to do is edit this by taking out the lyrics, and maybe telling us a bit more about 'you'.

Then "maybe" go and open a new topic in the Lyrics forum asking for some critique.

But by far the best thing to do, is spend a little time actually looking around all the forums, reading what other members have done, said, listened to, learned, changed, added, removed etc with their songs.

Because the situation here isn't really if 'we' think you're any good, it's whether you think you're any good, and right now you don't know. How do you get to know? By looking, reading, listening, writing, comparing, editing, rewriting (all these things repeatedly) - and being honest with yourself!

We all begin at zero. To rise above zero is a mental attitude situation. I'm not talking about simply telling yourself you're good, when you're not. It's more about changing you're perspective (in and through so many ways) which includes changing the part of your perspective that allows you to evolve, grow, change, develop etc.

But I'm getting ahead of myself - sorry.

Edit this topic, make a new one in Lyrics Critique, see where that takes you - if you want.

The one thing that new members seem to always do is rush into posting their written work, and mostly then wonder why no one replies or likes it.

OR you could instead, in order to know if you're good, learn what it takes to be honest to yourself about your 'own' words first.

It's a big learning curve kid, and one you can't expect others to hand over to you and one that takes time. You've got to do the legwork. You've got to understand all the parts of a song, at least at a basic level, how they all fit, what works and what doeesn't and why. You do that by reading with your ears open and critiquing - which in itself, is the very best way to learn most of it (and a subject in itself you need to learn to do it well!!!!!!).

You're next move will tell me who you are and how much you want this