How To Choose The Right Mental Health Provider

[macmanmatty]

Not a song but this a  piece I wrote on choosing the right mental health provider

 

 

 

How to pick the right metal health advisor.

 

With so many options out there for care providers when your mind your mind is not right you have a lot to consider maybe this piece will help some in the decision making process.

 

 

 Patient: I tried to get a record deal in Nashville but was turned down now I'm severely depressed what should i do?

psychologist: You need talk about your depression and set lesser goals to achieve and then work to bigger ones. For $75 an hour we can talk about this for 4 times a week, and you problems should be solved.

psychiatrist: You are bipolar take 600mg of these 5 medications and come back  to my office in 2 weeks for another 75$ appointment to let me know how you are doing. Please me tell if you have any of these symptoms high blood sugar, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, extremely high feelings, extremely low feelings, extreme thirst, ECT.

Bartender: You've been to Nashville???!!! and play guitar??!!  Are you free this friday? Do you want a gig ?

Best Advice:  BARTENDER!!!

Patient:There are monsters living under my bed and at night I think there coming to get me do I need help?

psychologist: Yes, You should talk to me 5 times a week about these monsters at 80$ an hour. If you do not face them they will not go away.

psychiatrist: YES!!!!, But I can't give it to you, You are in an EXTREME state of psychosis and need to be committed immediately. I'm dialing 911 now!!!

Bartender: No, All you need is a hack saw. If you cut the legs off of your bed the monsters can no longer live under there.

Best Advice:  BARTENDER!!!!

Patient:The The Foreman on my construction job is rude and lazy which makes me very angry and I want to punch the days lights out of him and throw him in the dumpster is that a good idea?

psychologist: No, You have hard feelings for your boss and need to find out why I will help you talk about your ill-placed feelings for this boss of yours an make you not direct your anger at him come to me 6 hours a week for 85$ and hour. Also one hour is almost up.

psychiatrist: NO!!!, You are bipolar take 800mg of these 8 medications and come back to my office in  2 weeks for another 75$ appointment to let me know how you are doing. Please tell me if you have any of these symptoms high blood sugar, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, extremely high feelings, extremely low feelings, extreme thirst, ECT. Also I have this form about liability I need you sign before I write the prescriptions.

Bartender: No, You should never hit your boss that is assult, just get drunk and blow up his car. I have shots 5$ each buy 4 get one free. the dynamite is in the back. I think he just pulled in, His truck is green right?

Best Advice: BARTENDER!!!!

Patient:My My wife just left me  and I have sad feelings and wish I could die. I still lover her though.

psychologist: You are morning the loss of your love and need to find out why you still love her I will help you talk about your mixed feelings for your love and move on with your life come to me 7 hours a week for 90$ an hour. Your hour is up that will be 90$. I take cash, Credit, Check, Paypal, Silver or Gold.

psychiatrist: You are bipolar and have extreme lows right now take 2000mg of these 10 medications and come back in a 2 weeks for another 75$ appointment to let me know how you are doing. Please tell me if you have any of these symptoms high blood sugar, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, extremely high feelings, extremely low feelings, extreme thirst, ECT. DO NOT DRINK ON THIS MEDICATION!!!!!!

Bartender: whoever said alcohol was a depressant was a lier and a communist. You need to get real drunk and forget about it. I'll give my special heartbreaker deal, t two shots for $5 each and the third one is on the house. Say isn't the sheriff looking for your foreman's truck?

Best Advice: BARTENDER!!!

So you can see if you have any mental health issues screw the psychologists and psychiatrists just get drunk and vista a bartender. You feel  will much better , keep your sanity,  and have a lot more money in the end!!

[justsoulin]

Please note, Mac is not a medical person and this is just for fun

[macmanmatty]

Please note, Mac is not a medical person and this is just for fun

 

not a mental person? I'll let you know that my mind is far from normal and I have 6 bartenders that say so. Although I think one is trying to hit on me!!!

[MikeRobinson]

One of them's not a bartender ... he's a songwriter.  Just the one you want when the heat starts turning up . . .