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Insane Kid

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I'm new over here and....hope you guys like it!

Imma tell you a story about a kid at school who thought he was the greatest kid around in this town
He's a hero, a cool guy and a fool
He owns all of us and the school too
He's weird and got lice stuck up his fur
With all that crap, he still gets his girls
He thinks he's tall and got muscles
But he's small and got a structure
of a pig, having fun at a oil rig
Wears his jeans below his knees
Thinks he's a gangsta but he's a disease
It's disgusting and horrible to see his clothes
Actually, its adorable to see his clothes
Damage's and takes over our mind
It's all fine, he blew it up and i find
That I wanna stay in the same school
No one's as 'COOL' as this lame ghoul
We all worship him and we're his hand tool
it never hurts me, 'cause he never curse's me
with all that power, he calls everyone a coward
he's got nothing without his friends
I just don't wanna cling to his hens
'Cause if i do so, then I'll be evil
And then in the future, a weaver
Or maybe even a drug dealer
And right now, he's the best 'brain' healer
There's a criminal on the loose, calls himself God Zeus
We all call him a moose, cant do crap but abuse
tearing everyone's brain, costing everyone pain
We gotta find that grain, before he gets away
Why do you call me names that are lame
Right now, we gotta tame you and blame you
For all the mischief you did but kid
Why'd you put the blame on me?
For all the crap, that you did and see
I'm pissed and wanna throw my fist at ya
its not a miss but a perfect hit and kissed at ya 
I never pretended or was suspended
by a rope tied up, never gonna cry or die 
It's all lies, about me trying to suicide
I'm not like your friends or what your friends think
I'm different and listen stop it with the wedding ring
You ain't ready to get married but to get buried
I don't really care about it, so, i ain't worried
Stop making out right now, your acting like chow
Playing with dick's, i can't imagine how
Gross and sick is it to see 'em
And the toys you bring, i do see 'em
There's a criminal on the loose, calls himself God Zeus
We all call him a moose, cant do crap but abuse
tearing everyone's brain, costing everyone pain
We gotta find that grain, before he gets away
I saw you in principal's office, when you locked it
You hugged her, you f*cked her and 'blocked' it
Thanks to you, D P S drowns!
I heard she hit you hard and straight down
You wailed too loud and broke your crown 
My hate, it's too much, it's too less
Life's like a maze and I'm in mess
It's a long quest and i gotta lot of stress
I just wanna rip him into small pieces
Release the pictures in public so people can see 
Just the way he likes embarrassing people with no degree
Of stopping it, or mopping up his mistakes
He takes no responsibility and fakes
That he didnt do anything in the first place
There's a criminal on the loose, calls himself God Zeus
We all call him a moose, cant do crap but abuse
tearing everyone's brain, costing everyone pain
We gotta find that grain, before he gets away
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hey man , welcome to the site !!  be sure to critique at least two other posts for every post you post ,cool , it is what makes this site work , !!!1

now onto your song

you have a few good lines here , but some not so good ! and I feel your hook is a bit weak , the first line could work in the hook , after that it seems forced , the hook is what the reader/listener will remember , this misses the mark a bit ,

in your verses the story kind of flip flops , and again seem forced on the rhymes, try to use metaphors and such , to keep the story fresh and not book like , some good lines like I said but also you want to grab the attention of the people and hold them , also on this site if you have a beat to post with the rap , it helps a lot ,for a lot of us here are not familiar with rap, so it helps us follow what you are doing .

I think the story if tweaked and re written you could pull it back to where you want it to be


and there is a lot more stuff on here for writing a solid lyrics, look around , have fun , if you need help in anyway , feel free to conyacyt me ,

rock on !!

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in simple words :D (thnx tom) basically, make the hook stronger, change the first line of your hook since it's to keep the listeners on track with your song, it addicts them to it basically. you need to keep the story line the same, its kinda like saying "they lived happily ever after but satan came and stabbed them" sorry for that line but it came to me at the time. and to me, it kind of feels you came about this in the wrong way? 


peace :)

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Personally I thought it was a bit dry. Perhaps you were rhyming words just to 'fill the gaps'? I couldn't imagine this on audio to be honest, it's average. (Don't take it personally, we all start somewhere). But I have a few tips for you, if you want to write rap lyrics. 


Firstly, think about your structure. I've written LOTS of rap songs and structure directly relates to flow.


Let me give you an example of a simple scheme. I'll highlight the flow and emphasis points.


'He walked through broken glass in his own skin,

With a knife getting jabbed in his broke ribs'


This scheme has both two words at the end of each sentence, which rhyme, but also a rhyme in the middle of the sentence. Multiple rhymes are one thing that make the difference between an average rap and a good one. But even this can be taken further.


'He roamed back, black and purple through glass in his own skin,
With a whole inch of steel getting jabbed in his broke ribs.'


The scheme/flow is arguably the most important aspect of rap, after the ideas. Lyrical content in rap music can be about anything, and the actual IDEA you have is quite good - the school bully. But your execution seems a little flat and unoriginal. The words you've used to rhyme are common, and your scheme is more like simple poetry than rap. However, there's no reason your ideas can't be presented with much more force and effort.


Some things to think about are the perspective the rap is written from. Can you try writing it from the bully's perspective? What about giving two sides of the argument? For instance, bullies are often bullied at home. Just like a story or an article, rap can have a much more profound effect when it consider's both sides of the 'argument'. You could expand your story to take in the cause and effect of life. He gets bullied, he bullies others, and others bully.


At the moment you portray your disdain for the bully, which is fine, but what about some deeper introspections of yourself? Is self confidence an issue? Is there a reason this bully takes up so much of your psyche that you've dedicated a whole rap to him?


Here's a quick idea.


'The bully retorts with perspective force,

HIs invective forged as an effective scorn,

I reflect, engorged in my vex, ignore him

then inflect my voice so it's just ice and storm shit,

He's alone, of course, gets no rights with his own hurts,

Like his whole world is just an vindictive plight, cold curse,

With my own verbs I think I'm higher than whole worlds, above him, 

Disgusted I cuss him, but find this whole verse

.. Shows I've become him' .. 


That's obviously a bit abstract but you get the idea. You project a very singular view for the reader. You hate the bully, is the overall message, but it needs depth.

Edited by Medi
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