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Id like a critque and ideas for this song.


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  • Noob

(verse 1)

I wouldnt say I'm  the illest nigga around
But I  got a style so sick it would infect half of town
Oh wow 
It's about to go down
I made myself so proud 
That I  made it out
No doubt
That I'll help out
My mothers 
Damn I miss my brothers 
One biological 
The other psychological 
If you saw the relationships you'd say its illogical 
To me its only probable
But i got a problem bulh
And that's my brain is a mutha f*ckin obstacle 
This depression is unstoppable 
But make me wanna stop it all
But its the only time i take my advice 
And think twice
Before grabbin a knife
To slice 
My throat 
Once i grabbed a rope
And tied of my throat
And I hopped of the bed
I didnt wish to be dead
Just lost my head
I'll a moment in time
Now let me take a moment to rhyme
To the top I'll climb
Just one day at a time
Line after line
Dime after dime
You see this shine the shit be mine

 

(hook)

Yo i need to get away 
Yea i want a get away
I can't wait for the day
I can get away
Yeah i plan to get away
So i can get away
And stay so f*ckin far away
I won't come back tomorrow 
Not another day

 

(verse 2)

Nah I got no hate for my city
But a lot of these memories make me feel shitty
Such a pity
Such a pretty city
Really is grimey gritty
Low down and shifty
Gettin rid of us swiftly 
Some i hardly knew ye
But I miss all of U.Ms fallen
Its so appallin
Got my skin crawlin
Like i was addicted to meth
For a lot addictions all they got left
Freak shit goes down in the U.M.
Bruh you thought you know him 
But didnt see the insanity 
That he'd slaughter his whole family
Like he planned it hes 
on a different planet we
Couldn't believe it gees
He OD'ed on what
After robbin what
From where 
Dawg why would he dare
Ligthbulb no socket
Probably cause of whats in his pocket
Hypodermic needles
And a bag of evil

 

(spoken word) 

Bruh I've been through some shit. We all have. Its not about who's been through some most. It should be who can endore more with a smile. That person right there sets the example for the one that can barely carry a frown. To show them I've been over the edge but i was able to reach. I've been at rock bottom and learned to climb. Its not i did it so you can. It I did it now what do you need to get here my g. Ya dig like this worlds f*cked up enough for everyone to be gunnin for the next man. Wolves hunt in packs. Lions live in prides and whales in pods. They didn't become apex predators because they fought each other. It was unity my nigga, unity

 

(verse 3)

Bruh my shit was f*cked up
You dont even know what im talkin about 
So lets explain my pain 
So i can show you that i
Know what the f*ck I mean 
About unity
Nigga f*ck 2015
Forreal my g 
I'll never swollow another pill my g
That shit kill my g
And that shit nearly killed me 
Almost literally killed me
But no fear in me
To lay on the concrete 
Of a dark street
I'll tell you this 
The shit was bliss
Alone on this road 
With no control 
Someone happens to roll
Real slow
Telephone patrol
They arrived and find I'm not high
In a psych ward 5 days where i reside
Inside i looked inside to find
I try not to survive 
So I swallowed my pride
To look inside

To see that I've been broke inside for quite some time
No reason why i wouldn't write some rhymes
To past the time 
Finding myself with psych patients
With all patience in the world
f*ck waitin for the world
To change like John Meyer said... 

 

Theres one verse left but im not sure how I'd like to continue any suggestions would be highly appreciated 

Edited by CashiousDray
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