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so here are my first lyrics, i hope you guys give me feedback.

 

P-Kalis - the darkside

was born 01' and was starting paid to kick off
got tha J's like wiz, 
and got that cash like Rick Ross, 
quick shot, 
at my photo sessions,
life will always be a lesson, ah yeah
i'm running too quick, yeah ah
great escape,
Momma said she'll might be not the only girl you fall in love,
but today, today?
damn, i still love her, shot
i, i .. was taking some drugs,
was drinking some alcohol,
was poppin' some E's 
was listen to Johnny's shows,
was taking my rope,
for chicks that I show it off..  (haha, yeah)

(hook)
If you might being in love with her,
you should go and take a chance with her,
cause everybody knows, patrick you'll be f*cked up later
so go and dance with her together.
dance with her together

I know,
I fell out of touch,
and this probably won't amount to much
but if I still sit here,
I'm about to watch,
that girl,
that I loved so much,
I've asked me, and never gave up,
if she might love me too, too, too, too
but I just thought off the baddest,
Cause I've been chasing these hoes too much, much, much
all the time,
layed there,
In my bed,
ran to quick,
but I still escaped,
cause the only thing that i don't knew is she was from the darkside
and now these girls get a little taste of this darkside, damn.
 

I know my english isn't that good, but i'm still trying

just let me know what you guys think.

 

thank y'all

Patrick

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I think this is in the wrong forum (paging @Songstuff to move it if it is) but I can still give feedback.

 

The content is there, but the rhyme scheme is a bit iffy. I like what you're trying to say, but it reads much more like slam poetry than rap music.

 

On 1/30/2017 at 4:42 PM, Pkalis said:

but I just thought off the baddest,
Cause I've been chasing these hoes too much, much, much
all the time,
layed there,
In my bed,
ran to quick,
but I still escaped

 

This part especially, I can't find the rhyme scheme. While I do think you've got a good message, bad rhyming will kill the song before it even gets started.

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  • 3 weeks later...

The style's there for sure man. Your subjects are creative and different which is great! Now to the cons.. In terms of subject matter, you make alot of references to things people might not know about for example

"was born 01' and was starting paid to kick off
got tha J's like wiz,"

who's the wiz? This might just be me but I'm not sure everyone will know about that. Maybe somehow integrating a better reference to the "wiz" that people can grasp onto. To the point, that if they're like me and they don't understand what you're talking about, you have given a clear reference, that we can research upon and see what you're talking about. Then someone like me would be like "dam ok so that's the wiz gotcha".

 

Besides that (and I'm sorry for running off like this) your rhyme schemes aren't working man. 

Quote

 

Cause I've been chasing these hoes too much, much, much

all the time

layed there

in my bed 

ran to quick

but I still escaped

 

None of these words you're using integrate with each other. Rappers like Eminem have a sort of interchangeable supremacy to their lyrics, where his lyrics work together to form a perfectly rhythmic scheme. Here's an example from "The way I am" by Eminem

Quote

I sit back, with this pack, of zigzags 
And this bag, of this weed , 
It gives me, the shit needed to be, the most meanest M-C on this 
On this earth 'cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just curse 
And just blurt this berserk and bizarre shit that works 

Study this short 4/5 and pay attention to his emphasis (in bold) and his run ons (in italics). Within his punchlines he has little impacts that keep the listener focused on what he's saying. "I sit BACK with this PACK of ZIGZAGS" not only has it caught my attention as a listener it made sense and it rhymed. Not all rhyme schemes need to rhyme per line essentially, but they need to rhyme eventually. 

 

Now lets go back to your small scheme that I took out.

All the time

layed there

in my bed

ran to quick

but i still escaped

 

"All the time" and "layed there" don't integrate with each other nor does one line emphasis the next. That'd be fine if the third line emphasized the first two lines "in my bed" which it doesn't. Please don't get mad but I'm going to try to re-organize this structure to what works in my mind.

 

all the time

laid there, feelin fine

in my bed, it was so sublime 

ran too quick, I tripped

but I still made it out the exit.

 

I tacked on a few words that ran on to drop on the point of emphasis. Getting to the point directly and precisely is fine in some cases (especially in today's music), but sometimes its crucial to add run-ons for these points to make sense. 

 

 

I know, this is almost too much information at once. But I can sense potential love for the craft from you, if you got a little more deeper into the small inter-related parts of rap.

Here's some homework for ya. 

 

Rap has derived from old spoken poetry that originated during slavery in North America, you could call them work songs. They would rhyme and sing their sorrows together in rhythm of their work. Here's an example from a work song called "Dollar Mamie" first publicly performed by  Judge "Bootmouth" Tucker and Alexander "Neighborhood" Williams in 1939.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DollarMamie.ogg

 

Research topic:

History of Rap

Originators of Rap

What is "MC"? Master of ____

Where did "battling" derive from?

 

Self reflection topics:

Why am I rapping?

What's my message?

What's my purpose?

Who would I like to influence?

 

Important people:

Rakim

Nas

Tupac

Biggie Smalls

Eminem

Beastie Boys

Dr.Dre

Eric B.

Nate Dogg

 

Watch this movie as well 

The quality is better on netflix if you have it.

 

Here's an important snippet that I cut for a school project two years ago...

 

 

I kind of went off the rails here haha... I tend to do that, I hope you take the time to do some research and enjoy hip hop bruh! Take care and you better improve your skills.

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