lyrics I guess? (feedback greatly appreciated)

[justgivingthisashot]

Beginner, non-native english speaker, this started as poetry but as it leaned more and more towards the angry side I thought rap would suit it better. Not quite sure I like the ending yet. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

 

With bullying there's always someone suicide-bound

Same as always, why would it be different now?

Why expect a diff'rent outcome this time around?

"They're just messing about"

(f*ck) no they ain't we gotta stop this shit now

Stop it now, not another one chosing the easy way out

One of 'em "just having fun" - running his mouth

While the other kid's crying, running back to his house

'bout to take his life I hope you're listening now

Believe me, I don't want you missing this show

Hanging there, a few twitches rippling down

The face of this little boy, robbed of all of his joy

Now silent, stagnant, just cause of the clothes he put on

Never did anything wrong

You f*cking bullied him, you weren't "just having fun"

Blood on your hands, we'll forever know what you've done

Go ahead then, f*cking try to run

But don't worry, we'll rememeber you were the one

[evanwou]

 

This is really good,  and even more impressive because english is not your first language. It makes sense as poetry and rap, even as slam poetry! In my opinion to really know for sure if its good for a rap song, I would try singing it on a beat, or a instrumental found online. That way you can see if the syllables flow together properly. Otherwise, great content, very emotional. 

 

[justgivingthisashot]

37 minutes ago, evanwou said:

 

This is really good,  and even more impressive because english is not your first language. It makes sense as poetry and rap, even as slam poetry! In my opinion to really know for sure if its good for a rap song, I would try singing it on a beat, or a instrumental found online. That way you can see if the syllables flow together properly. Otherwise, great content, very emotional. 

 

Thanks man, glad you like it. Appreciate the feedback, I'm still looking for the kind of beat that would fit this best, but just rapping it over different beats has helped me get a better idea of what I want it to sound like in terms of flow/rythm, so thanks for the tip.