Hello and I got only lyrics this far, any feedback?

[BlackBeret]

Hello guys I'm new to the forum and Reddit didn't do so well. I'll jump straight to it. I'm a beginner, perfectionist and I recently finally wrote my heart out and just wanna know if it's worth anything. Here is the post with my lyrics.

 

You know I love you I lie to myself,
tell myself that you'll be back, but those are left overs of what you used to be, what we used to be, like waking up for work on a day off. 
Feels something like that. 

Just a memory.

Just a memory now and it's cold, rough like concrete, concrete heart. 
I might be cheesy and corny, but I try my best I think. 
Cannot word it any other way. 
Don't know if I lost something when I met you after years of not seeing you.
Cannot lie I was disapointed and there is no way to perfect it so f*ck it I'll just pour it into paper on my writing.  

You know I miss you, how you used to be how we were, together.
How we feared none, they felt that. 
They respected us,  we were the perfection and knew that. 
We knew that god damn it and you were perfect and still are perfect just not for me and I'm sorry you endured so much pain after and before I'm sorry. 
Really am. 

Am crying now and probably will recording this, but babe 

I loved you and you are my canvas for beauty, always will be my dear one and no one will replace you, you know that. 

Maybe we did not always get along, but I will admit my drinking did it, the fact that I'm bipolar did too and I was in mania and started drinking yeah I f*cked up again. 
You said it was my choice, that I blamed the sickness, but f*ck it I'll admit it was my choice. 
Here, are you happy?
You are right and wrong, at the same time.
I will admit my mistake and say that it was all me.
Because it's men.
That's what men do or suppose to do. Admit it even if it wasn't your fault, just make her feel better.
Cause that's what men do.
And I wasn't enough of a man to do so in time, maybe we could've been friends, but I wanted more, wanted more and when I realized it was nothing more, I raged and got defensive and turned to this cluster f*ck

And I will spare your name, but this dom you had was a choice or nah?
Just like I stayed after that.
I respected your mind, your poor heart, abused heart and it was no matter what you say in your defense of perfect child hood. 
You had food yeah, clothe yeah, but far from perfect cause it was all gone. Happy family was gone just like I am with that too.

Best advice to men of the world, don't drink it's not worth the pain and risk.
Go drink, be responsible, my advice is heard, I don't wanna change you, but when shit hits the fan remember me of how I told you to stop while you can. Even if you can control it, it's a warning. It might cost you a lot more so re think a drink and buy her something.
That's a luxury I would love to afford, see her smile, laugh.

You know I don't know what to say to you or myself.
I guess I gotta find myself again, within myself and not other people. 
Maybe that's why I was wrong, I relied on happiness from you, maybe that's why I wasn't happy and it led me to my choices,  but I'm sure that's the way universe played out for us, me and you. 

That's it I think I made my peace with it, but f*ck you for doing this. I wish I never met you because it left me with a scar that's gushing blood from time to time. 
I'm sure you feel the same way, sometimes. 
I hope we never meet each other again under any circumstances. 

I really do. 

 

 

That is all. Let me know if you have any tips or constructive feedback. All is welcome. I would like to know what you think of a content too if you may. Thank you guys.

[Capo3tanya]

Hi Black Beret,

 

Wow!  This seems like it all came out in one gusher.  Are you a musician? Do you intend to put it to music?  There's enough material here to mine for lyric but it'd take time and work.  

 

Alcohol can be a demon, I know that myself. I wish peace to your heart!!!  🌞🌈🌻🌼🌺

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Is this rap?  Cause I don't know much about rap to critique it as rap.  However as far as content, its a bit confusing at times as to who you are addressing.  Your ex-partner or yourself as it seems you go back and forth between talking to yourself and her in your mind or on paper.  Its a wee bit overwhelming to follow.  However, if you are trying to relay a manic sort of feel to it in doing that, you've got that down by darting back and forth in thoughts..

In your first line, I'm not quite sure how you intend.
1) You know I love you, I lie to myself (as in you might not know,  but I tell myself that you do know).

2) You know I love you.  I lie to myself (as in I don't love you, but I'm going to tell myself that I do).  
or is it that the "I lie to myself is setting up the lines that follow?
The music and vocal intonation could say it all, but unless you are doing the music, you'll have to relay to the musician how you want it expressed.

That's a lot of words there and also a bit overwhelming to critique.  Do you envision this with fast-pace music because I think you would need that to keep the audience interest until the end.  It certainly would fit with the manic feel of the lyrics.

I like your line "Its just a memory. Its rough and cold now, cold like concrete".  That's a really good image of a feeling.

I'm not following a structure here.  If there is some structure (and there may possibly be -- hard to tell without line breaks), it's very unstable.  Again, fits the feel of the lyrics.

I'm not really able to critique much further because it just seems as though there are multiple facets of thought going on in this song and its hard for me to gather it up in a tidy summation in my mind.

There are some nuggets that shine in this song.  I believe that @Capo3tanya has seen the glint of them also.  Its just going to take some mining.  

Edited June 9, 2018 by Pahchisme Plaid

[MomentOfTruth]

Hey! so first off I wanted to thank you for sharing all that, it must've been difficult to not only get all that down on paper (or screen) and then share it with us.

As a song lyric, your work here doesn't have much structure, so there's a manic kinda feel to it, which is okay, but you'll have to match that atmosphere with the right beat as mentioned previously by Pahchisme Plaid. To critique this as a lyrics, I feel , is unfair to what you've produced here, because it hasn't been transformed into a song yet. If you were to find an instrumental you feel matches what you wrote here then tailored your words to fit the bpms of the track we'll have something for sure.

Hope this isn't interpreted the wrong way, I just felt like what you wrote was more of a journal entry than an actual song, but I still think we can turn the entry into a super powerful track, you clearly have the skills to describe a scene, we just gotta give it musical structure!