crap that my dad told me

[merciful evans]

crap that my dad told me by evans

at the time of the franco-prussian war,

& the spanish invasion of the azores,

america hadn’t been invented, and so wasn’t there

they just had water before the water relented

there was no notion of a USA

there was just ocean & ocean spray

where were all the red Indians then?

they was in the water son

to and fro and back they swum

they just swum about until about 1710

to hell and back in the pacific, to be specific

dad, what are Russians like?

son, Russians are just Prussians that are constipated.

it took me years to figure that one out.

he could be a right twat at times my dad

he really could be

and it scares me that we’re related

why do they all wear those furry hats?

they are all bald like Kruschev

who’s Kruschev?

he was the leader of Russia.

he used to play inside left for tottenham hotspur before he moved there

why did he move there?

because he was bald.

the russian steppes of ice & snow

is the place that the bald fellers go

are all the ladies bald in russia too?

no they got fur

fur all over their whole exterior

from the tips of their toes to northern siberia

down the gas club my dad drank with vladimir nabokov

who told of a big devil in hell that the other devils are scared of

and vladimir, he’d been through hell that bloke

they used to make him go and fetch the coke

til one day at hells gate, vladimir hid

old nick tried to find him, and he bloody near did

dad, what does the big devil look like?

well, it looks a bit like taz and a bit like your nan

how do you know?

vlad took a photo of it on our old rolliematic

the one that’s up there in the attic

can I see the picture dad? please can I dad? PLEASE...

so he showed me a picture of grandma louise

gor…! what is it called?

well, it don’t really have a name

& no one knows from where it came

a bit like your cousin ruth, to tell the truth

its locked up in chains, but those chains are rusted, and not to be trusted

i cant see no chains?

the chains is round his ankles

and cemented into that wall with the bamboo wallpaper

behind the sideboard and the tub of fly-kill vapour

who chained it up?

old nick says he did, but he couldn’t of

not according to nobokov

alone he couldn’t restrain it at all

let alone chain it up to a wall

why is it smiling?

because its just eaten someone

my dad thought that all this was fun

but he wouldn’t do it in front of my mum

she would have killed him stone dead

if she had heard what he had said

Jan 2006

[ATom2]

crap that my dad told me by evans

dad, what are Russians like?

son, Russians are just Prussians that are constipated.

it took me years to figure that one out.

he could be a right twat at times my dad

he really could be

and it scares me that we’re related

Great, but I hope that's a typo!

[Steve]

There's never a bloke in a white coat around when you need one is there?

[nightpoet]

Made me LAFF, I thought me pants would never dry.

[emptylane]

Lol it's hilarious! Love it!xxxx keep it up

[Hope4Peace]

wow, and i thought my father was messed up