sgtsoul
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Posts posted by sgtsoul
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Sorry I missed your return John. Been offline for a while now but am back online...Very excited to get back into it. Just thought I'd respond straight away so you know there are still some of us keen
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I used to love visiting this Challenges section for ideas and challenges. I wuld love to get it started again but don't wanna step on anybodys toes. Thought I might start by gauging interest in reviving Lyrics Challenges and go from there
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A big hearty welcome back John!
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I got out of one writers block by writing a song called Writers Block
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Cheers John. I'll give it a read in the name of improving myself. My main problem at the moment is a long term one - I go through long periods of inactivity S9sometimes mood based, sometimes due to heavy workload etc), periods of being able to come up with snippets here and there, and eventually it's like the dam breaks and I can actually get some writing done. I have been back writing 12months now after a 6 year writers block. I currently have around 150 ideas/snippets/titles/verses with only 2-3 at the half finished stage. I've felt the dam about to break for 2 months now but its like one of those annoying sneezes that teases you a few times before it happens
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I am in the same boat as Les actually. Stuck on a premise and title but haven't got much further. Just don't want you thinking we aren't interested. Still have a couple of days so I am hoping to come up with some inspiration
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Nice work...and when I read it, I hear Bono singing the verses (it seems to flow like something he'd sing) and Lorde on the chorus which is funny because she sings "We didn't know You are God"....given that Bono is often accused of thinking he is god this is a funny little twist
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Thanks James. For most of your suggestions, there is a method to the madness
The title - I know that Heartburn means indigestion (lifelong sufferer here). I was taking a common phrase and giving it a new meaning. Double entendre. I might look at saying "you give mme heartburn" to make that double entendre clearerThe "sounds like 3 people together".....yep, spot on. The events described in this song (although vaguely, as per the challenge) are a lover cheating on the person with their best friend. Thus, "the one who was supposed to catch me when I fall" refers both to the lover and the best friend. "kicking me when i am down" - the person finds out that the one the lover cheated with was their best friend.
For the other points referring to "not a burn image" - I didn't want to overload it with the same thing over and over.
Coming thru the tone? Doesn't really makes sense.
I do appreciate the time and though you put into your feedback...but none of it really works for what I wanted to write. -
HEARTBURN
Half a photograph, from a lifetime agoStared at it so long I see it with my eyes closedLook at how I’m smiling, it was just before the endWe were standing arm in arm with my best friend.....I stare at the walls until it feels like hours goneI look down at my watch and see it’s been just oneThe words inscribed on it say you’d always be aroundNow you’re kicking me when I’m down.....Here you go again rubbing salt into my woundsA bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of youYou give me Heartburn.....A familiar voice, one I’ve always knownThere’s no love left in at as it comes down through the phoneBrings echoes of the past, of the way we used to laughBut now the truth shines a light on what I thought we had.....The one supposed to be there, and catch me when I fallHow could you and why would you make me feel so smallYou were my whole world, you were every sight and every soundNow you’re kicking me when I’m down……
CHORUSTake another piece from the heart that never learnsPour some gasoline onto the fire that still burns You give me Heartburn.....BRIDGEBurning like love letters thrown into the fireAll those words go up in smokeThe flames consume me waiting here to diealone ….so my pain will go unspokenHere you go again rubbing salt into my woundsA bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of youYou give me Heartburn.....
Take another piece from the heart that never learnsPour some gasoline onto the fire that still burns You give me Heartburn.....OUTROHalf a photograph, from a lifetime agoStared at it so long I see it with my eyes closedA familiar voice, one I’ve always knownThere’s no love left in at as it comes down through the phoneBrings echoes of the past, (fade out+echo) -
Blues Man! I love everything about this song musically speaking. And lyrically speaking it is a great example of the "less is best" method. How did you get such a good sound, do you have a home studio?
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I think the challenge was meant to be about a personal betrayal, with raw emotion. I love the song, and the sentiment, (I've coounted many Vietnam vets and two Afghan vets as friends) I am not sure it is on topic with the challenge though.
*"generic of events" your narrative is based on identifiable events
* ""It's all about the open honesty and rawness of emotion man! Emotion, emotion, emotion! We want it to touch our soul and make it weep in beautiful but sad colours man. Man I'm hungry, any idea where I can get some munchables?""...the lyric tells a story, it asks some questions, it tells us we should remember them, it doesn;t really have any emotion in it though -
The good news is you're not a robot.....you do feel feelings. By suppressing the emotion, you do at least ackowledge its existence. So remember that brief second of hurt and rage before you suppressed it. Imagine you didn't suppress it, imagine what it would be like to have that emotion as all your brain could focus on for hours, days weeks, imagine it consuming you.
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No worries...I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of Sheldon Cooper when you asked how to learn emotions
I am also a thinker, at times I over think things. I used to over think lyrics to the point of ultra perfectionism, and looking back on those times I found I had too many songs that were too "wordy" if that makes sense. I am now reborn and am trying to go for "less is best" and get to the point and the emotion.
I am also a feeler, and at times, I over feel things. At times I would rather be able to suppress like you do. -
"....but if you know of some resources or articles that talks about how to write lyrics with more raw emotion, I'd definitely be interested in reading them.
....maybe also narrative story lyrics aren't the correct format for "raw emotion" songs.
Thanks again.
"Yeah. That's what I was saying. I think a narrative format doesn't really lend itself to the raw emotion as much as putting yourself in that position and relating how you felt. You can tell a story about something that happened to you in a matter of fact way, or you can make it more "personal". Given that the band wanted it to relate to their personal lives, I am not sure a biblical narrative is what they would be after.
As for " resources or articles that talks about how to write lyrics with more raw emotion"....I am not sure emotion can be taught or learned from a book. We all have emotions, just look back in your life to a time you felt betrayed. When writing about emotion, the best lyrics are often written from a very personal perspective.
Points for mentioning my main man Johnny Cash. I have read a lot about the man, and he agrees with me - he thinks the best songs he ever wrote were when he was writing about his own personal feelings and emotions rather than story telling/
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Nice lyric in a narrative style. I think the challenge wanted raw emotion though?
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oooooh I like this one. Thank you John!
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Sorry guys, I've had a lot on my plate. I will post 36 later today
No problems John. We appreciate your effort and we all have lives happening so we understand. Perhaps we could have a thread going where people post ideas for each weekly challenge, to save you always having to think of one?
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I like oxygen as a topic. Or just "air". I have an opening line I've not been able to write a song for yet that would suit lol
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Its been over a month since 35. Hopefully 36 will come soon. Lets throw around a few ideas as to what we'd think would make a good/interesting challenge.
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Cheers Les. I much prefer the 1st chorus myself actually.
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Cheers Lisa, I actually found some great assistance in your post. I've kept the chorus as they are, and have added the repeat/fade of the hook lines....just to see how they look. I have also fixed that 3rd verse (it didn't sound right when I did a sing-thru so I thought it may end up getting fixed) and I like the new line better. Since it doesn't appear I can change the title line of the thread, I guess the original song title stays for now.
Thanks a lot-
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This one is close to the heart, and takes me back to the time of a relationship breakup that left me homeless, living in a car in the almost Antarctic winter of Tasmania in 2007 (with a brief stay in a rubber room). It is about despair. As for music, I am thinking minor chords, simple sad piano backing etc maybe even a sax solo
It snowed this morning,
never thought I’d say that.
The sun was always shining, looking back...
It never rained much at all,
Then one day came the fall.
Words have never failed me,
'til I found you’d gone away.
No goodbyes I guess you had nothing left to say...
We’d both said it all,Then one day came the fall.
CHORUS1
Words were thrown, true colours shown,
If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything...
Your cover’s blown but I’d always known,
That we’d see this day, so don’t say anything.Slow-motion space surrounds
me In this empty bedI’m as cold and empty as the words you never said...You know I hit the wall,Then one day came the fall.The moment that it hit me,
that I couldn’t make you stay.
I tried to look forward, live to love another day...I’d had then lost it all,
Then one day came the fall.CHORUS2Being alone cuts to the bone,I don’t know where to turn when I’ve lost everything...A dial tone, a silent phone,Nobody to talk to when I’ve lost everything.Words were thrown, true colours shown,
If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything...
Your cover’s blown but I’d always known,
That we’d see this day, so don’t say anything.You know I hit the wall,Then one day came the fall
(repeat/fade out) -
"For example, according to psychologists anger, disgust and hate are all nuances of the same base emotion... "....I like this, as it could help one to flesh out a song by relating the different stages of experiencing this one base emotion. One verse digust, progressing to anger, resulting in hate. (an example of course since we arent allowed to use anger)
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I like this. There are two main schools of thought when it comes to emotions. Robert Plutchik's theory, and Book Two of Aritotles Rehtoric...both are lists of 8 base emotions and some would not be classed by many as emotions. But it gives us plenty to work from
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ABC Song Challenge #1 - Evolution
in Writing Challenges
Posted · Edited by sgtsoul
Hi
nice. One thing that struck me is that I for some reason knew the twist was coming well before I rounded the bend (see what I did there 
) ,,,,maybe it was the use of gleaming that made me think of metal. Something to consider if you want that twist to jump at ya a bit more....
what music do you hear in your mind? The whole car vibe gives me 70s/80s classic rock... then (as hard as I try to avoid it!) Lady in Red comes to mind because of the obvious "woman in red I wanna take to bed" vibe. So I would love to hear what music you do have in mind.
Also, I wonder if you might like to evolve the choruses a little more, I've been toying with my own choruses lately,, variations of the first verse coming back as the third verse, with the last lnes first or maybe repeat a line. There's so many subtle ways to do it and I am enjoying it so I thought I would toss it up as an idea...
I think it is great so far
Looking forward to more