Force
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Posts posted by Force
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Quote
Enemies dissappear everclear
Right off the bat we have a pretty good punchline. Even if you decide to trash the rest of the rap, keep this one around and maybe tweak it to fit whatever flow you end up using. For example, if we were in a bit more laid-back flow, you could take that line and make it "You know the haters ghosting on me now: Everclear" or something similar. Just keep any punchline you think of in something like a notebook so that when you need one you can pull out the notebook and find one that rhymes.
QuoteI'm dispersing on all you trespassers
It get hot in them saunas a barrage of
Embalmings comming at you bastards like chest passes
Pass the pastor your last wordsThis bit is honestly trying too hard. You're trying to get an internal rhyme scheme going when you've been sticking to just sequential rhymes before here, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, the imagery is all over the place with this little bit. You've got saunas, some ancient Egypt, and Friday night confession/last rites. Honestly, you'd be better off not showing off your oblique rhymes (tresspassers/chest passes or saunas/embalmings) until there's actually a place they fit well. That way, instead of coming off like you did something just so people would go "ooh, nice rhymes there," you'll leave them going "Damn, he just went hard in on that."
For example, one of the most lyrically complex raps ever written is "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (not passing judgement on it, but there are fewer words that DON'T rhyme than words that DO in those verses) and it would be worthless if all that clever rhyming didn't tell the story of Rabbit's struggle for greatness.
QuoteWardrobe gorgeous I'm adorned With knowledge and wisdom
I pen hymns for the next generation
You hating then you placing chips to your end
And tipping the scalesTowards your defeat
ain't none of y'all f*cking with me
Honestly, this part is really in need of redoing, at least as far as the rhymes go. "Wardrobe gorgeous" is good, maybe even good enough to kick-start another verse, but you didn't follow through in a satisfying manner. You abandon the long O that you have going and go to short I and short O and never go back. For example, compare this line to yours: "Wardrobe gorgeous, adorned like the Four Horsemen." See, mine isn't any better than yours content-wise, but because I stuck with the O through the whole line, it sounds like it's continuous. Then after that, you've got little rhymes that just stretch it a bit too far, like "Generation" and "end" which aren't quite close enough to make it work. You do finish with a strong rhyme though, so you ended on a high note.
But that's just my opinion, man. Feel free to take it or leave it.
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you f*cked it (warning)
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One comment: Your rhymes are pretty good, so why are you only sticking with them for 2 bars apiece?