[Third Path]

I would like to see you: find a subject; research the subject; write an outline (focusing on the end); and stick to it. It might help to give your lyrics a sense of direction or purpose. I like to come up with titles that will then inform the lyrical journ. When I have found a title; I read and take notes on that particular subject. When beginning I say to myself: "All filler lines will be removed before or during punch up"

[Third Path]

It is very hard on the eyes.

[Wax For My Wounds]

Thank you, I made it with some gospel/soul record samples and a bunch of other loops of which I cant remember the source material.

[Wax For My Wounds]

Thank you.

Here is a link to the finished song if you are interested.

 

http://omenrama.tumblr.com/post/95063154028 or

 

https://soundcloud.com/omenrama/wax-for-my-wounds

[Wax For My Wounds]

Here are the verses I wrote for a song I am recording titled;

 

 "Wax For My Wounds"

 

 

Verse 1

 

Mad was I to forebear /

 

Gone / Now / As the wine /

 

Drink / Coalesce /

 

Thou sprangeth not whence thine person /

 

My father never cared /

 

Barrows / Let’s pack these travels shared /

 

Arrows / Pare a linen / Cicatrice /

 

Airs afoul / Here for now /

 

Gone the next /

 

Again I find myself here thinking /

 

Why you clean the mess /

 

To repeat myself again /

 

Chorus

 

4X

 

Hey baby / I'm running out of patience / 

 

Verse 2

 

I stay for that which might change /

 

Fear / Doubt /

 

Loss of time / Grief /

 

My self-perception /

 

Everyday is another sad memory /

 

So much so that I can’t think of anything /

 

Else that had com before you and I /

 

Made it official / A marriage of hell /

 

And the remedy /

 

For the sane of mind / And will to live /

 

My worried mother’s plea /

 

And all my father’s sin /

 

I’ve given all I can / You’ve taken long enough /

 

The sight of ribbon’s end / My patience wearing thin /

 

This hate I want not of /

 

For here we know the blood /

 

A wax for open wounds /

 

And the mourning of flesh thereof /

 

To let you know I’m done with waiting for you /

 

Chorus

 

4X

 

Hey baby / I'm running out of patience /

[Hey Everyone! 2Ndsun Here!]

Was this written without music?

[Immortality]

It's very difficult to grasp the rhythm. Maybe it's the way you have formatted the piece. Here is a few changes, let me know if it helps:) Other wise I dig your progression.The subject matter screams for some research so as to give it some layer and weight. Did you write this to a beat? If you did, the changes I have made might not sync perfectly.

 

All I want is to live forever

I ask god for immortality
Now all I hear is thunder

To show me his animosity

[Random Verse I Wrote]

"I litter words in lateral thirds like seven-sided dice"

 

I really like this line; It rolls of the tongue nicely.

 

A well thought out narrative within rap is rare because: 1. Most writers in this genre are freeform

2.Storytelling requires an attention span of more than 5 minutes   3. Research and preparation is virtually absent from the genre

[First Post In This Section]

Dope:) I would like to hear you completely flush out a specific concept or idea from beginning to end. I watched the (something from nothing docu) when it was released; I recently watched it and ,(I think it was Grandmaster Caz), that gave me a common sense idea that really helped with my consistency in concept and narrative. He began with the ending. he asked, "Where do you want your rhyme to end up?". Knowing where you want to go helps one to not stray so much when writing. When writing mostly freeform, it feels as though we are constricting ourselves when we try out disciplined writing.

[The Way I Lose Control.]

The first two lines have the word lyrically in them. It makes it sound lazy. Anyway, this feels like some good old offspring angst. Parents just don't understand:)

[Through The Garden]

Yeah, sorry about that

[Through The Garden]

This is a quick sketch up of an idea. It's really just me getting in some practice. Maybe someone can help me visualize the rhythm/delivery/pauses/stresses etc. I am going to try and do it but I really need help with this. I think recording just the verse and posting it here would help you to help me. The subject is (very loosely) about : convincing one of an idea through rhetoric.

 

Through The Garden

 

As I show you,

Through the garden.

You stay (short pause) blind to the roses.

Knew the baths and fount of marble

Naught the mirror-self in the potion.

Symposia through liana vines

Whispers onto the arbor

Bottles into the harbor

Marvel here at the martyr

Latticework thorns a colonnade

Shade as we motion forward

Down to the theater's stage.

East where the hedges raise

Near evening to be reborn

From a maze.

[Short Rap Verse]

"I think you have a good rhyme scheme, but I think the story needs more fluency. It seems a tad broken up in sub stories and thoughts"

 

I have such a hard time with this problem and have begun to remedy this by doing an outline before writing.

 

 

I think you have a good rhyme scheme, but I think the story needs more fluency. It seems a tad broken up in sub stories and thoughts, which is good if they pertain in someway to the story as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I think you did good, and I can see you have writing ability, I'm just noticing the lyric as a whole. It's a good first draft and I think if you keep it to one progressing story, it will be very good. Nice job and start.

[Burning Like A Fire]

You don't have to write to music, It doesn't have to be a "16", It's not about wordplay, it doesn't have to always rhyme - it's about being loose and getting your idea/emotion across in a way that your satisfied and comfortable with. Not a single person I ask (including myself) can define what a rap is or what it is in the form that makes it a rap.

 

"I loved him for forever…. Until that day came.

He couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to give me his name."

 

This sounded like some golden era rhyme:)

[Gotta Change]

doesn't freeman mean something like peasant.

[Frozen Cold]

This makes me feel like an asshole; my brothers been in prison for almost two years now and I haven't written him or gone to see him.

[Looking For Feedback On Contest Entry.]

Dope. Are you reading it when you record? If you are - you should burn it to memory so you are not reading when recording.

[I'm Losing My Mind]

Only thing I would suggest is have an idea of where you want it to end before you start writing; giving us the satisfaction of having read something whole - with a beginning, middle and end.

[A Cover Done To Airplanes]

Damn, I would be so embarrassed to put up the early things I wrote. Anyhow, you keep writing because this is a pretty good start. You can upload it to soundcloud and then put a link in so we can listen to it.

[Sorry]

It is sort of hard to read. Maybe you could try this.

 

There've been three women in my life

I really cared about

My mother and my sister and my daughter

who can’t stand me now

If she can hear me talking now

I’m sorry for my walking out

I’m sorry I went on walkabouts

that’s why I’m here to talk it out

 

Anyone think this makes it a little easier to understand? Anyhow I like the emotion of this one:)

[Omen Rama - "smythe Of Fires"]

Anything in particular you could tell me about the mix. I have listened to that beat so much I am deafened to it:)

[Rap Verse For Critique (With Rhyme Scheme)]

A little MF DOOM maybe?

[Change Of Tune]

Damn it I want to start an argument with you but I cannot help but kind of agree. Your first rhyme was pretty good (for what it is) and the fact that you don't even like rap is what made it interesting for me. I plead with you to take a look at some of my writing on here; It won't change your opinion but maybe I can show you that Rap as a form apart from music can be an effective and beautiful  tool for discourse and rhetoric as well as personal expression. I'll give you one thing - You accurately and efficiently expressed what it was you were feeling about a specific topic; Where I can only conceptualize in cold, disconnected abstractions.

[Short Rap Verse]

The repetition of a word would be called an "Identity Rhyme". Some writers (in Rap) do this very well, and some, well, not so much. I usually interpret a rhyme as such to be filler or lazy, not all the time, but most of the time.

[Aggression]

"Aggression" is the perfect title for this piece (not very interesting) but accurate nonetheless. Breaking it up into stanzas would make it a whole lot easier on the eyes.