[Challenge #41 - Growing Distant, The Gap Between]

I get so blinding confused, doesn't take much. I'll go seek it out....thank you

[Challenge #41 - Growing Distant, The Gap Between]

I snuck it in with only seconds remaining on the clock lol

[Challenge #41 - Growing Distant, The Gap Between]

James,

Thanks for the feedback.  Ah yes, you spotted a flaw in my thinking, they do have each other - I need to tighten that up a bit, I was thinking no one to make her feel safe but I was three steps down the line and the pen was trailing behind...

 

I love the play on words, I'll pop that in.

 

I adore Sade's voice, so much depth and emotion - thanks for the link, it was a very powerful song

 

Thank you, as always.

 

David

[Challenge #41 Saving Fish From Drowning]

the old ones are still the best lol

[Challenge #41 Saving Fish From Drowning]

I think there would be something fishy about using the POV from the character that has the most to lose.  Its a good point though as I just did the opposite and maybe thats why it was so so.

Anyway, I really enjoyed your song.

[Challenge #41 - Growing Distant, The Gap Between]

Ive had a stab at this weeks challenge but run out of time, so mine is AAB and may not actually be that.

I'll try and grab some time later to write another verse

 

Give it all by David Hall

 

V1

And here they come again

Brown eyes with a sad face

Little child with no place

to lay her head tonight.

Flies all around her lips

Baby hugging her hips.

With no-one to hold them tonight.

 

V2

Tiny feet without any shoes

Empty bowls, nothing to choose

Little girl with no place

to dry her tears tonight

No food for days on end

All she needs is a friend

to let her eat tonight

 

Chorus

I'm ashamed to say

We have turned away

from their dying plea

it's not destiny

When did we become

immune to it all?

Forget to call?

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give it all?

Why can't we give at all?

[Challenge #41 Saving Fish From Drowning]

Hey James.

I like this as a folk song, kinda reminded me a little of something Dylan would have done.  A sad tale of a man blind to the damage he causes when ignorant/unaware of his own actions.  As I was listening it reminded me of folks that jet all around the world on vacation and then talk about saving the environment... a weak link but its what it reminded me of.

 

I would say I didn't find the song emotionally wrenching but it was a good starter.  As always, Im amazed how you turn this music out so quickly.

 

All the best,

 

David

[Challenge #40 Wing Of Bat, Eye Of A Newt]

Hi halld1971

 

I took this song as a girl/boy theme not a car as James suggests, if he is right then completely ignore my meagre effort of a critique lol! and it is meagre!!!!! Sorry I am useless at this sort of thing.

 

Overall you have used all the elements of the challenge. I think the 1st verse is the best and with a little tweaking the rest will fall into place.

 

As usual these are just my opinions on how i read the lyric and should be taken with a pinch of salt, they are not meant to be harsh and I hope they help in some way.

 

All the best

 

Les

 

 

The lights,

are on red

Heart brakes,  Clever use of 2 possibilities heart/car breaks/brakes

up ahead

You've got,

someone new

I was,

the one for you

Your words,

jam my brain   I like this because it sounds real like a brain freeze at the shock?

My love's,

been in vain

Is this how love feels              

when you're head over heels?  This line suggests you are happy in love rather than losing in love, possibly add a word to the previous line to reflect that? Is this how bad/broken/lost love feels?

Just my take on how it reads to me.

 

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

his wind will blow  I am not sure I get this line but then I don’t know any Dylan songs so it might relate to luck or similar!

You wish,

this didn't hurt     This line comes across as her being hurt but if she has found someone else would it really bother her that much? I could be getting this line wrong so ignore this if I am.

My tears,

soak your skirt  This lines bothers me but I can't explain why! maybe wimpish??

Rolex watch,

marks our time

Stolen love,  I like the next 2 lines goes well with the theme if someone stole her away from you.

an act of crime

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

No way,

through the night

London Bridge,

doesn't feel right

You're asleep,

in his bed

I'm dying,

inside my head

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

that wind will blow

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Thanks boss, I really appreciate the time spent on this critique.  Sorry I haven't been in touch before now, had a bit of a family issue to deal with and I couldn't dedicate the time to the site.

Your critique is certainly not meagre, it was fab, and yes, you were very accurate about the boy/girl thing.  The Dylan's wind thing was my meagre attempt at Dylan's blowing in the wind...the answers blowing in the wind - even I now think this was like something out of the Times cryptic crossword.

Yeah, maybe I made this fella out to be too wimpish, hanging on to her feet and begging her to stay.  I felt like her emotion was she had met someone else but she still had feelings for this guy, a bit of a "its not you, its me" kind of thing.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say sorry I hadn't responded, ut Im back in the saddle now.

 

Thanks,

 

David

[Challenge #40 Wing Of Bat, Eye Of A Newt]

Louie,

I am not much cop at explaining things if you know what I mean.

I hope some of this is helpful and is in no way meant to be harsh, just as I read it.

 

Overall Louie I thought it was quite clever and funny a very good effort for a hard challenge.

Your rhyme schemes vary from verse to verse but what the hey! If it works then that’s all that matters

I think it could do with a little refining  but not that much so as to lose it's quirkiness.

 

 

All the best

 

Les

 

PS this was a tricky one to critique, so quirky! lol!

 

WING OF A BAT, NEWT IN TOWN

 

 

Vs 1

E                       F#         E 

I saw this dude at half past noon

                   d#c#f 

Was hairy and scraggly, greasy and maroon

                        aeb

An awkward crazed loony tune

 

vs 2

Its attire it wore                                            

Was from a shanty town

Six, six, six tattooed all around    This line suggests the clothes are tattooed? Could be my take on it?

 

(pre chorus)

Who are you?! I asked in my gown

It raised its arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of a bat

Flap flap flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap               surprise line and made me smile!

 

This verse (3) has 4 lines, the rest 3, I think line 2 does not need to be there, to me it breaks up the flow. You make an offer, it asks something else, then it declines your offer!

The last line is way longer than the other verse endings and I think it could be shortened and sweetened a little.

Released something awful from it's ass / like putrid gas! Just a thought.

 

 vs 3

I offered him some deodorant

No Thanks it said, I think I'll pass

Then he let off a putrid gas - suggestion

 

vs 4

Then it took a sip of a cape cod

Guzzled it down like it wasn't hard

Threw it away then began to nod

 

(pre chorus)

After the odor had settle down, I blurted out "are â€You Bozo the Clown!"  this line seems like is a question but comes across like you are calling him that? I added “are†in the line. might be my confusion!

Again this line is quite long, it makes it hard to keep a rhythm going with the previous pre C’S

 

Then it raised it's arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of bat

Flap, flap, flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

I don’t get the reason for the next chorus? I ask “just for what†is it because he called him/asked him if he is Bozo the clown? If so maybe it comes to late after the Bozo line? As I read it, it did not connect with the chorus before it!

 

(chorus)

Again it raised it's arms 

Then flung em down      

And said just for that

It took a crap

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap

 

 

I think this chorus needs a little tweaking, feels a little wordy compared to the others!

 

chorus)

Then I raised my arms too, in a fling

Then ran so fast

Zing, zing, zing

Raising my arms flinging em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

Just an example of what I mean.

 

Raised my arms up in a fling

Ran so fast Zing, Zing, Zing

Arms a flapping up n down

Etc…………

 

 (bridge)

E-COLI!!! Now I  got to take A CRAP!

 

(outro)

Raising my arms fling'n em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

Thought this song was great and a fab critique too.  Dont know where you got this idea but it truly is great and funny.  I agree with James, reading lyrics that are unpredictable is very exciting.  Good job guv

[Challenge #40 Bad Luck Blues]

sorry guv', I will give some critique tomorrow, Ive just been on and off the site today in between other stuff.  I still think the title was just a bit of fun in relation to the task of putting loads of words into the pot.  Anyway, maybe John can guide us in his innermost thoughts...

[Challenge #40 Bad Luck Blues]

No, I don't think you missed anything Holz.  I was confused initially but now I think people just used the title for influence... i think....

[Challenge #40 Bad Luck Blues]

I was thinking the title for this (newt and bat) was just a reference to the fact that so many elements (words) had to be put in the pot (song), like a witch/wizard potion, not that we had to use the song title as influence.  Did I miss that completely?

[Challenge #40 Wing Of Bat, Eye Of A Newt]

The lights,

are on red

Heart brakes,

up ahead

You've got,

someone new

I was,

the one for you

Your words,

jam my brain

My love's,

been in vain

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

his wind will blow

You wish,

this didn't hurt

My tears,

soak your skirt

Rolex watch,

marks our time

Stolen love,

an act of crime

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

No way,

through the night

London Bridge,

doesn't feel right

You're asleep,

in his bed

I'm dying,

inside my head

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

that wind will blow

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Tried to incorporate challenge 39 and 40 together, and came up with 39.5

[Challenge #39 - The Art Of The Common Phrase]

James,

Thanks for the feedback.  I will revise the song structure to try and fit AAA.  I read the article too but have to admit I thought the chorus was treated separately (dunno why I thought that).

I tried to write about love and this is what came out, the question posed by a woman who is beaten by her partner - the initial high and then the feelings about the abuse.  It just came out that way.  I'll try and tweak it some to get in the right structure and then work on the content.

As always, thank you for the feedback

[Challenge #39 - The Art Of The Common Phrase]

Head over heels

 

When you kiss me like that

it really gets me high

My head's in the clouds

in the dream shaped sky

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

The way you touch me

drops me to my knees

I'm begging for mercy

I'll do anything you please

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Chorus

The ship has sailed and gone to sea

No safe harbour for you and me

You take me places I never knew

I see life from a different view

I'm head over heels for you

I'm head over heels for you

 

The way you hold me

and squeeze me tight

I can see stars

in the morning light

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

When you look at me

you'll see no fear

because every cloud

sheds a silver tear

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

[Challenge #39 - The Art Of The Common Phrase]

James,

That was great, I loved it. I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes. I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!! This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly. Great job mate!!!

 

[Challenge #39 What Were You Thinking?]

James, 

That was great, I loved it.  I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes.  I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!!  This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly.  Great job mate!!!

[Challenge #39 - The Art Of The Common Phrase]

sorry guys, I missed the replies on this topic - I thought my email was set to automatically notify me of forum posts but that must have just been the old challenge - duh.  I will listen now and try and provide a critique shortly.  I have been faffing about with something, will post it later in whatever state it exists...

[Challenge #38 - A Celebration Of Summer]

James,

 

I wanted to say thank you.  i did post a reply before but not sure which board I'veposted to (doesnt take much to confuse me).  I absolutely love what you have done with the song and improvements to the lyrics.  Seems happy and playful to me, something I wasnt really feeling at the time of writing, so I'm glad you were lol.

Thank you so much.  This is the first time I've heard my lyrics to music, so I'm having a proud father moment...

 

 

Thanks again,

 

David

[Challenge #38 - A Celebration Of Summer]

Hey James,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read the lyrics.  I did find it difficult to write upbeat lyrics about the summer, must be a result of living in NE UK lol.  It is very kind of you to try and put the lyrics to music and I would be absolutely delighted to hear it.  The latin beat was really just something I imagined that could be suitable for a summer song, other than that, I didn't really think about it further.

 

The boys feel pretty line was a bit of a throwback to Dylan, where he says the railroadman smoked his eyelids and punched his cigarettes, you know, just word playing around opposites.  I guess summer can have a big effect on folks and just wanted to show it through those lines.

 

Please feel free to play around with the lyrics to fit any music.  I am just really happy there are people like you that are really community focused/friendly.

 

Thanks again.  I will look at the lyrics again to see if I can improve things per your advice.

 

All the best,

 

David

[Challenge #38 - A Celebration Of Summer]

I admit I have not - I was too traumatised by the experience to do anything more. 

[Challenge #38 - A Celebration Of Summer]

Hi kids,

 

Hope I'm in time.  I faffed around on this, something else was in my head but this came out.  Not sure I met any of the rules but wanted to put it out there to prove to myself I can meet a deadline (kinda, sorta).  I cant play an instrument but in my head, this had a bit of a latin beat  thingy going on...

 

Here it is:

 

Summers in the air

 

It must be the summer

I'm frying in the street

Going down to the beach

where the sand burns my feet

 

It must be the summer

with strangers at your feet

dancing so close

you can feel their heat

 

And the boys just stare

at the girls nearly bare

Summers in the air

 

 

Chorus

Summers in the air tonight

I can feel it everywhere

from the ocean bars

to the midnight stars

Summers in the air tonight

I can feel it everywhere

from the salsa beat

to the sand between my feet

 

It must be the summer

when the nights are long

the boys feel pretty

and the girls feel strong

 

It must be summer

when the mood turns red

and the heat of the night

climbs inside your head

[Challenge #38 - A Celebration Of Summer]

working on something but think I am out of time - is the deadline today?

[Burning Like A Fire]

hey, well i was running  alil short on time but i loved it and i loved that verse!  I'll try and get a better critique later today but need to get the kettle on lol

[Burning Like A Fire]

 

Verse 2: 

 

I loved him for forever…. Until that day came.

He couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to give me his name.

He was so caught up in him, so caught up in his Fame, that it didn’t matter If I went or if I ever came.

 

I love this verse!!! It flows great for me.