[Lyrics Writing Challenge Wk1 2016]

This is a song where a mother is speaking to her child and advising her about life.
 

Don’t Take Too Long

Lyric by: Raymond Fry & Steve Manning

 

Verse 1:

As you step into the future I may never see,

Let yourself become the person you could really be.

I know the days move slowly as you wish away your youth,

Beware of those who claim that they alone have found the truth.

 

Chorus 1:

Don’t take too long to realize that you're strong,

Don’t let people fool ya, when they tell ya you're wrong.

Don’t take too long to see we’re not inside the Matrix, love is real,

Don’t take too long to find that scars can heal.

 

Verse 2:

If you find that there are roads which you must walk alone,

Try to find a self that you can truly call your own.

If after failed relationships you can't bare them any-more,

Don’t take too long to realize that love’s worth waiting for.

 

Chorus 2:

Don’t take too long to realize that you're strong,

Don’t let people fool ya, when they tell ya you're wrong.

Don’t take too long to see we’re not inside the Matrix, love is real,

Don’t take too long to find that scars can heal.

 

Bridge:

I can see your natural spirit clearly shining through,

And I’m so proud that I can spend this precious time with you.

Believe there’s not a single problem you cannot surmount,

And while this life caresses you, make every moment count.

 

Verse 3:

Wish I had more to say, wish I had more to give:

A mothers inspiration for every day you live.

And I hope that when the course is finally run,

You’ll look back and say “Those days were good, and I was loved”.

 

Chorus 3:

Don’t take too long to realize that you're strong,

Don’t let people fool ya, when they tell ya you're wrong.

Don’t take too long to see we’re not inside the Matrix, love is real,

Don’t take too long to find that scars can heal.

 

Outro:

Don’t take too long

to realize you're strong,

Don’t take too long

 

 

© Copyright worldwide all rights reserved

 

[Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up]

1 hour ago, Timbre said:

And just to add another layer of confusion, Les didn't post the lyrics, I did! I think the glitch is that Les's critique is the first critique on the 2nd page of critiques for this challenge. Easy to miss that there's a first page to this thread with more discussion of these lyrics and others. I'd say it's a sign of a healthy critique forum when there's enough traffic to get lost in  !!

 

I think I should just shoot myself lol before it gets any worse. 

[Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up]

On 2016-6-25 at 7:25 PM, EsquireDog said:

How about a version that takes a look at the far end of young, shiny, happy first hook-ups - - the more desperate, lonely vision of older folks still looking for...something.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.
Between "Come hither" 
And "Go to hell"
So hard to choose
So hard to tell.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He bought her wine
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
That self-same morn
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.

Deja blues is a great title for this storyline because of the association with Deja Vu suggesting that it is a recurring trait with both participants in their daily lives. I really like your idea and believe it to have much potential, but I think that you might consider toning down the reference to dogs and making a few small tweaks to strengthen the lyric which storyline already contains some strong lyrics already. Here are some suggestions.......... I did my best to restrain myself from suggesting further changes, Sorry but I couldn't help myself.

 

The Deja Blues
Garry

 

She sat at the bar
In her usual haze
Checking out men
Most of 'em strays.
Between "Hi cowboy" 
And "Go to hell"
She downs cheap booze
Consoles herself

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

He bought her beer
He sought her time
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.

 

[instr'l interlude]

 

He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
With Deja blues
A nod, then he was gone.

 

It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.

 

A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In her usual haze
Checking out men
Most of 'em strays.

[Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up]

11 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Ray, I think the repeated line of your chorus, "Again and Again and Again" would be an option for a title.  Granted, it doesn't seem to give any clues as to the song theme, but I'm sure there are plenty of hooks that don't.

 

I think that "I'm tasting life for the first time" gives a nice imagery.  That line instantly puts me in the emotion of someone "waking up to life" after just sort of meandering through it.

This and your second verse led me to think what woke this person up was finding/being with a person who contributed to that waking up.  I wasn't really following that it was a first-time sexual experience until I hit the bridge and even then to me it wasn't obvious as I was still in the mindset of waking up to "life".  It took your explanation below it to make it clear and that sort of took away from the exhilaration of "feeling alive" to me, mainly because it changed my mental course from it being an inner experience to being a physical one.  I took the meaning of the bridge to say that you had a weakness for this very special person and that person could affect you in a way others aren't.  Personally, I was liking the theme that was flowing through my mind, perhaps my gender plays into that.  I don't think it would take a whole lot of tweaks to change it to that theme, but I think there is so much more that could liven up a theme such as tasting life for the first time.  For example: New experiences like 1st ride on the back of a motorcycle (for ladies), a kiss, playing a contact sport in the rain, waking up to the early morning sunrise, especially on the water (Hey--just got a kayak, so hopefully will be an exhilarating new life experience for me--yay--can't wait!), but that's the idea.  Words you've used that really play into that are:  taste, savor,take this leap,  breathing, can't catch my breath.  I also think the theme would be far more marketable.

Hey Pahchisme Plaid I'm laughing because I was a year late answering this lyric post which Skin (Les) wrote. I must have been confused lol but I seem to have also confused you because you have addressed your feedback to me instead of LES. 

[Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up]

8 hours ago, Timbre said:

Hi, Ray.

 

I didn't recognize this post at first because this lyric has undergone so many revisions off-site since I first posted it last summer! Thanks for weighing in. After some tweaks to the chorus the hook/title was changed to "Breathing You In" and the bridge was deleted altogether. Can't access the full revision right now but it fit your critique in many respects. Appreciate the read.

 

~T 

Hi Timbre, I realise now that I am a year too late on this Challenge lol. I thought it to be a recent challenge because I only noticed the June date and didn't notice the 2016 date. I'd love to see your completed lyric to know what you did with it in the end.

[Love Song Challenge - The Hook Up]

On 2016-6-18 at 4:43 AM, Timbre said:

This was tough. I kept going back and forth between an up-tempo feel and a slower (in my head anyway) story song and ended up with 2 different sets of lyrics. I won't post both so as not to monopolize the space. I'll post the up-tempo for now and perhaps post the other near the end of the challenge if there is not much traffic or else just post to the lyric critique board at some point. 

 

My initial self-critique is that the chorus may split the hook between the "Bigger than" line and the repetition of "Again and again and again" but that repetitive piece just stayed with me so I went with it. Neither felt like a title so I went with a more obscure title taken from the end of 3rd verse which is suggestive of "falling in love". This emotive thing is hard! Critique away!

 

All the Way Down

 

 

Verse 1

 

I’m tasting life 

 

For the first time

 

I savor your touch 

 

Knowing you’re mine 

 

 

 

Verse 2

 

No rented hearts 

 

No one night stands 

 

Never alone now 

 

I'm holding your hand

 

 

Chorus

 

My love is . . . 

 

Bigger than fear 

 

Stronger than pain 

 

Like waves crashing over

 

Again and again and again 

 

 

 

Can’t catch my breath

 

No need for air

 

Just breathing you over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Verse 3

 

Come take this leap

 

For the last time

 

And feel me holding you

 

All the way down

 

 

 

Chorus

 

My love is . . .

 

Bigger than fear

 

Stronger than pain

 

Like waves crashing over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Can’t catch my breath

 

No need for air

 

Just breathing you over

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Bridge

 

You break me in

 

Make me bend

 

Again and again and again

 

 

 

Repeat Chorus

 

The song title doesn't suit this song.

 

The opening lines don't quite ring true with "I'm tasting life for the first time", "I'm tasting love for the first time" would make more sense.

 

I like the first half of the chorus but feel that the second half would benefit from a little more work.

 

I think that the weakest section is the bridge because it leans more towards a female vocal and has sexual connotations. I think that it needs a different approach.

 

Bridge

 

You break me in (as in virginity broken)

 

Make me bend (sexual position)

 

Again and again and again (Ok for the middle line if that is what you wish to say, but an impossibility if associated with the first line.

[Getting To Know You]

1. Do you sing, play an instrument or instruments?

I used to be a solo artist and have also sang with bands but now help younger artists. I don't play any instruments but I work with many others who do.

 

When did you start singing?

About the age of 15.

 

Did you teach yourself?

Yes

 

2. Are you in a band or bands?

No, but I have managed artists and bands in the past and now work with a collective of composers, musicians, and artists.

 

Does your collective have a name?

We are headed under the name "Midas King Productions".

 

What do they play?

All instruments

 

Do you have a collective website?

Yes

 

3. Do you write songs?

Yes

 

Do you write lyrics, music or both?

Lyrics and melodies (Music arrangements by my co-writers)

 

Do you have a writing partner?

Yes, Many

 

4. Do you record your music?

Yes 

 

Do you use a home studio? If so what gear do you use?

Yes, I record in my studio and also utilise the studio's of my co-writers who have their own studio's in the US, UK, Sweden, Russia, Italy.

 

Computer:

Mac 2.6Ghz Quad core i7, 16 GB Ram, 1Tb Fusion drive. OSX

 

Monitor screens:

32" iiana

42" Sony 

 

Software:

Pro Tools 11

Logic pro X

Wave plugins

Softube plugins

Focusrite Red (plugin bundle)

 

Main Monitors:

Neumann KH 120 active

Secondary Monitors:

Harbeth

Subwoofer:

Adams 7

 

Microphones

AKG C414B ULS

SE Z5600 Tube

AKG Solid Tube

SE Titan

SE4 with 3 capsules

Octavia MK 219

ADK A51 Type V

3 Sure SM 58s

 

Outboard Effects

Lexicon PCM 91 Digital reverb

Ivory-series 5013 Dual Valve Eq

TL Audio Ivory-series PA 5001 Quad Valve Mic Pre amp

SPL Stereo Vitalizer

Alesis Quadraverb GT Guitar Effects Processor

 

Sound Modules

ASM Novation Supernova (Retro sounds)

Access Virus A Analog synth

 

Monitor Controller

PreSonus Monitor Station V2

 

PatchBays

Kelsey Acoustics 2X 24/24 Patch Bays

Kelsey Acoustics 1X 16 5 pin Midi Patch Bay

 

Do you use a recording studio?

All my co-writers have recording studio's of their own.

 

Do you have music available on the web? if so where?

Apple music, Spotify, and many other distributors.

 

5. What other roles do you perform in the music business?

Talent scout, production coordinator, Label liaison.

 

6. Are you a tech head?

Definitely NOT

 

7. What country do you live in?

London, UK

 

8. What are your ambitions?

I'm too old to have ambitions but I like to help talented people on their journey.

 

9. Do you draw/paint/write stories/computer art/dance or other creative pursuit?

I design recording studio's

 

What are your pastimes?

I love to watch good movies, relax with my wife, spend time with my grandchildren, attending singer songwriter venues seeking talent, Good food, astronomy, watching history, science and nature programs on TV. Meeting new people, socialising.

 

10. What would you like to get out of Songstuff?

I like to meet new people and help where I possibly can. I am a very busy person but I will drop in as often as my schedule allows.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

Personally, I enjoy the creativity in making music, which is paramount if one is to endure in one of the toughest businesses imaginable.

If someone's goal is solely for fame and money, then it will certainly be an empty achievement and a horrendous battle to stay on top within a very fickle industry..

[Stand By Me]

Stand By Me

This would have been an interesting project to put together

A breath of fresh air and a joy to see young and old players and singers brought together in an unusual and creative way.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

Sorry if the above post is a little bit of a rant. I do try to detest all human beings equally, but I can't help reserving a special place for the music industry aristocracy.

It takes all kinds to make up this world. The majority of this so called elite group, hate people like you because they are reminded that they are completely void of integrity.

The individuals that you refer to, although not all, only see the £ or $ signs and are not interested in the music. The way that I see it is, that it's their loss, and the real winners are those of us who enjoy the creative process of making music. They are welcome to remain in their ivory towers because it is a very lonely place to be.

Their loss, their loss, their loss, and not mine.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

I think it's also worthwhile to notice that Charles M. Schulz produced a total of 17,897 strips: 15,391 daily strips, and 2,506 Sundays. He drew every single one of them by hand, while simultaneously managing a world-wide licensing business. He took only one five-week "vacation" during his entire life.

There are plenty of musical performers out there who voluntarily keep very grueling schedules. The trumpeter Chris Botti, for example, has been keeping up a touring schedule for years in which he performs somewhere almost every night of the year.

I'm not saying that you have to dig a grave for yourself in order to "make it," but maybe I'm saying that it helps. Luck favors the well-prepared. Even "famous name" songwriters and performers constantly keep doing it as long as their health holds up, because the competition is fierce and, well, as Charlie Daniels put it, "they'll forget about ya, soon."

It definitely is a volume game. The more stuff you have out there on-sale, the more revenue you'll bring in even if none of them are burning the top out of the Billboard chart.

No matter what it is that you are selling, or to whom: "He who has a thing to sell / and talks about it in a well / is much less apt to get the dollars / than he who stands on roof and hollers."

Then there's the lesson that Tom Watson, Sr., the founder of IBM, gave to his salesman: "Two salesmen were sent to Pango-Pango to sell shoes. One wired back: 'Coming home next boat. No one here wears shoes.' But the other one wired: 'Marvelous opportunity. Send all you have. No one here wears shoes!'" Success, in other words, is what you make it. Laugh at "outrageous" acts like Lady Gaga if you want to, but that lady, like Madonna before her, knows exactly where she's going and exactly how to get there. She knows exactly what product she needs to sell, where to get it, how to package it, who her audience is, and how to sell it. She will go far.

The days are long gone when Nashville and L.A. and "Tin Pan Alley" were the king-makers of music, because the barriers to entry have all been demolished. Literally anyone can not only produce a good song (or a bad one!), but they can produce it and send it to the world. So you are not only competing with good stuff ... you're competing with bad stuff, as well! But on the other hand, there are no real limits as to where you might find ways and places to sell your music. The "cost of goods sold" is ... zero.

And, even if you don't "sell" a single note, there is the pure joy of doing it and of being recognized and appreciated by your own peers for doing so. You never know where such things might lead. Even if they lead "nowhere," music is still a self-rewarding journey that is well worth taking. Music will change your life.

I couldn't agree with you more Mike,

In my experience over the years (and I am 61), there are those that make opportunities, and there are those who wait for them to knock on their door.

Also, your point concerning the enjoyment factor is very valid, otherwise why do it?

The only thing that I would question is that the lines of good and bad music are not as clear as one might think. Often it is a matter of taste, and what one person labels as bad, another may well think it is great. There have been plenty of songs that I personally have found to be nothing less than a joke, that have climbed the UK charts, so obviously a fair amount of people must have liked them enough to purchase them.

Lastly, I would just like to show my appreciation for experienced people like yourself, who freely give their time and abundance of experience to others including myself. I have just recently returned to lyric writing after a fifteen year absence, and even though it was initially difficult for me to hear your feedback on some lyrics that I had written, It turned out that you were absolutely spot on. I suppose that it was hard for me to accept that I was very rusty, but your constructive criticism has encouraged me to re-evaluate what I write. Thank you. Kind regards, Ray

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

Lol, I feel the same way, Wordflower. What an humble request. I am very old school. Hang around here - these guys nursed me back from a 12 year exile. John Moxey, site owner, is the one to go to, to get up to speed on this industry - especially for us who’ve been away and for the oldschooled. Read him. Read anything he has authored.

Thanks very much for the advice Donna, this site and it's members are just what the doctor ordered.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

It’s also called oldschool

Yes Donna, but it feels like I am 5 years old and have just started school. Please can you teach me Mam?

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

It's amazing just how few music biz people are either not straight talking, or not even talking at all, drawing a line between themselves and the writhing mass of unsigned musicians and music amateurs and semi pros. It goes against my nature so....[quote)

It's nice to be able to get peoples views on these kind of topics.

Until recently, I have been out of the whole music scene for 15 years, so I am unfamiliar with the way the industry has or hasn't changed, apart from digital programs, home studio's, and internet sales that have enabled musicians and artists to rely less on the record companies. I also remember how jittery and insecure the industry was at the time, and because I had a commercial studio myself, I noticed how severely the studio bookings were effected.

Back then, I had a lot of contact with A&R who used to speak quite freely about what was going on. From what I gathered back then, they were given specific instructions of what type of bands and artist to look out for, which kind of narrowed down the field a bit. I felt back then that because of those specific instructions, a lot of talent was being overlooked. The A&R guys were so intent on keeping their jobs that I doubt if they ever spoke up or tried to change the situation.

I must admit that I do feel out of touch with what has happened in the time I have been out, and I suppose that I could be called a bit of a dinosaur.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

You'd be swimming against a current so strong that if it's ever tried a lot of musicians will drown trying... I suppose with the industry in a creative meltdown as it is at the moment and turning it's attention to bland cheaply produced reality television, someone will come along who will fill the void sooner or later.

Well, I thank God for the internet, and those who created it of course.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

I guess we would all rather sit is a boat that's full of gaping holes than risk swimming to a better boat.

S**t, I am totally F****d, I can't swim.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

In my experience there are very few people in the world who wake up in the morning wondering what evil they can do today. Most people do what they feel they are entitled to do.

The sad thing is that they forget to send the lift back down to the people who come after them. They often forget that they are privileged to be where they are and that they gained the rights and the skills they enjoy through the help of other people who were on the upper floors before them.

I include myself in this. There was a time when I had a lot of people saying "yes" to me a lot. As such, I constantly remind myself that I am the same as everyone else who's switched on a PC tonight, no better, no worse.

I do take your point though... "Former ass-kisser who has just absolutely had enough and turned lone wolf who plays by his own rules and sees the status quo with total and utter contempt seeks gainful employment" just does not open many doors in the higher echelons of the degenerate and contemptible performing arts industry that we have the despondency inducing misfortune to be working under the domain of.

I am also aware, painfully aware, that every time I point at any problems with the status quo of the recording industry, I cause deep offense to people I don't even know. That is not my intention. There is no worse enemy of freedom than a happy slave, and one of the few things I have to my credit is that I am one very pissed off slave.

Yes, we are all slaves to something or other. Even the president of the good old USA.

I think that in today's society, and in most parts of the world, many individuals have been sucked into the idea that unless they are "somebody" then they become a no-body. Sad really.

I take your point about the music business being fickle, but then again, so is the film industry, television, sales, politics etc, etc. When people are down on their luck or aren't performing consistently, they tend to be dumped pretty quickly.

At the end of the day, it comes down to the individual and how honest, compassionate, and honourable they choose to be. Most times, the pressure of business wins, and the outcome is more often than not, at the expense of someone who is nameless to them.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

I hope I'll be excused for a transient but hopefully understandable and meaningful descent into cynicism here. I love the technical side of music, I could work that side of it all night and I could work it all day. To be fair, given some of the things I have done to make a living, I don't think my stamina is in doubt. I certainly have a driven type A personality too and I've been working in music in some capacity or other pretty consistently for twenty years now.

One thing I've never been able to pluck up the perseverance to do though, and one thing I have accepted that will forever be beyond my capabilities, is kissing the arse of people whom I really don't like. I must confess that I simply don't and never will have the stamina to mask my contempt for recording industry executives for any length of time.

They all pretend that their the one person who is hip, who's cool, who listens to demos, who sends the lift back down for the person coming up behind them. I actually think they genuinely believe it when they think and say that's what they are. Sadly, they are almost to a one living in a Walter Mitty la-la land.

I will agree that you are correct in stating that many record company executives are not very nice people. The majority are very selfish, cut throat, pompous and to put it mildly, "Ass holes".

However, I cannot say that I can put them all into that particular category. There are a couple of decent RCBs that I have found to be honerable people.

When I mentioned stamina, and perhaps I didn't make it clear enough for you to understand, I meant artists that have the ability to take a million no's without getting phased or depressed over it. They have this ability to badger people into submission. It doesn't mean that they ass lick as you put it.

["why Am I Not Famous Yet?"]

I believe that the individuals or groups who tend to do well in the music industry, are the one's that possess an abundance of drive, perseverance, and stamina. These qualities from what I have witnessed over the years, often succeed over talent. Some twenty odd years ago, I witnessed one particular unknown American girl who came to the UK because she thought it would be easier to break into a smaller market. I happened to be in the office of a certain record company boss at the time. She was introduced by a channel 4 woman producer who had indicated that the girl was talented. After 3 tracks were listened to, the girl was told that she would be contacted. After the producer and the girl left the office, the RC boss turned to me and said "she'll never make it", not in a million years. That girl finished up being a mega star not just in America, but worldwide

That girl had an abundance of drive, perseverance, and stamina. Regardless of how talented she was, she wouldn't have made it without those qualities. I have watched many talented individuals give up on themselves, because they lack those essential qualities.

[How Do You Identify Song Genre?]

I don't have any definite answers to this question, although people do seem to have a need to fit things into a box or genre as the case may be. My own belief is that within the creative process, if I try to fit something into a specific category, it can restrict that creative process. If I look back to as early as the 50s, which I am old enough to do, there were few genres. Today, I can't count them all. I recently wrote some lyrics believing that they were soft rock, and when the track came back from the composer, it surprised me enormously that the tempo was half what I expected, and I found myself listening to a jazzy ballad. Just goes to show you, what do I know????