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Dee

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Posts posted by Dee

    I Need Help Turning My Emotions Into A Song Hook?

    in Songwriting

    Posted

    I'd be tempted to keep it simple. Get a pen and paper a list every thought and emotion that comes into your mind. Already, by reading your post, I have come up with:

    confused

    torn

    please/pleasing

    swirling and distorted = a kaleidoscope

    contrasting

    conflicting

    indecisions

    bravery

    crossroads

    Keep at it and I am sure there will be an obvious hook that jumps out.

    Regards

    Dee

    Song Writing Challenge/competition #3

    in Songwriting

    Posted · Edited by Dee

    Hello, I'm back and relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated (spelling? I'm terrible at it.)

    It seems a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. Shocking to know about the riots!

    Anyway JD, I know you've a lot on your plate at the moment so this is for when you're ready to look at it.

    I've progessed my story by adding a 2nd verse. I've kept the first verse the same only making one amendment - swapping FOREVER to ALWAYS so it should fit better.

    I agree, the chorus is the biggie and I wanted to make it as powerful as possible as well as keeping it simple. I've changed the title to The Promises we Make.

    The chorus ends with the word PROMISES but it could be changed to THE PROMISES WE MAKE. Also JD, you end a line with OTHER while I end it with MAKE which, obviously is a syllable short, which obviously could be a problem. But if you like the story, then this is something we can work around.

    The Promises we Make © Denielle West - August 2011

    V1

    Something tells me

    Somethings so wrong

    The smile that lights your eyes

    Is now dead and gone

    Someone took you

    To have and always hold

    The honeymoons over

    His love has turned cold

    Pre-chorus

    He criticizes all that you do

    (Yet) you got somebody here who loves you

    Chorus

    I dont wanna see

    Another tear streak

    Sometimes we have to break

    The promises we make

    We can justify

    We can reason why

    Why we have to break

    Promises

    (or)

    Why we have to break

    The promises we make.

    V2

    Sometimes I curse

    Timing in life

    If I had met you first

    You would be my wife

    Fate has served us

    This chance to be as one

    I know I ask a lot

    And your heart is torn

    Pre-chorus

    Id turn my back on my love for you

    If I knew he worshiped you too

    Chorus

    MP and Danka - Your songs are progressing well. Great work!

    Song Writing Challenge/competition #3

    in Songwriting

    Posted

    Danka

    Your song is really coming along. I like the story you're telling.

    JD

    I have to agree with Danka that it is quite challenging to listen to someone singing one set of words while reading another so my entry may be a syllable or two out! You mentioned the rhyming scheme earlier and said you would like it to be lines 1 and 2. Would lines 2 and 4 work?

    Are you willing to tweak your melody slightly? As you will see I have written a line just before the pre-chorus (line 8).

    p.s. I like your challenges - keep them coming!

    The Promises we Give – © Denielle West. July 2011

    Something tells me,

    Something’s so wrong.

    The smile that lights your eyes

    Is now dead and gone.

    Someone took you

    To have and forever hold

    The honeymoon’s over

    His love has turned cold

    He criticizes all that you do

    (Yet) you’ve got somebody here who loves you

    I can’t stand to watch

    Your life pass you by

    Sometimes we have to break the promises we give

    If you stay with him

    You’re too young to die

    Come away with me. Live

    Song Writing Challenge/competition #2 Updated

    in Songwriting

    Posted

    Wow JD, what can I say? :eusa_think: To say how poorly you are, you really gave it your all didn't you? It certainly packs a punch and has real impact. It actually made me jump out of my skin in a couple of places!

    See my colours

    Rise higher than others

    I will make it happen

    (I kept wanting to sing another line here) Your thoughts?

    If that is required I shall try.

    I've got a busy few days coming up (Bon Jovi concert :heartpump:, followed by a family wedding) so I will give it some attention after the weekend. In the meantime, make sure you have lots of hot drinks. Tea is the best remedy imo. Rest your voice. Eat chocolate. Put your feet up and you will feel better in no time :001_smile:

    Song Writing Challenge/competition #2 Updated

    in Songwriting

    Posted · Edited by Dee

    Hello JD

    I am quite willing to change the chorus to fit that's not a problem. My initial thoughts when I began was to have the chorus focussing on the podium. To stand above 2nd and 3rd, watching your flag being raised and your National Anthem being played, I think must be such an amazingly proud moment.

    I will put my thinking cap on and see what I come up with. And I'll see if I can squeeze a middle out as well.

    On a disappointing note, our application for olympic tickets has been unsuccessful :thumbdown:

    oh well, we obviously didn't make it happen this time.

    Like your song by the way :001_smile:

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