averagejoe
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Posts posted by averagejoe
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Not part of a group
Not part of a gang
Don't have a girlfriend
Even though I begged and sang
God didn't hear my call
He just gave me another obstacle and a wall
The wall followed the road to salvation
Like a turtle I'd hide in my shell
Inviting hate and hell
The dark felt so much more cool
I could have stood up for myself and use my voice
Too much a fool
Too tempted
I ate the apple
And left god and the chapel
I will always be my own martyr
My own enemy
My own Judas
Embrace me and my evil
I will always look for the right
And the retrieval
-Of the old me
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You succeeded I think. Kant would enjoy this I reckon. Its about you, but its about everybody.
Thank you
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I exist
though I'm slightly invisible
I love
Though I'm mostly hated
I see
though I'm convinced that I act blind
I speak
though I'm hardly heard
I think
though It sometimes doesn't seem like I do
"People believe I am what they see Me as,
rather than what they do not see.
But I am the Great Unseen,
not what I cause Myself to be in any particular moment.
In a sense, I am what I am not.
It is from the Am-notness that I come, and to it I always return."
-Neale Donald Walsch
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I think the word you meant to use there was "Improve"
heheh...I was tired when I wrote that. Not that I'm excusing my horrible error
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Thank you
. Well 'failing' was maybe a too strong expression, but there is always room to approve. -
Bethers is always right!
Anyway, great poem. Lots of emotions, but they toggle back and forth between subjects, which just makes my little brain think that maybe they are used as a rhyme filler?
Like I say for lots of songs and poems, this one could be turned into many different poems. I would love to read another one that stays on the story of the drunken, unchained, blood stained outsider!
Keep it up!
Thankx, and you're right about the rhyme filling. The idea with poem was a bunch of rhyming words. not really that good. But I'm just trying, and sometimes failing. Appreciate the comment
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Of Course Im Right!!!!
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Maybe you're right
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Much better now w/o that "say yay!" line lol.. great work!! I have no problems with it now!
haha
, well I have an excuse for writing bullshit things. I'm a norwegian viking. I should suck in english ;P.Anyways, glad you think it's ok. There's is still lots of things I could have done better. I'm really no-good at writing.
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not bad, but the first few lines really dont do anything for me at all, and kinda make it hard to get into the rest of it
ah, know whatcha sayin'. fixed a lil'bit...have no idea if I made it any better.
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Stumbled out
Worn-out
outsider
Drunk driver
Unchained
Not blamed
Liberal
Finished objectives
Did it all
Blood stains
Truth reigns
injustice maintains
pushed it under the blanket
a feel of smoothness
like velvet
Pain
making me insane
Many scars
Burned away with alcohol and cigars
Cheers to you and your fake postcards
And most of all for your ignorance and disregards
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I also like the first verse the best. All in all, not bad at all. as for the ending, i didnt see it before it was changed, but i think the way it is now gives it a nice extra touch.
Thankx
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Good work throughout, I like it!
If it were mine I'd make the end look like this:
And the memories
............................fade
...................................away
Thanks!
. Not a bad tip, It makes it more fluent in a way. -
Hey
I like this, particularly the first verse. The last 3 lines don't really add anything for me. It makes it more convoluted, and a bit less poignant...
Cheers
John
I know what you mean. The poem in itself could have been much better
. Thanks for looking at it.I liked nightwolfs ending. I especially liked this part: Keep it up!Thankx!
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Sickness and loneliness tear up my body
Ain't no such thing like good days
The bad feelings and empty thoughts stays
I've grown stuck in this chair
It's true what people say
It's better to burn out than fade away
My inner thoughts haunt my self-centered mind
How could I act so blind?
my beloved ex-friend
How can the hurtful loss of you ever mend?
It all revolves around that question
I'm all over rejection and denial
This is it
This is the day
I've blown my life candle
It's all burned out
And the memories
............................fade
...................................away
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Hm, I'm not sure about that
..But, thanks -
The problem of getting home seems the least of his problems.
THE REAL DEAL WITH CERTAIN PEOPLE part sounds too diplomatic for an emotional statement. NAME & SHAME em!
I agree
....But I'm not that kinda guy. I usually hide my feelings, but through some of my poems I express them. It helps. -
Didn't really catch the 'suicide' reference. Ijust saw it as a lonely drunk who has some problems (the biggest one is how the hell is he gonna get home!) But now I can see it.
Keep it up.
Thankx, I will. (=
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Espen, I notice you put yourself down a lot
I'm afraid that's true. Can't help it really...
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This is smashing good. I like it.
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suicide
Ah,OK.
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scarey
Leaving the Pagans open invite?
ehm, I'm not sure what to think about this poem really. Just something I wrote down, I was inspired by a friend. Was it really that bad?
us infidels like to distance ourselves from the pagans these days. advice is to be had there, but im not proud enough i dont think.Well, you should be. Anyways, this poem sucks donkey ass.
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There's no need to hide
Cast your shadow with pride!
Even though you're special and unique
It is not dangerous to lift your head and speak
Cast your shadow with pride!
Even though you are for some considered dead
There's no reason for you not to love yourself and lift your head
Every man and woman are worth the same
Cast your shadow with pride!
Don't search for gods to believe in
Believe in yourself
Let a person be your guide
Cast your shadow with pride!
Religion means trouble
If you believe in such you will experience double
Love yourself and be peaceful and noble
Cast your shadow with pride!
Religious or not
Be sure to live a good life and love yourself a lot
Cast your shadow with pride!
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I like it. Better than anything I've ever written.
.
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Absence Without Leave
in Poets' Corner
Posted
The midsummer eve
In Tel-aviv
A young naive
Pregnant lady
Would conceive
The son of brave soldier Shiv
He said his arrival was near
When he called his dear
Then in a glimpse and sound
A bomb went down
It became clear to her
that the future of their child was unsure
It took days
Before she got a letter
She hoped for good times ahead
Or at least better
But it was a fine from the military
She wiped her tears from her sleeve
And read it
Unable to really believe
They demanded money for her husband's absence without leave