Dreamless Dream

[porcellainBitch]

Ages of loving, ripped at the seam

It was not supposed to be this way, she knows, she had her scheme.

Now it hurts to strum the well known chords, it all comes crashing down.

Miles and miles of stone and steel. A shattered ghostly town.

Sleeping beauty, wide awake. Still dreaming but won’t close her eyes.

Won’t look at scads of answers she needs, at hows and whens and whys.

She can still feel his warmth; she can still hear him breathe.

Still holding on to her everything but nothing’s left to leave.

She’s holding on to fairytales she built upon pillars of sand.

She’s trying to keep them from crumbling away, to stop the tide but she can’t.

His presence still lingers with her, growing dimmer, as dim as ember.

Trying to spark the fire once more. Forgotten warmth, she yearns to remember.

Every day is like walking the ways of another.

Writing a story of someone who’s not her.

Wandering unknown paths, greeting strangers.

Her life like a cobweb, weaving a maze.

The daylight grew dim through her tearstained eyes’ haze.

She knows things are never as bad as they seem.

But can’t find her way out of her dreamless dream.

[Pipes1975]

Pretty good poem.

I paticularly enjoyed these 2 lines:

Now it hurts to strum the well known chords, it all comes crashing down.

Miles and miles of stone and steel. A shattered ghostly town.

[Dennee]

Ages of loving, ripped at the seam

It was not supposed to be this way, she knows, she had her scheme.

Now it hurts to strum the well known chords, it all comes crashing down.

Miles and miles of stone and steel. A shattered ghostly town.

Sleeping beauty, wide awake. Still dreaming but won’t close her eyes.

Won’t look at scads of answers she needs, at hows and whens and whys.

She can still feel his warmth; she can still hear him breathe.

Still holding on to her everything but nothing’s left to leave.

She’s holding on to fairytales she built upon pillars of sand.

She’s trying to keep them from crumbling away, to stop the tide but she can’t.

His presence still lingers with her, growing dimmer, as dim as ember.

Trying to spark the fire once more. Forgotten warmth, she yearns to remember.

Every day is like walking the ways of another.

Writing a story of someone who’s not her.

Wandering unknown paths, greeting strangers.

Her life like a cobweb, weaving a maze.

The daylight grew dim through her tearstained eyes’ haze.

She knows things are never as bad as they seem.

But can’t find her way out of her dreamless dream.

The rhyme and meter say to me that this will be more successful as a song than as a poem. You've got some good metaphors in here--the cobweb, the maze, and "ripped at the seam" are all especially fine. More metaphor, less narrative detail, and maybe a bit of alliteration would make it a better poem--also you don't see many rhyming couplets like this in modern poetry--but why not just let it sing? Write a tune or try to find someone else to write one. You could break it up into verses and add a chorus about being lost in (or falling down into?) a dreamless dream.

[saran]

I agree with what Dennee said, you've got something really good for a song. Not that I'm an expert, I can just imagine it!

I really like it anyway!

Saran x