Dennee

Even better! In the last line, I think "your mirror" might be more effective than "the mirror." Punctuation: remove comma after "descent" in line 2. Also there should be no apostrophe in "its" right there, because you are not meaning "it is." You can either use punctuation at the ends of your lines or not (I prefer punctuation), but you have to be consistent one way or the other. In this one, you have it at the end of some lines, but not others. Really good sonnet!

Hey, your sonnets are definitely getting better! I think you probably know that last line doesn't measure up, though, don't you? (Really, rhyming "God" with "cherry on top".... Plus it doesn't sound all that contrite.) Try this for the closing couplet: "I've sworn by all the angels in heaven/ I beg you, please, may I be forgiven?" Also line 4 is a little clunky, so you might want to play with that one a bit. Minor punctuation points: Put a comma also before "love" in the 3rd line, and take out the comma before "walks on the beach" in the 3rd verse. You might want to change "to say you're sorry" to "to say I'm sorry." Otherwise it's really great. Keep up the good work!

Hi, Dani. I read this a long time ago and have been meaning to comment, but life got out of control for awhile. I hope you're feeling better now (than you were when you wrote this). First of all, please change the title. Second, I think the first four verses are really good, and really, that's all you need. In the last two verses you are beating yourself up, and it's just sad. The beginning has strength, when you say you won't cry over spilled milk. But then you do. The line about not wanting to settle for being wanted, but wanting to be needed is good, and maybe you can rework that verse. Definitely worth saving. Please do not call yourself repellant or cowardly. You go, girl.

I love this. I had the privilege of seeing Jake K. play this--and a whole concert--at the Rochester Jazz Fest last year. It is AMAZING what he can do with that ukelele! George H. is one of my favorite songwriters, too, and I think he would have loved this rendition, especially since he loved ukelele too. Jake is from Hawaii and George used to winter there. I wonder if they ever met.

I like this now that you've edited it and tightened it up! Good one!

/Thanks for your comments, Timothy. Well, the poem is not only about dogs, except about their ability to inspire love and to love unconditionally--like God does. In that way, dogs are better than us. And the other linkage is that they are, as I'm sure you know, mirror-image words. I am juxtaposing the God/doG word-play to point out that the Highest and one of the lowest of creatures are better than humans but, for some reason, they love us anyway. So it's really about love, and about how strangely we love, and how we're less forgiving than both God and dogs. The part "And Thank God/and thank Dog!" follows the line about love comes in the window even when we lock the door. Love tends to get to us anyway, even if we're determined to protect ourselves, even if we think we can't risk it or don't have time for it or don't trust it, or whatever. Love will find a way to sneak into your life even if it is only through God sending you a series of dogs to love. (And let us be thankful to both of them for that!) I also tried to say (in the part you liked most) that we always think the our current love (whether it's a lover or a baby or a dog) will be our last because we just can't imagine ever loving anything more than that! But we always come up with more love, even when we think we've used it up. So really, I think too much description of the dogs would further camouflage the message, which, given that you didn't understand all of it, means it may be too obscure already! But I'm glad you liked it anyhow, and I appreciate the feedback!

Hi, Dolly--welcome! So...WAS it Mike?

I was trying to decide which one to post, but Timothy's poem about his dog inspired me to post this one. Three dogs--a brown, a black, a white-- consecutive canines, all loved so that I thought I could never love another. But love is like that. It sneaks in the window even when you know you've closed the door. And thank God! And thank Dog. You know you felt that way about your children-- as if you could never love another more than the baby you held in your arms, whose soft sweet-smelling head seemed to be ever so subtly molding itself to your shoulder. But of course you were washed with the same swell of emotions when you held the next one. Yet dogs are much less complicated than children; and their love is unconditional, the way we wish ours were. But then, that is the difference between us and God and dogs. © Denise Thompson, 2009

Hey, Timothy--I love dogs, too, and they've inspired a fair amount of poetry. (Have you read Billy Collins? He's got one book with a few dog poems.) I've written two myself; maybe I'll post one of those. ANYWAY...You understand the rhyme scheme for sonnets, but are you deliberately or accidentally ignoring the 5-iamb-line rule for traditional sonnets? (10 syllables per line, Da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH-da-DAH) Those alternating accents are important for flow. Of course, you don't have to write in 10-syllable lines, but you should have some even number of syllables per line if you really want it to be a sonnet, and the accents need to follow a repetitive pattern as well. (For instance, it could be Da-da-DAH-da-da-DAH....) It's great to see someone who actually likes to do formal structured poetry these days. It's like a puzzle,isn't it? Have fun with it!

I think you're right that it is a song, not a poem. If you want to turn it into a poem, read some Rumi (Coleman Barks translations)--it has that flavor. I like where it's coming from. If it is a song, why not go ahead and take that obvious rhyme in the refrain(?): "So I gave into greed/my ego to feed." From part of the structure, which could be simplified btw, and from what you say about it, it reminds me of that song "Cat's in the Cradle" (was that Cat Stevens? I guess a lot of people have covered it)--anyway, it's about a guy who never has time for his son, and when his son grows up he never has time for his lonely old dad, and the dad realizes "My son's a lot like me." So there's some kind of progression and comparison with the old man and the moral recognition that "hey, I am like that or I could easily end up like that." I think if you work on it you can clarify it even more. Good idea--go for it!

Okay, I have to say I'm relieved that this is not a love-gone-wrong poem! I've gotten to where I can't read any more of those. You have something here, but I think it needs some work. First of all, I'd try setting the "As if"s off on a separate line each time, and I think I'd also have the first one come before "hanging" on the delicate thread. In fact, the poem could be shaped like a knotted thread strung together by "as if"s. "As if/ time it takes for echoes to return/someone whispering...." makes, I'm sorry, no sense to me. Could you clarify that bit? You don't need the "the" in front of reflecting mirrors. Deciphering has a ph in the middle. I don't think you can decipher something apart, exactly, but this is your poetic license you're operating on. (Watch that dude with the breathalyzer coming up behind you, though.) If you're going to end with "as if," you might want to put 4 ellipses after it (....) I think you can safely eliminate "are" and "with" in the last verse: "Days passing mighty hard/People deciphering his soul/Nights gnaw him, gnaw him/As if...." would be a good ending. Tighten up, tighten up, tighten up. But don't give up, because you have the makings of a strong poem here.

The rhyme and meter say to me that this will be more successful as a song than as a poem. You've got some good metaphors in here--the cobweb, the maze, and "ripped at the seam" are all especially fine. More metaphor, less narrative detail, and maybe a bit of alliteration would make it a better poem--also you don't see many rhyming couplets like this in modern poetry--but why not just let it sing? Write a tune or try to find someone else to write one. You could break it up into verses and add a chorus about being lost in (or falling down into?) a dreamless dream.