My Mistress And My Wife

[jimharmon]

My Mistress and My Wife

I'm at peace to night in my mistresses arms

My head upon her breasts.

I feel the gentle rise and fall

Matched breathes within my chest.

I hear the words she does not speak

Her whispers soft and low

As if our souls and minds are one

I feel the passions flow.

I turn my head, reach out my hand

And stroke my sweet wife's head.

A lucky man indeed am I

To have my mistress and my wife in bed.

I lay there thinking about these two

How similar they are, yet so different by and far.

Neither one demands a thing from me

I gaze up at the stars.

My mistress has an unpredictable streak

Most times she's quiet and warm

But pushed to hard against her will

She becomes a raging storm.

My wife it seems can be like that too

But I've learned the warning signs

I've discovered just how far to go

With my mistress and my wife.

It's not a shame I need these two

To help me feel fulfilled

For they touch very different parts of me

When one can not, the other will.

So, I lay here lost in menage a trois

With my mistress and my wife.

I'm lucky to have the both of them

I love their every motion.

My wife ,of course, she is my wife.

My mistress, she's the Ocean.

Edited April 3, 2012 by jimharmon

[Mazrocon]

I like the concept of her being "two" different people. Though you sometimes prefer the other, luck would have it you have both!

Very sensual piece... keep it up my friend!

~TIMOTHY~

[psyve]

First of all, I wanted to say I enjoyed this poem. The clever twist in the end was nicely done.

I see that you seem to pretty much lead the poetry section, so you definitely know more about poetry than I do, as a simple songwriter.

My own observations below are offered with the greatest of respect so please feel free to take whatever works for you and ignore the rest.

The meter you seem to have gone for here is an 8 syllable first line followed by a six syllable second line (with two blank spaces making it an 8 syllable line too… but the last two are silent) and repeating the pattern.

This cadence is similar to that in, say, Wordsworth’s “Solitary Reaper†:

Behold her, single in the field,………………. (8 syllables)

Yon solitary Highland Lass (da-da)………….(6 Syllables…â€Solitary†being pronounced as 2 syllables)

Reaping and singing by herself……………. (8 syllables)

Stop here, or gently pass (da-da) …………. (6 syllables)

As a songwriter, meter and cadence are often of prime concern to me and as I read this poem, I stumbled at a few places on meter. I also had a couple of other suggestions so I thought I’d share a songwriter’s perspective on this:

I'm at peace tonight in my mistress’ arms

My head upon her breast (I suggest use of the singular ‘â€breast†rather than the plural “breastsâ€.

Rhymes better with “chest†too.)

I feel the gentle rise and fall

Matched breaths within my chest.

I hear the words she does not speak

Her whispers soft and low

As if our souls and minds are one

I feel the passions flow.

I turn my head, reach out my hand

And stroke my sweet wife's head.

A lucky man indeed am I

That they both share my bed. (This line needed 4 syllables less… perhaps something like this? )

I lie here thinking ‘bout these two (I’d suggest use of “lie†instead of “lay†and “here†instead of “there†to keep the present tense and sense of immediacy going. Also losing a syllable by changing “about†to “ ‘bout †)

So close, yet both so far. (This line had 12 or 13 syllables: it needs exactly 6 …perhaps something like this?)

And neither asks a thing from me This line needs 8 syllables. Perhaps something like this?

I gaze up at the stars.

My mistress has an unpredictable streak This line needs 8 syllables. This one has 11. Needs a rethink?

Most times she's quiet and warm

But pushed too hard against her will

Becomes a raging storm. This line needed only 6 syllables. Maybe lose the “She†like this?

My wife is sometimes like that too This line needed 8 syllables. Perhaps something like this?

I've learned the warning signs This line needed only 6 syllables. Perhaps losing the “But†helps?

Discovered just how far to go This line needed only 8 syllables. Perhaps losing the “I’ve†helps?

(With) my mistress and my wife.

I’m not ashamed to say I need

Them both to feel fulfilled

They feed two different sides of me

Where one cant, the other will.

So, I lie here lost in this menage a trois

(With) my mistress and my wife.

(Needs a new 8 syllable line here)

(Needs a new 6 syllable line here)

I'm lucky to have the both of them

I love their every motion.

My wife, of course, she is my wife.

My mistress, she's the Ocean.

[jimharmon]

Thank you for your very exacting critique.

I too write more lyrics than pure poetry but I waver between both.

If you would like to join our group and commit your self to the weekly challenges, I \'d be glad to have you.

[psyve]

Thank you, Jim,

Appreciate your invitation... not sure I have the ability to comit to any regular weekly challanges, but I will try to post and critique here as and when I am able.

[jimharmon]

Not everyone who has joined the group participates every week, I wish they did, but that's the way the poets bumble!