A Life You Kissed Goodbye

[taz5001]

I haven't finished yet, but I would like some critique from you guys. and please, be honest. Don't sugarcoat it.

 

"Lying on the floor, lookin at a photo
And suddenly, out through my window
I saw us hangin out, sittin in a tree
Talkin about us, and MTV
You were smiling, I was laughing
Back when we were smashing
Later that night I remember I got down on one knee
And then I asked you will you marry me?
You just shook your head, and walked away
Later that night, I dreamed you said okay
I saw us at the altar, where we said our vows
Then I made a speech, and took a bow
But that's when I woke up, and remembered that
That's a life you kissed goodbye
I should have known that look in your eye
That I saw every time you walked by
That you were gonna break my heart
Should have known from the very start
After I cried myself to sleep
I started thinkin about why you left me"

- A Life You Can Kiss Goodbye

 

[MPerry]

Hi Taz

 

You have a really good start here...bits and pieces of a momentum...that needs a push, by that I mean...selecting the right words will give you the best of what could be,  instead of just mediocre....Keep at it, it's there...regards, Mike

[Odin]

hi pal

 

ok so you said no sugar, so dont take this personal, the first bit sounds like an american girls nusery rhime, you know the one.... Tammy Tammy Tammy, siting in a tree.... wondering if she loves mark, and he loves she...... you know the one,  any way, the second bit is too clear for an ode, its too blatent a confession of a young guys drunken, stoned  attempt at a proposal of marrage, she was clearly just a freind, so insted of just coming out with the thing that hurt you, maybe  you could explore in your tail, the emotions that you experianced, but with out  letting the reader know where these powerful emotions are coming from.

 + points are, you are still young, and your ability to encript these kind of complex, social emotions, in words on paper, will only grow  with you, and life experiance.

all that said your poem is not bad, its just that its still just a seed,     put it on the back burner and revisit it in a few years time.

All the best