Chorus/hook idea

[Cruz]

As angels part the dust

Our hearts turn to gold 

Damning our colored sky

 

As angels part the dust 

Our hearts yearn to thrall

Aching for night to call

 

As angels part the dust 

Our hearts bend to light 

Living to see the dawn 

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Its supposed to be the beginning of a song, kinda slow, not really sure how else to describe it; higher pitched and soft too. Any ideas or feedback would be cool. Any questions too I can answer if thatll help.

 

[zyzzyva]

Well since you asked, it seems a bit convoluted and contradictory. Angels parting dust and hearts turning to gold, I'm guessing, are good? If so, how does that damn our night sky? Why are hearts yearning to thrall? That means to enslave and subjugate someone. Why are we aching for night to call? We're in night according to you. Lyrics are poetic but they are not poetry. Lyrics should be reasonably  accessible to the reader/listener especially the chorus. Writing some clever words without knowing their meanings and how they relate to other words written lead to what you have here -- nonsense. 

Z 
 

[Odanada]

Hello Cruz.

You seem to have something in mind, but it's hard to discern from the rough sketch you've provided. 

Maybe you need to flesh out your idea a bit more before presenting it?

I can see this is your first post and I'm hoping you are not too discouraged by the feedback.

I too am looking to test drive some ideas here, but have decided to go slow until I get the lay of the land - after all, we have our whole lives to figure this out, right?