Does this word work?

[John S Alty]

I'm playing around with lyrics for a song about the scourge of alcoholism. In this opening verse the third line uses the word "intercourse" - a word play to suggest both sex and talking.

Does it work?

 

"Through grimy windows the sunlight streams

Onto empty bottles and broken dreams

Dim recollections of bad intercourse

Ignite the loathing and bitter remorse"

Edited May 21, 2020 by John S Alty

[Peggy]

Hi John,

 

Great imagery.  

 

At first read it seemed like a formal and polite way to say "bad sex", setting up a forced  rhyme for remorse.  Not sure if that was caused, in my thoughts, by specifically highlighting the use of the word in your setup.

 

Read it a couple more times and it definitely grew on me.  

 

Peggy

 

 

 

[John S Alty]

Thanks Peggy. Yes, it sounds ok to me now but it felt a bit weird when I first wrote it. I guess I'll keep it until the songs finished and reassess it then.

[MikeRobinson]

"May I punch in?  No."

 

The first two lines of your proposed stanza are visual.  But the remaining two lines are mental ... and introspective, "regretful."

 

My suggestion?  "Finish the metaphor."  Look for contrasting visual elements within this verse, that you can now back-reference within the next verse, which can now also consist of a "complete" stanza.

[John S Alty]

On 5/18/2020 at 3:54 AM, Patchez said:

However, I deliberately constantly Sea how I can Write Right, so when sung versus Red how they then like the imagery of the mind picture via my song. I do allot of Mourning morning rites in 5 min chunks in reaction to general things, like news-headlines. The Moar one does it, well, it can be addictive intercourse, of course.     [It's a gud vocab builder!] 

?

[John S Alty]

10 hours ago, MikeRobinson said:

"May I punch in?  No."

 

The first two lines of your proposed stanza are visual.  But the remaining two lines are mental ... and introspective, "regretful."

 

My suggestion?  "Finish the metaphor."  Look for contrasting visual elements within this verse, that you can now back-reference within the next verse, which can now also consist of a "complete" stanza.

I like the verse, I'm just unsure of how the word intercourse works in this scenario. I have an alternative line in mind but I'll finish the song before deciding which to use.