Skylark

[Drew]

We had to write a sonnet for English class. I'm a musician, not a lyricist/poet so I will be satisfied with what I've got. What are your overall suggestions? I'm not really sure the different lines tie together very well and some stuff feels to me that it's their just to fit the rhyme scheme. Thanks

Skylark

The skylarks that sit in the laurel trees

Wake me with their slow, bittersweet tune.

The solit’ry wolf hears in the evening breeze

Another lonesome wolf howling at the moon.

The hummingbird starts to become weary

From making love to the promiscuous rose.

The day awakens overcast and dreary.

The fox has run away with all of the does.

The robin builds his nest with the bible page

He stole from the alcoholic pastor.

Nomad mouse thinks of the nest with env’ous rage,

And sees those holy words as alabaster.

The wind blows through the leaves and makes such a sound

That reveals the beauty shiv’ring on the ground.

[john]

Hi Drew

Please take some time to review 3 other poems on this board. Peer review is what keeps these boards working, and at the end of the day means your own poems will be reviewed and your own critique skills will be improved.

I tend to agree with you about the rhyme-making choice of lines. I guess my main problem here is that the title does not really relate to the content. "Skylark" gives the impression that the poem is about or related to the theme. Ok you mention a skylark in the first line, but there the relevence ends.

Without changing it too much I think you could relate it to the skylark. For example, adding on a mention of the skylark at the end to tie it all up. For that to work you need to work through the poem and stitch the meaning together. An easy method of doing this may be to make the other lines the observations of the skylark, or the skylarks friends or neighbors or something like that. that means changing the first lines to convey that the skylark is observing etc.

What is basically missing is the overall theme that gives you the reason to bring the other animals etc into this.

"The solit’ry wolf hears in the evening breeze

Another lonesome wolf howling at the moon."

This pair of lines is thematically paired, but I think it could be better. For example changing the more or less direct repetition of solit'ry wolf/lonesome wolf. This could be achieved in the second of the lines replacing "Another lonesome wolf" with something like "A kindred spirit..." etc.

Cheers

John

[Lazz]

I was drawn instantly to this post because of the title. There is an iconic song called 'Skylark' written in the early 1940s by Hoagy Carmichael and Johnny Mercer - two giant legends of song-writing. Hoagy's melody is typically captivating and beautiful. Mercer's lyric reads a little strange and cutesy on the page, but it sings out perfectly across those lovely challenging notes.

If I had your assignment, I wouldn't have been able to resist referencing this classic and updating the what the skylark has to tell the narrator about love. But you probably never heard of it, I guess, it's way too old and too much a jazz standard. Nonetheless, other people's work often offers a good model - just like the model sonnet structure.

I think you should be proud of yourself for adhering to the Shakespearean rhyme scheme.

Pity you couldn't bend it better to some coherent lyrical intent.

And a shame you didn't stick to the pentameter throughout.

A nice worthwhile try, I reckon.

But why not have another bash and do it better ?

[Da Prophecy]

Hey Drew, as a personal lover of the sonnet form I must say that you did a commendable job considering you don't write this type of stuff on a regular basis. You had good language and descriptions. The meter could be a little more smooth but it is hard to pull off the first few times. My first attempts at a sonnet were way worse than this. If you right them enough, you get used to the form. Good job overall!