Contemplate

[DeadSkinny]

"Contemplate"

by Joel Smith

Lay not down you iron will upon this bed of moss

For in time the bed would wither, and the will to rust be lost

Keep your thoughts inside your head, untill such time you've contemplated

Then exactly what you mean will be the the statement you have stated

[john]

Hey

I like the first two lines, but 3 and 4 left me a bit cold. I like what you are trying to do, but for me it doesn't quite make it yet.

I do like short poems.

Cheers

John

[DeadSkinny]

i think your right. the last two lines sound like something you'd have to learn in elementary school. in any case, it doesn't really go with the rest. it calls for something more powerful.

-joel

[Da Prophecy]

Hey Deadskinny, these are well-written couplets (especially the first two lines). I think the last two lines should be different but the lines you have there now should be used in another poem. Also, short poems can at times say a lot more than longer ones but in this case the poem could maybe use just a few more lines.

Da Prophecy

[beautifuldisaster]

Short but nice and meaningful.