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Oswlek

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Oswlek last won the day on December 13 2016

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About Oswlek

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  1. As usual, Dave is right. I think one of these would make V3 quite a bit better: While everyone we know Sends their regards I dream of who you were And tend to who you are or While everyone we know Sends their regards I long for who you were And hold who you are I really like tend, it's descriptive and you get a nice internal rhyme with send. Any reason why that wouldn't work?
  2. Lovely. Like Ferry I was left with the impression that the song went away too soon. I think you could add a solo/instrumental interlude after C2 and come back for a third chorus without losing interest. A listening quirk: the first time around I was ready to type that I think you consider ditching one of the sections before the first verse, it just seemed to meander until finally hitting "we are the people." On a second pass, though, the flow made much more sense. So I'll just offer it as an experience rather than a suggestion.
  3. Man, I love this. Its like Radiohead produced a sexy, smokey jazz tune. Added to my personal listening playlist. My only complaint is that I would have stuck around for another pass through the the verse progression before the breakdown at the end. Otherwise, it was an immensely satisfying listen.
  4. Sounds much, much better. Great job.
  5. Thanks @HoboSage. I updated the SC file with one that implements your version of V3, though I used the lyric above so it may need some tidying up. I also went with a more lullaby-ish vocal delivery that feels more in line with the emotion of the song. Your thoughts on that would be welcome. To me, the fact that those stanzas begin the same but end differently is one of the most appealing things about them. I have a hard time seeing that changing. I also have to admit to liking how V3 calls back to V1. Yeah, there really isn't one. It is more of a "sing the first part of the stanza to inform the listener of where we are and then deliver the next line" kind of thing. I'm open to modifying this, though I like how it allows me to summarize the story - all that she once was is trapped in who she is now. I'll see if I can convey the idea in a "while they are sending their love, I'm mourning the fact that you'll probably never be the same" that joins the thoughts better.
  6. Maybe something like this for the new V3: Everyone we know sends their regards Now who you were is only who you are or Everyone we know sends their regards Now who you were is trapped/lost/caught in who you are
  7. Thanks Dave. To my ear the reset was happening after the interlude, but I think I've found a slightly more active strum during the break that leads into the latter half nicely. I'll try recording it tomorrow. Now I just need a new ending to the repeat of the V1 Everyone we know sends their regards In their..... I also am changing V1 mildly to get rid of the confusing birthday cards... Everyone we know Sends their regards In their kind words On their get well cards I had a few ideas for V1 to convey childhood, but I think it makes it too morose and makes "regards" sound wimpy and out of place. For posterity, here it is: Have we played out back For the last time Have I heard your precious laugh For the last time
  8. Thanks Dave. Considering your skill with lyrics, this makes me happy. It is debatable how successful this is, but doing so was intentional. I thought there is was repetitive enough to maintain the flow but changing "there" to "back" added weight by making it two long drives instead of just one. I also hoped that breaking trend in this way (as well as the melodic change which borrows from the second half of the earlier verses) would set up dropping the second half of the stanza, which segues into.... I hadn't considered this, but I've given it some thought since reading your comment earlier. As far as I can tell, songs use both techniques: some drop the second half of a verse (or the PC), some bypass the first half and go straight to the build. I would agree the latter is best if there had been a solo or bridge after C1, but since it resets my ear wants to head into the beginning. It's certainly possible there is something about the structure I'm not grasping that makes hitting the second half appropriate. Feel free to pitch me on it if you still feel convinced I should do so. Was anyone else bothered by the break in 2/4 repetition in V3?
  9. EDIT: Some changes were made per Dave's suggestion that I know I'm going to keep so I'm just restarting the thread from there. V1 Have I seen your face For the last time? Have I felt your embrace For the last time? Everyone we know Sends their regards In their kind wishes And their get well cards V2 I sit and hold your hand But you're not there Will I ever understand Why you're not there Everyone we know Sends all their love In their hopeful prayers To their god above Chorus I.... I don't know How to hold this fading hope That I..... I will see You come back home to me Come back home.... V3 - changes to performance in bold While everyone we know Sends their regards I dream of who you were And hold who you are Chorus I.... I don't know How to hold this fading hope That I..... I will see You come back home to me You come back home to me Come back home.... As usual, everything is up for discussion, though my primary concern with this one is the lyrics. Is it clear what is going on? V1 gives the impression that the person has died, but it's really about someone still alive who has degraded to the point that they are no longer recognizable as the person they were before. Is that minor head fake a problem? EDIT: I decided to ditch the idea of making it about a child and just running with the failing partner angle most get out if. The narrative feels more consistent that way. Had I gone with a child, this was a possible V1 Have we played out back For the last time? Have I heard you silly laugh For the last time? Thanks, everyone.
  10. Same here! I definitely perked up when the drums came in. There is a lot to like about this piece. I like the main chord progression and the arrangement style. It doesn't feel fully fleshed out, but the concept is clear and strong. The lyrics are a bit too bland for my taste, and I'm not someone who even pays attention most of the time. Cliches can be useful in getting across ideas concisely, but they have a cost as well. When you lean too much on them (and here you lean entirely on them) you end up with a piece that literally has all been said before. You don't have to do too much, just toss out a couple visceral images that would apply to a specific relationship - what did you like to do? where did you go? - the emotional investment will up substantially. The other thing is that, while I think the vocal melody does a good job of getting the idea across, it still sounds like it is only trying to get the idea across. To me, it sounds like a quick take just to make sure to get something down to before it slips away. Some refinement is probably in order. Good stuff! Looking forward to hearing more from you.
  11. Listening again... it is really lovely and I am still left with the same chorus chord impression that was discussed over on the Muse.
  12. Thanks for your candor, Rob. I had a similar impression, that I had "fixed" all the problems while paradoxically diminishing the experience of the song, but wasn't sure if that was just because I was so used to the earlier version. There are a couple ideas I'll keep about the new version (the bass/kick separation and bringing in a bit more attack on the snare) but I'll push reset and try to implement them without polishing any magic away.
  13. Sorry for the delay in responding, I didn't want to bump the thread until I had a new mix to offer. Pretty much all feedback has been implemented, I removed the low pass filter and added a low velocity stick snare sample to thicken that up, I did some EQ to the bass/kick to give each their own space (and raised the bass quite a bit in some lost low notes), I lowered the vocals some (both lead and backing) which in turn forced me to lower the lead at the end. Is this mix finally done? Rob is right - redacted for now @JH Michaels - Thanks for the kind words, both issues you raised have hopefully been addressed. @RobAsh15 - Hopefully I didn't kill what you liked about the earlier version. @Simon Darveau - Lots adjusted per your advice, Simon. I'd love to see if you think this mix is more on track. @Mahesh - Thanks for the kind words and detailed feedback, Mahesh. The lead at the end was initially electric, but I didn't like it, so I recorded it again on acoustic. The switch didn't hit the spot, so I finally blended the two and I liked that much better. I wasn't able to change the tone there, but hopefully the volume change rubs off the tinniness you don't like. @ImKeN - Thanks Ken, I don't have the files handy now, but I'll pass along youtube links later. FWIW, I heeded your advice about the backing vox levels which were definitely too loud prior to the first chorus. @M57 - Thanks, Mark. I always look forward to your detailed thoughts. I must confess to being mildly disappointed because I thought that, of all my songs, this was the one that traversed some unexpected paths while still sounding cohesive and simple. As much as I completely understand the gist of your comment, I struggle to tell where you thought my chord choice stood out poorly. I presume that it is either the verse opener or the first chord of the PC, since those are the two maj7s. Would you mind elaborating some? Thanks. @HoboSage - Thanks for your feedback, Dave. I'll let you in on a secret: Janice's vocals weren't me selfishly accepting an act of generosity on her part, it was desperation. For much the same reasons you pointed out, my initial idea for this song was to be a 1+1 with very little layering, but my melody alone couldn't make the chorus pop. Changing it to a higher range was totally out of character. Janice really liked the song, so she offered to send me some harmonies to see if it would give the chorus the sparkle it lacked, and it was a total home run. Trust me when I tell that the piece leans a LOT more on her contributions than the final appears to indicate. Also, I've been listening to a lot of songs from "Live From Darryl's House" and they trade vocals between Hall and whoever the feature artist is, usually with no lyric or song reason for doing so. I've yet to hear one that I thought detracted from the piece overall, even in more intimate numbers like this. Long story short (too late!), I no longer share the concern about Janice entering a chorus about a lonely guy, but even if I did her vocals add far too much to consider changing anything now. Hopefully that makes sense. @bakerusc - Thanks! I love that opening key change as well, it gives me chills every time and it was the moment I knew the I was onto something. I'll add more later that details my unimpressive studio techniques. @outss - Thanks, the perc is clearer now and the vocals have come down. Thanks for the feedback. @Richard Tracey - Much appreciated, Richard. I still have to send you those drum samples, don't I?
  14. Very interesting. There are some times when the music avoids a resolve or the upper melody seems to contrast what the bass notes are doing, which I presume has to do with the 13 edo. How does that work, BTW? Are there additional intermediate notes? Does the scale go higher than what would normally be considered an octave?
  15. Cool Not my usual thing, but I got into it. Nice mellow vibe and the vocal was hypnotic. I'm not a huge fan of the snare and kick samples, but that is likely just a matter of taste. Like Richard, I also thought the song was a little too sparse, but not by a great deal. Nice one.