The Harem Queen

[Janeva]

I wrote this poem after watching the Documentary Channel - I can't get enough of it    If I could have my time again (maybe if I reach the afterlife?) I'd quite like to study anthropology and Egyptian archaeology.....

 

The poem relates to the divine status of the Pharaohs seen as representative of god like beings during their lifetime. 

 

Any critiques welcome.......

 

 

   

The Harem Queen

 

Queen under Pharaoh

Life is unjust

Fan under feather

Cool in the dust

Man over woman

Pain under skin

Queen under Pharaoh

Plots against Him

 

Slave under Pharaoh

Life is unjust

Skin under leather

Heat in the dust

Man over woman

Skin under skin

Slave under Pharaoh

Acts against Him

 

Priest under Pharaoh

Love is unjust

Skin under tether

Feet in the dust

Man over woman

Pain under skin

Priest under Pharaoh

Punishes sin

 

© J Hutchinson  2014

[Jim622]

I find this interesting. I think with a little more thought, maybe a chorus, you have a song.

[Janeva]

Hi Jim

 

Thanks for reading this through and your comments.

 

I hadn't intended this to be a song but I suppose that is possible 

 

Jan

[darren]

Great use of repetition with variation  - gives a hypnotic, almost chant-like quality to the words!

[Janeva]

Great use of repetition with variation  - gives a hypnotic, almost chant-like quality to the words!

 

Thank you, Darren. 

 

Yes, I hadn't thought of this as a chant - but now I look again - it does seem to read like that. 

 

Jan

[Guest]

It reads like a power struggle.  Slaves wants freedom, and women resent being dominated by men. 

[MPerry]

Hi Jan

I loved your poem..loved your choice of subject matter, it felt ancient and modern all at the same time with your clever use of the right words, and your repetitive verses, you brought it all together- nicely done!!..regards Mike

[MikeRobinson]

  Holy smokes!!

 

Is this, like, finished yet?

 

A lyric like this one doesn't need a "chorus."  It's a chant.  It needs an exotic chord progression, an unusual (musical) mode, a distinctly Middle Eastern feel.  In my mind's ear I hear castanets, long string pulls, a sense of power and of danger and intrigue.

 

Lyrics as utterly good as this one, don't come around every day.  Register the copyright to that puppy right away.  You could sell it on its own merit and let someone else provide the arrangement and orchestration.

 

The title, "Harem Queen," attracted my attentions right away.

[Janeva]

Hi Jan

I loved your poem..loved your choice of subject matter, it felt ancient and modern all at the same time with your clever use of the right words, and your repetitive verses, you brought it all together- nicely done!!..regards Mike

 

Hi Mike

 

Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you liked it. I love anything to do with Ancient Egypt and this was the real inspiration for me. 

 

Jan

 

  Holy smokes!!

 

Is this, like, finished yet?

 

A lyric like this one doesn't need a "chorus."  It's a chant.  It needs an exotic chord progression, an unusual (musical) mode, a distinctly Middle Eastern feel.  In my mind's ear I hear castanets, long string pulls, a sense of power and of danger and intrigue.

 

Lyrics as utterly good as this one, don't come around every day.  Register the copyright to that puppy right away.  You could sell it on its own merit and let someone else provide the arrangement and orchestration.

 

The title, "Harem Queen," attracted my attentions right away.

 

Hi Mike

 

Thank you so much, I'm pleased your like it.  I've only recently begun writing poetry again so it's good to get such positive feedback. 

 

Jan