Challenge #39 What Were You Thinking?

[jamestoffee]

Challenge #39 What Were You Thinking?

 

Listen here:

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12875339

 

What? Were you thinking?
Thinking is dangerous; I’ve warned you before
What? Were you thinking?
I don’t want hear you’re thinking no more
What were you thinking?

What? Were you thinking?
I am the brains; your skin is bronzed 
What? Were you thinking?
I sell the music and you sing the songs
What were you thinking?

What? Were you thinking?
You say your fans want to know the true you
What? Were you thinking?
You’re just a low cut costume in a new hairdo 
What were you thinking?

What? Were you thinking?
You had your 15 minutes as the star of the show
What? Were you thinking?
You made it to the top now there’s nowhere to go
What were you thinking?

 

What were you thinking?

Edited August 3, 2014 by jamestoffee

[halld1971]

James, 

That was great, I loved it.  I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes.  I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!!  This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly.  Great job mate!!!

[jamestoffee]

Hi Les,

 

>I have tried to do a critique but not really something I am comfortable doing, no expert on the subject.

 

Thanks for giving it a go.

 

 

>not sure of the twisted phrase!

The twist was subtle; maybe too subtle.....being What! (interjection) Were you thinking? (Rhetorical question)...implying that the singee was not to be thinking at all vs. a one time blunder of an action or word.

 

>From the 2^nd verse the song comes across quite mean towards the person and if they have made it to the top would they really put up with that attitude towards them?

 

I had a couple of thoughts combined.  One was Milli Vanilli when  they wanted to use their own voices for their album.  Another was the idea of “selling out†to the music industry meaning you have to be and do what is expected instead of following your own artistic integrity.

 

 I agree that in “real life†the singer would be a real jerk....but I think it does personify the media a bit.  Consider how relatively short-lived most entertainers careers are “at the top of their gameâ€

 

>Now saying that in the last verse you state they have “had†their 15 min’s of being the star, which contradicts them being at the top unless they are a 1 hit wonder at the top for a short time,

 

Yes, what is not explicit is the time frame that the singer had been to the top and is not there anymore and questioning “Was it all worth it?.....what was i/ were you (self-talk) thinking

 

>I don’t know why but “your skin is bronzed†seems out of place! If you wanted to keep with the following lines that seem sarcastic to me (might not be the best word) you could have used something like “your just a blonde† or something similar! just my thoughts.

 

I thought about saying almost the exact same line “you’re just the blonde†but I tried for a twist on the cliché “I am the brains (smart); you are the brawn (strength) of this operation†

 

“your skin is bronzedâ€

Implies fake or real suntan; the singee is mostly marketable for her looks....and voice

 

>Overall a good attempt at the challenge and the recorded version is good and I hope this offering of a critique makes some sense? 

 

Thank again for the critique.    It helps to see that what I assume is coming across isn't always the case.

 

James

[john]

Hi James

A good start. You conform to structure and the general theme, but I have a few things I would highlight for consideration....

You have 5 lines per verse, with 3 of them devoted to refrain or refrain like lines it gives very little real estate for story development. AAA song form is an ideal song form for telling a story.

A refrain can be a single line or multiple lines. They are commonly at the beginning of a verse, or at the end. Less commonly they can be found mid verse. They can be all 3, as you have, but then you have the consideration, always, of what it brings you.

So I would try playing with variations... It costs nothing to try. For example, try a single line at the start of the verse as the refrain. Try a single line at the end. Try a double line at beginning, a double line at the end. Try a line at the beginning with a line at the end... See what it gets you.

The "refrain" part is the repetition aspect, but that repetition is fulfilled going from verse to verse repeating the same line in the same location... Always ask yourself, what does additional repetition bring to this song? Is this line so special, so meaningful that it deserves additional repetition? Does the topic and my treatment benefit from such repetition? Some topics definitely can, such as anthemic songs, foot stomping songs etc. The benefits to a love song are a bit more doubtful...

The topic link of a love song isn't immediately obvious. I can see the roots of it, the admiration, the conflict, the emotional attachment....but love could be more.... Present lol

What are the common sayings per verse? Okay, I know that "What were you thinking?" Is a common phrase, but really the core of the challenge is to use different common phrases in each verse, to challenge yourself to find, adapt and use common phrases to help build your verses. Sure using a common phrase for the refrain is a great idea, but it challenges you less to find one and reuse it, than finding several. Additionally, you will learn less about effectively using common phrases (which is a challenge in itself to get a good balance).

There is a very, very good reason for learning about using common phrases, or variations on those phrases, to build songs.... It makes it far easier for listeners to learn the lyrics, it makes your hooks all the more effective... The very reason you no doubt placed your common phrase as the hook line.

Is there a reason that you chose 5 lines? If there is, fair enough, however, worth bearing in mind is that musically 2, 4, or 8 lines are far more common.. For good reason, much of it is based on couplets. The same is true for lyrics. That doesn't mean don't do 5, it just means, like everything else in songwriting, there are consequences of stepping away from it. When it comes to finding a melody, less writing partners are likely to have an existing melody that will fit without adaptation, meaning they have to adapt something else significantly or write something completely new.. No biggie, but it will reduce the pool.

You do strongly represent the hook... Which aids finding the title and remembering the title. However the fact that there are two slight variations can mildly muddy the waters. I say mildly because the difference to a listener is one of emphasis and phrasing, you do not add or remove words which is why it isn't more of an issue.

What is the core message you want to convey to the listener?

Your title / main hook is a question which is good in some ways, not good in others. It does put a question in the listener's mind which helps draw them through the song, and it doesn't blow the storyline (a poor title blows the whole plot, the same as many a B movie title tells you the end before it even starts).

The trouble is that a question doesn't make the best message. Statements make better messages. If a question is an important part of what you convey I often find a statement message done effectively can construct a question in the listener's mind that is stronger and more effective because the listener "found" it themselves. That is why there are far far far fewer successful songs (I mean that as success as a song, how effective it is, rather than commercial success) where the title is a question. Where it can be used more effectively is in songs with strongly competing hooks and the title uses both hooks, one in brackets. I can't think of an example with the question in the title off the top of my head, but an example of the dual title I mean would be, "Reach Out (I'll Be There)" by the Four Tops. You can more easily slip in a question in the bit within the brackets.

Just some points for consideration James.

Other than that, I did enjoy the read. Due to the lack real estate devoted to the story I did find it a little harder to connect with, and it didn't particularly take me anywhere for the same reason.

As ever, I offer these observations in the spirit of helping and to constructively help you to review your own decisions, idea selection and direction, not to criticise you, but to critique your work. I hope you find some of my observations worthwhile and that maybe they highlight something new to you, or in examining them that they prompt a line of thought you might otherwise have missed.

Cheers

John

[jamestoffee]

Hi John, 

 

Thank you for the critique!  

 

Here are some responses:

 

> it gives very little real estate for story development. AAA song form is an ideal song form for telling a story.
 

Good point

>try playing with variations... It costs nothing to try.

 

Exactly, will do

>Some topics definitely can, such as anthemic songs, foot stomping songs etc. The benefits to a love song are a bit more doubtful...
 

Good point.   I was going from the perspective of keep it simple and repetitive, but every choice is a give and take of what you get, so knowing when and where is key.....which is something we are always working of on

>....but love could be more.... Present lol
 

Agreed

>What are the common sayings per verse?

 

This is the weak link in meeting the challenge....and for me it really was a challenge to make a story line out of common sayings.....the attempts were as follows:

 

“Thinking is dangerous; I’ve warned you beforeâ€

 

Common phrase(s): I don’t pay you to think.... I saw it recently in the movie Winter’s Tale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter's_Tale_(film)

 

Here’s another reference to its use in stories

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IDontPayYouToThink

 

 

I am the brains; your skin is bronzed

 

A twist on brains and brawn

 

 

You’re just a singer

 

Change to …..

You’re just a low cut costume in a new hairdo

Not really a twist of a common phrase here

Dehumanizing the character to physical attributes rather than seeing them as a whole person.

 

 

You had your 15 minutes as the star of the show

You made it to the top now there’s nowhere to go

 

No twist, just putting two common phrases together to convey the sad ending of the story.

 

....but again, these don’t fulfill the intention.....chalk it up to another challenge or growth area 

 

 

>Sure using a common phrase for the refrain is a great idea, but it challenges you less to find one and reuse it, than finding several.

 

Agreed

 

>Is there a reason that you chose 5 lines?

 

Yes

Check out this clip from  10:15-13:00 where he speaks about line numbers and stable/unstable emotions

http://songwritingplanet.com/pat-pattison-on-songwriting-lyric-writing-songwriters-berklee/#.U-c5p-OSzrI

>What is the core message you want to convey to the listener?
 

.....the core message is....we are responsible for our own choices.

 

Choices are made in our lives either by ourselves or others.  In this case, the singee lets the singer dictate her choices because it gives her what she thinks she wants....fame and fortune....but the hint at the end is that her “career†was short-lived and while the manager’s choices helped in the short run, she was replaced, or used up/washed up when she couldn't fit the young sexy pop star image anymore.....

 

>The trouble is that a question doesn't make the best message. Statements make better messages.

 

I agree the majority of song titles are statements, but I do like question titles because of their indirect path to the listener.

 

By the singer being a jerk and mistreating the singee, the listener won’t want to directly

identify with either the singer or singee...

 

...but the listener can hear the story/conversation/thoughts and maybe think....what would I do....

 

...or think...

 

.....ah yes, the personification of the entertainment industry is to use up people and discard them.....ie pop stars, child actors etc.....

 

....then back to the moral.....we are all responsible for our own actions

 

>That is why there are far far far fewer successful songs (I mean that as success as a song, how effective it is, rather than commercial success) where the title is a question.

 

Agreed

 

>I can't think of an example with the question in the title off the top of my head,

 

Here is a list of some song titles as questions that have been hits

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080903091448AA77USN

>Due to the lack real estate devoted to the story I did find it a little harder to connect with, and it didn't particularly take me anywhere for the same reason.
 

Agreed. 

It’s clear to me there were not enough sensory details.   I did like the musical aspects and thought the musical side moved well for not having a chorus......but lyrically I can see the lack of transitions in time and limited line “property space†left the story underdeveloped for the listener.

 

A similar concept song I was thinking as the outline is “Lucky†by Britney Spears

 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/britneyspears/lucky.html

,,,but a different POV....that of the manager's

>not to criticise you, but to critique your work.

 

Yes, definitely taken in that spirit

 

>I hope you find some of my observations worthwhile

 

I did

 

> Just some points for consideration James.
 

Much appreciated, John

 

 

-James

Edited August 10, 2014 by jamestoffee

[Nazman]

What were you thinking

You left the door open

Didn't lock it last night

But don't get upset

Im no wanting to fight

They took the tv

Stole my laptop too

These things happen

I'm not blaming you

Oh !! But what were you thinking

Passed the door to climb the stair

Did you no glance back

See the key wasn't there

We do it !!! the same every night

I'm no getting on to you

Its done !! So lets put it right

I will call the insurance

About what happened last night

Maybe they can help

To ease the plight

So in future darling

Will you just let it be

Oh and at night

Leave the door locking to me

Oh !! What were you thinking

Passed the door to climb the stair

Did you no glance back

See the key wasn't there

We do it !!! the same every night

I'm no getting on to you

Its done !! So lets put it right

Oh !! What were you thinking

Passed the door to climb the stair

Did you no glance back

See the key wasn't there

We do it !!! the same every night

I'm no getting on to you

Its done !! So lets put it right

Nazman