Coming Back.
Entry posted by Desertrose
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I started a new belly dance course today called Unveil which focuses on “empowering the feminineâ€.
Not that I have any problem in the feminine department because it seems I am 100% living in the feminine realm – which in itself can be a problem. (Its always about balance)
I’ve been living, for so long now completely in the “heartâ€â€¦.too much emotion stuff going on.
Too much being still and “feeling†rather than actually getting off my arse and DOING.
There have been many years of slowly but surely shutting myself off from the world to the point where I’ve almost become agoraphobic again. Not good.
Ok, so I’ve never learned how to drive, but in the past that was never a real problem (except for other people – those that do drive, who can never understand it)
I used to meet so many different and interesting fellow travelers, mostly on trains and a journey would never fail to bring at least one interesting conversation.
Lives touching lives, and all that. I enjoyed that!
So why did I stop?
My world shrunk so small – when we moved to Perth.
New place, no friends, no family, except immediate family, and no desire to set down “roots†there because I knew it was just temporary. A three year sentence to be exact.( I hated every minute we were there!)
The black dog found me again (depression) and there I was, entirely suffocated down that familiar deep dark hole.
Then we moved back to NSW again…except to an entirely different location and suddenly there I was again, friendless and alone….except for family.
God, I have been SO lonely, and alone.
There I have said it.
Oh the shame, to actually admit having no real close TRUE friends. At least not ones you see on a regular basis – not like how it used to be years ago when somehow the idea of friendships was not even an issue. They were just always “thereâ€.
I seemed like a totally different person back then. Can’t even remember who she was?
Confident… Yeah, she was so much more of THAT back then.
Being alone- and lonely, robs you of your confidence.
Makes you question (even more!) who you are and WHY you are.
And then you start getting older…start noticing the wrinkles and the things that sag and bulge - start picking yourself to pieces bit by bit (even MORE than ever before)…the kids start getting more independent and don’t ‘need†you quite as much (hence more free time for “pickingâ€)and suddenly one day it’s like you’ve just plucked and picked yourself completely clean.
Disappeared.
That’s what I did.
*I* disappeared.
Today, while I was out – yes, I forced myself to catch a train- I focused on “breath and posture†(SO important in belly dance, and this weeks “homeworkâ€.)
I envisioned, as taught, a string pulling me up from my core – up through my chest, neck and head.
Opened up my diaphragm.
I stood tall (well, as tall as my 5.4 frame will hold me) smiled from within (reminds me of "Eat pray love" - "smile from your liver!"), held my head up and looked people square in the eye.
An amazing thing happened.
Total strangers began talking to me….everywhere!
In the supermarket whilst buying hair dye, at the bus stops, on the train station…on the train.
It was the weirdest thing.
And people kept LOOKING at me – to the point that I had to check myself in the mirror in the restroom , just to make sure that a bird hadn’t crapped on my head, or that I didn’t have a big black smudge of mascara down my cheek or something.
But no…everything was as it should be.
I spoke at length with a woman on the train. Even gave her my phone number (she saw me using my electronic cigarette and we struck up a conversation that lasted the entire trip)
Another woman from the new belly dance class asked me if I would like to go bushwalking with her -next week.
It was just strange.
A strange feeling suddenly no longer being invisible.
I think there’s something in the whole concept of "what you project into the universe is what you get back from it."
There must be.
I’m coming back. Slowly.
It will take some time I know.
I have to stick my feathers back on, one by one, just as carefully as I picked and plucked them all out.
And.....I WILL find the blue bird of happiness and kick the chicken of despair fair up the stuffing end!
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