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Review This Song "stellar"


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These are the lyrics to a song called Stellar. Please review.

I'm floating into the stratosphere,

I'm talking to the stars;

Asking them directions of where you are,

From the meteor that passes by ;

I'm guessing if you're near or far.

The earth revolves in circles,

Time goes the other way;

Everything's in slow motion,

Still you're light years away;

I'll search the solar system,

I'm thinking of what you'd say.

On my journey through other galaxy,

All other life forms are quiet like you;

They don't have the life span or capacity,

Of the light that shines from you.

(Sending my signal to you)

You are stellar (Hoping you can give me),

Stellar (I wish you can save me);

Stellar (I wish that you were here),

You are stellar (I've lost your communication),

Stellar (I wish the constellation),

Stellar (I wish that you were here).

I know she changed position,

I can tell it from the stars;

You received my transmission,

She can't be far;

In the course of our collision,

I hope we don't break apart.

I'm opening the portal,

I'm showing you the way;

Coz in this side of the universe, if you may,

Where all the constellations are asking;

If you'd like to stay.

You are stellar (Hoping you can give me),

You are stellar (I wish you save me),

Stellar (I wish that you were here),

You are stellar (I've lost your communication),

You are stellar (I wish the constellation),

You are stellar (I wish that you were here).

You are stellar, (In the stratosphere talking to the star),

You are stellar (Asking them where you are),

You are stellar (Meteor that passes by i'm guessing If you're near or far),

You are stellar (The earth revolves in circles, time goes the other way),

You are stellar (Everything's in slow motion still you're light years away),

You are stellar (I'll search the solar system, I'm thinking of what you'd say),

You are stellar

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After reading some of the verses they lead me to a brief sense of deep thought .  At some points it lured me to where I thought their meaning might be heading.  But following verses sidetracked the lure towards a connection.  Those luring verses, I thought were interesting enough to make other songs out of.  From my experience with my own creations, I found I had to redo them multiple times by extracting some lyrics out and replacing others which I think are closer to my points in order to give them the overall meaning that is intended.  I think the song has too many needless verses that don't quite emphasize enough about the ones that I think are the substantially meaningful ones that moved me towards where I thought the song was going.  But that is just my opinion.  There are plenty of songs out there that are a lot worse, and they make millions.

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When I first started writing songs and asking what people thought about them I realized that most people were too polite to be helpful, so I rarely got good feedback that could help me improve.

 

I want you to think about this: "What are your favorite songs, lyrically, and what do those songwriters do that you admire.?"

 

Here are some things that can make this song even better:

 1. The best songs are easy to sing because they flow like conversation

would you say "Asking them directions of where you are," or would it be more natural to say "asking for directions to find out where your are" or keep the line the same and replace "for" with "to"

 

2. Stick to a narrative- you're gonna hate me for this one; once we notice it, it's hard to ignore (and if you're like me, you hate rewriting good/finished songs):

 

"I know she changed position,

I can tell it from the stars;
You received my transmission,
She can't be far;
In the course of our collision,

You are talking directly to/with someone, but it confuses your listener when you suddenly mention "she."  are you talking to the subject of the song or about the subject?  Be careful not to flip flop

 

3. Even though we can break the rules of English, we still need to have complete thoughts

You have  a few sentence fragments in this song:

-Hoping you can give me

-I wish the constellation

-Coz in this side of the universe, if you may,

Where all the constellations are asking;
If you'd like to stay.

This last one doesn't make sense, I know you want to rhyme, but its ok if part of a rhyming section doesn't rhyme towards the end, the chords and resolution of the melody give it enough closure to make up for a lack of rhyme.

 

Keep up the writing!  You have clearly connected with people here, and that's a gift that the best songwriters possess.

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