[Love Song Challenge 3 - The Break Up]

 

 

Part of my past

Verse:
We're just strangers
Pretending to know each other
Even with all this anger and sadness in my eyes
You can't seem to understand
That I'm tired of this lies
Everything I love eventualy dies

Verse:
We're slowly dying
Like a candle burning out
We have made a home build on hopes and doubt
The hopes you took down
I can only stand here and shout
Hoping that you could find out

Chorus:
I'm the only one fighting
But I've never been a knight
Not a princess waiting for mister right
Just a girl in love
Hoping you would be her last
If you just sit their inside your silence
This all will be a part of my past

Bridge:
We're becomming ashes
Of the fire that used to burn
Too much water pouring down from my cheeks
If I drown or swim
If I lose or win
You just stand aside
Thinking about ways to hide
From the dissapointment in my eyes

 

Chorus:
I'm the only one fighting
But I've never been a knight
Not a princess waiting for mister right
Just a girl in love
Hoping you would be her last
If you just sit their inside your silence
This all will be a part of my past

 

Chorus:
I'm the only one fighting
But I've never been a knight
Not a princess waiting for mister right
Just a girl in love
Hoping you would be her last
But you just sit their inside your silence
And now you're a part of my past

[Like a fool]

Hi Lois,

 

Is this a lyric you posted to get some critique than you can better post it somewhere here: http://forums.songstuff.com/forum/13-lyrics-critique/
This one is for challenges and I don't think that's what you're going for.
 

[Lyrics Writing Challenge Wk4 2016]

I've really been strugling with this one.
Deceided to write about what I feel with all the terorism attacks lately in the news.
Not really happy with the end result but it was the best that came out at the time.

No one has the right too decide

 

No one has the right too decide
Who lives and who dies
Doing it in the name of your so called god
Doesn't make it right
We all have the right to breath
Until faith decides it's time to leave
Not you with a gun in hand
Innocence lost to make a stand
 

No one has the right too decide
Who's wrong and who's right
Aren't we all the same for what you call god
Does it make it right
To kill for what you believe
Leaving all the rest with the grieve
I guess I seem to forget
You don't even know what's regret
 

No one has the right too decide
We're black and we're white
We all believe in something or a god
I hope it will be allright
That one day we'll open our eyes
And love will conquer the hate and lies
That this war will end
That enemies will become friends

[Lyrics Writing Challenge Wk1 2016]

Hi James,

 

I enjoyed reading your lyric
Found it brilliant that you've changed the words of the chorus every time but it still fits perfectly into the melody.
Good good job!!

[Lyrics Writing Challenge Wk1 2016]

It's been a long while since I wrote a lyric so I might have forgotten some rules... anyway here it is.

 

Verse:
You must know by now
I cannot take your sorrows into my hand
I've got no place for you to land
So just keep on flying
Into the sky, following the sun
I cannot fly, I can only run

 

 

Verse:
You must know by now
I'm damaged and far beyond repair
That my best friend
Is this voice inside my head
Love is something
I always seem to destroy

 

Chorus:
Their is a storm raging inside
I've got no place inside my mind
Why can't you just see
I'm made of all these scars
I've been through too many wars

 

Verse:
You must know by now
In this heart lives no joy
It seems I'm addicted
With the fighting, lying, denying
Cause that's all I ever knew
The reason I always come crawling back to you

 

Chorus:
Their is a storm raging inside
I've got no place inside my mind
Why can't you just see
I'm made of all these scars
I've been through too many wars

 

Verse:
You must know by now
I'm damaged and far beyond repair
That my best friend
Is this voice inside my head
Love is something
I always seem to destroy

 

Bridge:
You must know by now
In this heart lives no joy
Before I destroy
You better start to run

 

Chorus:
Their is a storm raging inside
I've got no place inside my mind
Why can't you just see
I'm made of all these scars
I've been through too many wars

[# 31 For Old Times Sake]

Hi V

 

I like the song but it does not seem a song about pop/popular culture, more of a romance/love type of song.

 

I know English is not your 1^st language but the last line V1 does not read correctly and I know it was used to keep the rhyme but should read something like this. (If I have the meaning of the line correct)

 

Your love was never mine to begin with/your love was never mine from the start or similar.

 

The chorus tells of you travelling, but no mention why!

Were you searching for him?

Trying to get over him?

I thought it would be more interesting if you told why!

 

If you were searching where did you find him? Maybe look at using the places you mentioned?

 

I don’t know what the meaning of “Making love on Whitesnake†refers to? I have heard of the band unless you meant to “Whitesnake�

 

If he ran away why would he want to “come on over†?

 

I am not sure the use of the title mid chorus works to well?  I wish I could give a technical reason why but it sort of doesn’t need to be there for me! I know it goes with the rhyme scheme ABCBDEFEE but I think it could be worded different to say the same thing and drop that line.

Just my opinion of course! And what do I know lol!

 

Overall you have expressed the song as a love/romance song quite well but in my opinion it does not portray pop/popular culture as far as I can tell.

 

Well V if anything I have said makes sense then I hope it helps, I need to do more critiques as I am not very sure of how to express my thoughts on songs, hence usually I only offer suggestions as to what I read.

 

This has taken me ages to write and rewrite and rewrite LOL!

 

Good Luck V

 

Les

Hi Les,

Thanks for the read and the comment

I guess I have miss understood the challenge (again)...

You have some good suggestions. I think I just need to startover again and make a whole new lyric with the advices of you and louie.

Make it more a lyric about pop culture

Verry big thanks for your time and the advices!

Now I can rewrite

[# 31 For Old Times Sake]

That's good.  I said this before in other critiques, lyrics may not need too much altercation based on the tune, and my tune to every lyric I read may not do justice to what you have merged together.  

1.  But.  I would repeat  Give me love once.  And.  Also, after so he sang, either I wouldn't put anything until the next set of verses, or I would change Your love was never mine to began - to make sense.

2.  Instead of the word In, I'd use the word We're.  And.  Instead of the word As, I'd use Because.

3.  Instead of I've, I would use as well as everywhere.  Or.  Though....nowheres....there   Those changes I would make separate from the Chorus.

4.  Chorus.  I'd replace Why don't you come over with, I can't get over the love we'd make......listening to.,,,, .  And.  Now is this time worth, worth old time sake, instead of Just old time sake.

5.  Bridge.  After....within a dream - did our past make.  Instead of Only you could make.  I'd put.  My body trembled, my body screamed never in it for love in it for lust, my yearning heart and careless trust.  Only you - now a must. 

5.  Chorus.

Thanks for the read and the comment!

Been bussy so finally some time again to check the forum here

You gave me a lot of options to think about.

You're better with words than me Going to take your advice with me as I rewrite this!

Verry big thansk for the time you put into it!

[# 31 For Old Times Sake]

Verse:

I still can recall the song

That I kept playing on and on

Give me love, so he sang

Your love was never mine to began

 

Verse:

You and me were two sparks

Together a fire that left marks

In ashes now, alone again

As you took the runaway train

 

Chorus:

From Londen to New York

I've been everywhere

It never felt like home

Without you there

So why don't you come over

For old times sake

Getting drunk with Jack

Making love on Whitesnake

Just for old times sake

 

Bridge:

Like a dream within a dream

Only you 

Could make my body tremble and scream

Never in for the love only the lust

But only in you

I could put my heart and trust

 

Chorus:

From Londen to New York

I've been everywhere

It never felt like home

Without you there

So why don't you come over

For old times sake

Getting drunk with Jack

Making love on Whitesnake

Just for old times sake

[#30 Season By Season By Vagdavercustis]

Hi Vagda,

 

Both lyrics work well....nice balance of images and description to capture the emotions associated with the seasons.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

Hi James,

Thanks for the read and the comment!

I'm glad you liked it

[#30 Season By Season By Vagdavercustis]

Only got 2 of the 4 ready for now.
Hopefully the other 2 will be finished in time.

 

Frozen fears
 

Verse:

Snow covered heart

It's too early

Allready getting dark

So I seek my shelter

In empty words, hollow eyes

 

Verse:

I miss the sun

It's too late

Winter allready began

My heart shatters

Like the ice under me feet

 

Chorus:

As I sit here by the fire

It dries up my tears

Keeping me warm tonight

But it can't melt away

My frozen fears
My frozen fears

 

Bridge:

Counting footprints in the snow

Hoping they will lead me back home

To a place I can belong

Where I don't need to fear my heart

'Cause it's still loveable and strong

 

Chorus:

As I sit here by the fire

It dries up my tears

Keeping me warm tonight

But it can't melt away

My frozen fears
My frozen fears

 

 

 

First rays of spring

 

Verse:

Birds begin to sing

As flowers start to blossom

Your kiss awakens me

From my deep winter slumber

 

Verse:

My heart is melting

To sunshine in your eyes

I start to forget

My frozen fears by the fire

 

Chorus:

We danced in the first rays of spring

You took my hand, began to sing

The sweetest sound caressed my ears

Your fingers whiped away my final tears

 

Verse:

A new beginning

As winter is fading away

I found my place

Beside you I will remain

 

 

Chorus:

We danced in the first rays of spring

You took my hand, began to sing

The sweetest sound caressed my ears

Your fingers whiped away my final tears

 

 

 

[Challenge #30 Season By Season]

There is nothing wrong of you V! writing songs is a free spirit! just write what comes from you.

 

I have only managed to write 1 song and I am not ready to post that as I don't think it is ready yet!!

 

You write great stuff and never think otherwise!

 

Les

I was just a little bit confused cause in the challenge description John mentioned a rough limitation on emotion.

I've got 2 lyrics right now. Got stuck on the other 2.

[Challenge #30 Season By Season]

So prevalent mood... I'm just writing about feelings and memories and situations inside that particular season.
But I guess that's wrong of me?
It sure is a challenge this one!

[#28 Club 27]

Hi James & Goldy,

 

Thanks for the read and the comments
It is about Kurt Cobain. I had to use wikipeda and google as my inspiration
Maybe I need to make it clearer that it is about Kurt Cobain? As I said, I found this thougher than I expected!

And yes I'm back again Been following the challenges and entries but there was to much going on in my life to be focused on the challenges.

[Challenge 27 Nothing Can Harm Us They Cry]

That video is just bizar! There are strange people living on this planet
I love the the way your lyric flows... While reading it I could picture it all in my mind.
You have a good way with words

Keep up the good work!

[#28 Bell Jar]

I don't know the person so I used google on her
But without knowing who you're writing about I still can feel the emotions trough it.
I like the both versions you wrote. The first version better cause I don't seem to understand everything in the 2nd version. But that's just me... 

Keep up the good work!

[#28 Club 27]

This challenge turned out to be thougher than I expected.
 

 

Verse:

I took champagne and 50 pills

But dead won't take me in his arms so easily

I guess he likes to play games

He decides who succeed and who fails

 

Verse:

If they would ask I will deny

It wasn't suicide I'm just bored of this life

So I took another shot of joy

I'm not a star but a lost boy

 

Chorus:

Welcome to club 27

Where you live hard and die young

All about music, drugs, alcohol

When the time was there

I knew what had to be done

Sealed my destiny with a gun

 

Verse:

The breath of madness in my neck

Pullling the trigger without a single blink

Without any single regret

I blew a hole trough my head

 

Chorus:

Welcome to club 27

Where you live hard and die young

All about music, drugs, alcohol

When the time was there

I knew what had to be done

Sealed my destiny with a gun

 

Chorus:

Welcome to club 27

Where you live hard and die young

All about music, drugs, alcohol

When the time was there

I knew what had to be done

Sealed my destiny with a gun

[Challenge #28 The Bigger They Are....]

Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to select someone, or something, that seemed unassailable, a household name, at their peak, and describe the cataclysmic turn of events that brought them low.

 

I really don't understand this... can someone help me out?

[Challenge #25 - There Goes The Neighbourhood]

Satan's Got the Show

 

 

Verse:

 

Hollow eyes shoot anger

Haunted by glaring light

Orange, blazing fingers

Torch the black night

 

Verse:

 

Demons of Pyromania

Scramble far and near

Hearing crackling sounds

It's music to their ears

 

Chorus

 

Satan's got the show

See the flames grow

Can't put the fire out

No, no, no

 

Satan's got the show

See the flames glow

Can't put the fire out

No, no, no

 

Bridge:

 

"You can go straight to Hell"

A rioter screams out loud 

He signs the Devil's horns

Wildly mocking the crowd

 

Chorus:

 

Satan's got the show

See the flames grow

Can't put the fire out

No, no, no

 

Satan's got the show

See the flames glow

Can't put the fire out

No, no, no

 

 

Ending Outro

 

Can't put the fire out

Satan's got the show

First of all I love your tittle!! Verry original

I like the 1st verse. Not sure about 'hollow eyes'.

Hollow eyes don't show emotions in my opinion. 

Maybe 'black eyes' or 'furious eyes' just a suggestion.

Like the 2nd verse as it is.

The first line is a verry good idea

Actually I like the rest of the lyric. You have a good chorus. The last line really makes it strong in my opinion. I really hear someone screaming 'no,no,no'.

You really did an excelent job on describing what's going on in the picture

Another lovely lyric of your hand as always!!

[Challenge #25 - There Goes The Neighbourhood]

Now, that I read it again, I would say what's going on and how it inspires you, both of them. So that's why I picked your first lyric over the second one, because I couldn't relate the second one to whats going on. It still is an awesome lyric.I just couldn't relate heavy metal and head banging music to the image.To me it looked like someone who is a criminal, involved in starting a fire and a riot. People sign the horns at sports events, politics, etc. So it isn't exclusively used for heavy metal music...Vagda, it's only my opinion, I'm sharing with you. Someone else will see it entirely different. They are BOTH still creative and inspired lyrics!

 

Goldy    

I know it isn't exlusively metal... but it's the first thing I think of when I see it 'cause I'm what they call a metalhead  

 

[Challenge #25 - There Goes The Neighbourhood]

Thanks for the read and your comments Goldy!

I think I maybe misunderstood the challenge.

I thought we had to write a lyric inspired by the image instead of writing what was going on in the picture.

When I looked at the picture these 2 ideas for my lyrics came in mind. The fire and the 'metalhorns' captured my eyes.

I will go deeper on your comments tomorrow. Don't have much time right now.

I will also comment on your lyric than. But at first sight it's a good and strong one ;-)

[Challenge #25 - There Goes The Neighbourhood]

The fire that burns within

 

Verse:

Inside this chaos I try to breath

They all have their opinion

Like they know where my road will lead

Why does nobody seem to listen

 

Verse:

As I write my voice down on paper

Will it all be loud enough

Make them look up, see me as a creator

A star beginning to rise above

 

Chorus:

I will follow my own path

Set this world on fire

As I step into the light

You can call me a liar

But this is my dream

It's the flame that burns within

 

Verse:

This isn't the end, just the beginning

I raise my hands to the sky

I swear I won't stop until I'm winning

Cause you all know that I

 

Chorus:

I will follow my own path

Set this world on fire

As I step into the light

You can call me a liar

But this is my dream

It's the flame that burns within

 

 

And I wrote another one:

Metal heart

Verse:

I see their eyes following me

Like I'm an evil witch

Ready to be burned down at the stake

Or to be throwed of the bridge

 

Verse:

They're labbeling me a sinner

For being who I am

Wearing band shirts and headbanging

It's a part of being a metal fan

 

Chorus:

You can never break me down

A metal heart beats strong

As I stretch my arms to the sky

Putting the horns up high

Showing you I'm proud to be

A member of this big family

 

Verse:

So we love loud and heavy music

Kicking inside the moshpit

Does it make us criminals

Wouldn't you dance on a good beat

 

Chorus:

You can never break me down

A metal heart beats strong

As I stretch my arms to the sky

Putting the horns up high

Showing you I'm proud to be

A member of this big family

[Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration]

Hi Vagda,

 

A sad tale to be sure. A couple of points:

 

1. The last line of the second verse is very different to the other last lines of the verses. It has more syllables, AND has a two syllable word, where all the others only use one syllable. I'd try to come up with something to express the same emotion without so many words. eg Can't get you out of my head.

 

2. I don't think you need to spell out how the end came, if you leave it general, your audience can use their own experience, and that will create a greater engagement... Uncle Bob was hit by a bus, Aunt Mabel fell off a horse, Grandpa had a heart attack... whatever is personal for them is available if you don't spell out the car accident.

 

Touching piece, as usual.

 

Cheers,

K 

Hi Kel,

 

Thanks for the feedback, verry much apreciated!

I changed the last line of the second verse to: Thoughts wear heavy in my head.

Is that a better line?

And you're right about the bridge. It's better if people can fill it in with their own experiences.

 

[Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration]

 

Here goes...

 

Catch of the Day!

 

I went to the river with my fishing pole,

Baited the line, cast into the hole.

To my suprise what happened next

Was the biggest damn prize I've had in my net!

Tony the Trout took the bait real fine,

Swivelled and swerved and sweated the line,

He zigged and he zagged and zigged again,

But I rocked and I rolled and I reeled him in!

 

I told my buddy 'bout my angling score,

Didn't believe what I put in store.

So he wanted evidence and I can't blame,

If he told me the story I'd be wanting the same!

Headed home with a half baked plan

Of providing proof of my pelagic ham

I looked and I loaded and I laid it thick

And I did the deed and I dared a trick.

 

Everyone knows that a fisherman's truth

Ain't exactly the same as a chicken's tooth!

 

I called my partner said to come round quick

I had all I needed that would do the trick

Out the back there was a table laid

And on a silver platter was the catch of the day!

Mango curry and mild mint sauce

And some great green grapes, peeled of course.

He balked then he buttered a corn bran bun

And he fed on the fish from the market run. 

 

This one really made me laugh

Where did you get the inspiration for this?

I really want to see in your head sometimes... Would be a funny experience I think.

As always a good write of you

[Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration]

Well this challenge turned out a real challenge!

 

Not to keen on my offering but I am done, no chorus as I thought I would have but may try to finish one and add it.

 

All you guys who have posted songs, they are really good well done and that is meant as a real compliment as I know how difficult this has been! for me anyway.

 

Hairy Hound

 

I had a hairy hound called Willy                            

I loved that big ole dog so much

He was super soft, soppy n silly                             

And I like to feel his furry touch

 

One day Willy went weird n wild                           

I had to keep him locked indoors

He bit Billy Bob next doors child                            

 I couldn’t let him out no more

 

Despite all my doubts I had decided                     

Ole Willy boy was getting worse

To keep him kenneled up killed me                                  

I knew he had some doggy curse

 

I considered a careful course of action                  

As I didn’t want to let him down                

To try and find a fix for my friend                         

I took him to the vets in town

 

I pulled up and paid for parking                                                   

Right outside the clinic front door 

Willy got agitated, anxious and worried                

As he had seen this place before

 

The vet verified a viral infection                            

Nothing that he could not treat

Over joyed over charged over excited                   

I went and danced in the street

 

B

Now Willy’s fine and he’s back to health

And he runs around the yard all day

I'm glad I didn’t lose the best friend I have

I'm glad that he’s here to stay

I love the ending. I always love happy endings

You did a really great job on the challenge. It doesn't bother me that their isn't a chorus.

So don't worry about that!

[Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration]

Here is my effort

 

 

Live in the Moment

 

Verse:

I'm whirling in the wind with life

Embracing every exciting day

Blowing away clouds of sorrow

Lady love is leading the way

Verse:

Tame thoughts teach me peace

When panic pushes problems near

I'm treading on my faith  

Holding my head above fear

 

Chorus:  

I'm making my life count

Before my last breath 

I live in the moment

I live in the moment

Before I'm laid to rest

Tomorrow is unpredictable

Like a red rose fading away

I live in the moment

I live in the moment

I'm living for today

 

Verse:

 

My sunny smile shines in the world

On all the people who pass me by

I hold the hurting hand of someone

Wiping tears away from their eyes

 

Bridge:

 

When I look back at time

I wont be sad or even sigh

I'll remember all those years

I made a difference before I die

 

Chorus:  

I'm making my life count

Before my last breath 

I live in the moment

I live in the moment

Before I'm laid to rest

Tomorrow is unpredictable

Like a red rose fading away

I live in the moment

I live in the moment

I'm living for today

 

 

Goldy          

Good job done on the challenge

Such a positive song!! After reading it I feel so much power and energy going trough me.