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Vagdavercustis

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Posts posted by Vagdavercustis

    Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    Vagda, this is sad, but lovely and, very well written with a lot of emotional projection. Your song gave  a picture of someone tormented with grief who lost a lover in a car crash. This is one of your best! One nit I had was the two last lines in the bridge in blue above marked in the lyrics.

     

    Still a moving and beautiful song!

     

    Goldy :luxhello:  :heartpump:  :heartpump:  :jumping13:  :jumping13:  :luxhello:  

    Hi Goldy,

     

    Thanks for the compliment!!! :)

    And your suggestion for the bridge is a keeper for me.

     

    Challenge #23 Liberal Literate Lyrical Alliteration

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    After reading what Kel had I got inspiration some way.
    So here it is. Don't have alliterations in my bridge, is that a problem?

    Forgive me
     

    Verse:

    Lost, like leaves that linger through the street

    Wandering on the waves of the wind

    The air still smells so sweet

    It must be all in my mind

     

    Verse:

    Dreams of dead darken my days, night after night

    All alone I awake again in bed

    Can't turn this wrong to right

    These thoughts wear so heavy in my head

     

     

    Chorus:

    Forgive me for wanting

    One last kiss

    Forgive me for seeking

    A way to have what I miss

    Forgive me, forgive me

    I can't let go of this

     

    Verse:

    Running, round and round, retracing our steps

    But your figure fades so fast

    Maybe it is time to accept

    I must leave you in the past

     

    Chorus:

    Forgive me for wanting

    One last kiss

    Forgive me for seeking

    A way to have what I miss

    Forgive me, forgive me

    I can't let go of this

     

     

    Bridge:

    The car came, crashed so fast

    Were you in pain

    Did you cry before you passed

    I remember the last thing I said

    'I love you forever, forever and beyond dead'

     

     

    Chorus:

    Forgive me for wanting

    One last kiss

    Forgive me for seeking

    A way to have what I miss

    Forgive me, forgive me

    I must let go of this

    #20 - My Personal Demon (Vagda)

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    Thanks for the comment Rudi!

     

    Some poeple said that I maybe needed to chance my chorus but I didn't.
    It just feels right for me, so it stays there! :P

    I think it still needs a final rewrite. 
    The first verse is still not what I want it to be... but I just can't get it out right now.

    #20 My Song -Tba (A La Coldplay)

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    It's a good write!
    It tells a story and I've enjoyed it :)
    I just don't get the chorus... If I read that it makes me think of a fortune teller.
    It leaves me confused. But that's just me maybe. 
    Is their a deeper meaning behind this that I can't see?
     

    Title: Gypsy Woman

     

    Listen to the mp3 here http://soundclick.co...cfm?id=12574213

     

    Gypsy woman tells me  
    Find food feed the family 
    So I bring a melon back 
    From Farmer Johnson’s patch 

     

    Farmer Johnson sees me 
    Steal that watermelon  
    But he only sees my back
    I run too fast to catch

     

    Chorus
    Gypsy woman I know you can read the signs
    You can read the signs
    Gypsy woman

     

    Farmer Johnson’s clever 
    Posts a warning sign
    Gypsy woman reads it
    Shakes her head and sighs

     

    Looters, thieves, and felons  
    See the warning sign 
    One of these watermelons 
    Is laced with cyanide  

     

    chorus

     

    Gypsy woman tells me 
    One sign just won’t do 
    Post this by the old one 
    "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

     

    chorus

     

    #20 - My Personal Demon (Vagda)

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    Here is my first rewrite.
    Still thinking about chancing my chorus or not.
     
    Verse 1:
    What a first impression
    Your smiling blue eyes
    Allready felt a connection
    It caught be my surprise
    How could I've ever know
    That talking to you
    Would turn into one big mess
     
    Verse 2:
    From that day it all went so fast
    Everyday we were together
    Knowing this would last
    But your eyes turned dark
    Voices started screaming
    Your hands left their mark
    My tears kept streaming
     
    Chorus:
    My personal demon
    Behind a golden mask
    Should have seen the signs
    Run when I had the chance
    My heart was deceived
    I made an angel out of you
    I truely believed
    We had something true
     
     
    Verse 3:
    Midnight kisses, morning fights
    Hiding all the bruises
    Couldn't count the lies
    Make up, break up
    It was all part of your game
    Hoping I could wake up
    But everything stayed the same
     
     
    Chorus:
    My personal demon
    Behind a golden mask
    Should have seen the signs
    Run when I had the chance
    My heart was deceived
    I made an angel out of you
    I truely believed
    We had something true
     
    Bridge:
    Should have seen it comming
    The knife behind your back
    Should have started running
    My vision turned to black

    #20 - Honest Man (Kel)

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted · Edited by Vagdavercustis

    Hi Kell,

     

    Nice writing you got here :) 
    Some thoughts about it...

    Honest Man Second Draft

     

    Here on this mountain

    I can taste the sweet air,

    But your gift of freedom 

    It means nothing to me, 

    Without you here,

    To share it with.

    You set me free, but

    It's no way to live...

    I would leave out the 3th line.
    You mention this freedom 2 times and I think one time is enough.
     

     

    [Chorus]

    I got a tank full of gas

    And time on my hands

    A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

    Than ride all night just to hold you tight

    And Baby I got plans

    We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

    I'll slip that ring on your finger

    And make an honest man, of me

    Love the chorus! No need to change it in my opinion

     

    Darlin' I said I

    Couldn't walk down the aisle

    But if being free

    Means that I have to live,

    without your smile,

    I'd rather stay.

    You set me free, but

    Now I'm on my way...

    This needs some rewrite.
    I get your point but it's a little bit confusing here.
    Why didn't he walked down the aisle?
    Or maybe:
    Darlin' I said I
    Couldn't walk down the aisle
    But if this means
    I have to live
    Without your smile
    I'd rather stay
    Instead of being free, so,
    Now I'm on my way
     

     

    [Chorus]

    I got a tank full of gas

    And time on my hands

    A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

    Than ride all night just to hold you tight

    And Baby I got plans

    We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

    I'll slip that ring on your finger

    And make an honest man, of me

     

    　

    Repeat Chorus

    #20 - My Personal Demon (Vagda)

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    Verse 1:

    Jumped on a train

    Destination unknown

    I think it was the rain

    That made my make-up flow

    Down of my face

    Stains on my dress

     

     

    Verse 2:

    What a first impress

    With your headphones on

    Cellphone in hand

    How could I know

    That talking to you

    Would bring such a big mess

     

     

    Chorus:

    My personal demon

    Behind a golden mask

    Should have seen the signs

    Run when I had the chance

    My heart deceived

    Made an angel out of you

    I truelly believed

    We had something true

     

     

    Verse 3:

    Midnight kisses, morning fights

    Hiding up the bruises

    Couldn't count the lies

    Make up, brake up

    It was all part of the game

    Hoping I could wake up

    But everything stayed the same

     

     

    Chorus:

    My personal demon

    Behind a golden mask

    Should have seen the signs

    Run when I had the chance

    My heart deceived

    Made an angel out of you

    I truelly believed

    We had something true

     

     

     

    Bridge:

    What's a heart worth

    Loved but empty

    Illusions made for the dreamers

     

    Challenge #20 Your Favourite Artist

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted · Edited by Vagdavercustis

    Don't know if I have to put it here or as another topic.
     

    Name of artist: Ed Sheeran
     
    Style / genres the artist plays: Acoustic guitar with rock/pop/rap influences.
    He only uses a guitar and a loop pedal.
    He's a singer song writer. So lyrics and music is all of his own hand.
     
    Links to some of their music online:
     
    A paragraph description of their typical song topics
    Most lyrics are about love, relationships and his own personal life.
    He also has a song about a baby that has born to early and died and a prostitute.
     
    A paragraph description of the typical language used (do they use slang? if so, can you describe it?)
    Just typical English.
     
    A paragraph on typical song forms they use. Cite their big hits that use these song forms.
     
    Verse/verse/chorus
    'Drunk'
    'Give me love'
    'Wake me up'
     
    Verse/pre-chorus/chorus
    'The city'
    'UNI'
     
    Verse/chorus:
    'The A-team'
     
    He uses a lot of different song forms. Keeps it variated and intresting :)
     
    Include any other analysis information you consider helps you with understanding the needs of your chosen artist.
    He just plays and writes what he likes. All his lyrics are personal to him.
    You can feel the emotion when he sings and plays. 
     
    He did some songs as a featured artist with some artist.
    Some of my favorites.
     
    'Everything has changed' with Taylor Swift (2012)
    'Family' with P Money (2011)
    'Drown me out' with Ghetts (2011)
     
     
    Details of their publisher, manager and label with contact details for each:
     
    Stuart Camp manages the career of Rocket artist Ed Sheeran. 
    He joined Rocket from Atlantic Records, having been the Marketing Manager responsible for the campaigns around James Blunt's first and second albums. 
     
    Rocket Music Management
    1 Blythe Road
    London
    W14 0HG
    UK
    +44 (0)20 7348 4800
     
     
    Atlantic Records
    1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York City, New York
     
     
     
    Details of thei last 3 song releases, last album release, highest chart position in the main chart they would have competed in, and their last tour. Feel free to include any financial info you find.
    Last 3 singles:
     
    'Small Bump' 2012 
    UK charts: Place 25
     
    ARIA: Platinum
    RIANZ: Gold
     
    'Give me love' 2012
    UK charts: Place 18
     
    ARIA: 3× Platinum
    MC: Platinum
    RIANZ: Platinum
     
    'I see fire' 2013 (official soundtrack for the upcomming Hobbit movie)
    UK charts: Place 13 
     
    Has only been out for a week.
     
    Album:
     
    '+'
    Released: 9 september 2011.
    UK charts: First place
     
    BPI: 6× Platinum
    ARIA: 4× Platinum
    IRMA: 6× Platinum
    MC: Platinum
    RIAA: Gold
    RIANZ: 3× Platinum
     
    Headlining tour:
    '+ tour' 2011-2013
     
    Has been opening acts for the Snow Patrols Fallen Empires tour (North American dates) 2012
    Taylor Swift's Red Tour (North American dates) 2013
    • Like 1

    Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

    Made some changes with the critiques of Donna & Kell.
    Hope it's okay now :)

     

    Don't ask for forever
     

    Verse:
    I've spent a lifetime looking at you
    Deep inside the corners of my mind
    Embracing illusions I wish were true
    Emotions I can't leave behind
     
    Verse:
    You can break me into little pieces
    Setting free my pain and fears
    For you I've made a thousand wishes
    Still I've been waiting here for years
     
    Chorus:
    I don't ask for forever
    It wouldn't last long enough for me
    If I can only have today
    I would spend it all with you
    In your loving arm I'd lay
    And wish forever you would stay
     
    Verse:
    Send you letters from my heart
    Unspoken words I can't dismiss
    You are my biggest part, I fall apart
    I only need one simple kiss
     
    Chorus:
    I don't ask for forever
    It wouldn't last long enough for me
    If I can only have today
    I would spend it all with you
    In your loving arm I'd lay
    And wish forever you would stay

    Challenge #19 Open Lyrics - Take Two

    in Writing Challenges

    Posted

     

    Vagda girl,

     

    This is a touching lyric. It might miss the mark where the challenge is concerned but I dont care, the sentiment is beautiful.

     

    The last verse (I corrected a typo there) is the one that got me I think.

     

    I suppose it could be about a family member about to pass, but it seems romantic to me. :crying:

     

    Thanks for the verry nice comment :)

    It's actually about someone who's in love but is to scared to say it.

    And she has that feeling for so many years.

     

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