JH Michaels
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Posts posted by JH Michaels
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On 6/28/2016 at 5:08 PM, HoboSage said:
Well, I didn't write this for this "challenge," but it was a challenge for me to write (I'm not a love song kind of guy), and I've never really had the lyric critiqued . . . and I wanna play!
Because You Are
Copyright © 2016 by HoboSage. All Rights Reserved.VERSE
there's no one else like you
you're unique
a one-of-a-kind mind
a soul so deep
special
wonderful
amazingCHORUS
believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved
because you areVERSE
you're free now
in the clear now
you're with me now
come here now
I'll hold you for awhile
please, do a little something for me
smile
believeCHORUSV2
believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved
because you areBRIDGE
you are all I need
all I want is you to believe . . .FINAL CHORUS
believe that you're extraordinary
you shine like a star
feel like you're adored and really loved
because you arebecause you are
After hearing some of your work (the not-so-love songs), I see where this fits with your style. The only nits I have in the lyrics are all the "now's" in V2 and V1 and V2 feel so different in construction and meter as I read them. Not having heard the actual song, I can't readily see how they work together. To me, imho, it feels more natural to drop the now in the first four lines of v2. I like the chorus and bridge, they work very well for me........ Ok so I googled it......and listened to how it's put together and I still feel the same about the lyrics....I do like how v2 transitions to the chorus there and think that would have worked really well for v1 as well. just my 2 cents. it's still a very good song.
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On 6/30/2016 at 8:32 PM, Timbre said:
JH,
If you've already sung it to your wife, I think that's an automatic win! Well done, you!!
But since you've submitted if for critique, I had a few observations. The title/hook is good. I was wanting more in the verses to reinforce the idea that no matter how far away you go, home will draw you back because that's where the love is. V1 is very strong but if the 2nd half could pivot toward home more directly that would set you up nicely for the chorus. See idea below for doing that in last line of v1 and with a stronger rhyme.
At last the time finally came
And my tour was done
I would never be the same
But
the hurt eases with your lovenothing heals like homeI like the repetition of the hook in lines 2 and 4 of the chorus. The final line could be more emotional by changing it from "right there at home" to something like "It'll always bring me home."
In v2, same goes for the final line to give it a better set up for the chorus. One possibility:
And feel the love
I’ve always knownof homeHaving shared my 2 cents, I'm sure your wife loved the original version
~T
thanks for the read Timbre.....you are right she gets the original version whenever she's there to listen. And I do have her gracious permission to change some things if necessary for general consumption. I see what you are getting at with focusing on home and how powerful that really is ....I'll try it that way and see how it feels. It's always nice to get another perspective with songs because others see or hear things one becomes deaf to hearing or glosses over as the lyrics are read for the thousandth time.
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Ugh! Taskmaster! How can I create under this kind of pressure! I am an artiste!
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Ok, here we go....I feel like I'm stepping into the heavy weight ring with David and timbre...lol. Here's my deep deep love song....It's one I wrote a while ago for my wife trying to let her know what she's meant to me over the years. Thanks for reading and any comments.
That’s Where The Love Is
Copyright 2016 JH Michaels
Verse:
I was called away
To some strange foreign land
For endless nights and fearful days
God, I needed to hold your hand
At last the time finally came
And my tour was done
I would never be the same
But the hurt eases with your love
Chorus:
That’s where the love is
No matter where I go
That’s where the love is
Right there at home
Verse:
Even now I have to fly
To some town I don’t even know
I’m not out with the other guys
I’m in my room all alone
The first thing I need to do
Is to call you on the phone
Hearing your voice, I see you
And feel the love I’ve always known
Chorus:
That’s where the love is
No matter where I go
That’s where the love is
Right there at home
Bridge:
Even after so many miles
I keep holding your smiles
And it pulls me through
Just thinking of you
There at home
With a heart so warm
Chorus x 2:
That’s where the love is
No matter where I go
That’s where the love is
Right there at home
End
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On 6/25/2016 at 11:25 AM, EsquireDog said:
How about a version that takes a look at the far end of young, shiny, happy first hook-ups - - the more desperate, lonely vision of older folks still looking for...something.
The Deja Blues
GarryShe sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.
Between "Come hither"
And "Go to hell"
So hard to choose
So hard to tell.A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos
He once had a home
He once had a wife
That was so long ago
That was some other life.It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.He bought her beer
He bought her wine
She fed him conversations.
Not quite sure
If her aim was low
Or just her inhibitions.[instr'l interlude]
He woke up mad
Wondering why
His life felt so damn wrong
She woke up sad,
That self-same morn
A nod, then he was gone.It's not the aches and pains of age
Not the payin' of a hard life's dues
It's the memories that make you cry
Make you sing the deja blues.A high plains drifter
With the look of bad news
A rugged face
And some mean tattoos.
She sat at the bar
In a bit of a fog
Checking out men
Most of 'em dogs.Esquire,
Interesting take on the pick-up....In my head I'm hearing a gritty blues tune....but there ain't no lovin' here in a love song challenge.
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Hi AJ
I think it could be a good tune but for me it's a tad to wordy. I have to agree with Les that some editing would help. Try to make your lines more dynamic. when you start a line with something soft like "cause" ( I'm guilty of that too) , "but", or something wordy like "you must know my heart ....." it seems to detract from the message. Say what you feel....like "My heart belongs to you." it's simple, much more powerful, and gets the point across without much mucking about in excess verbiage. Maybe think of it this way...you are trying to tell someone what is inside you and not what they may or may not know. Just some thoughts.
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Hi Les, I finally read through your new version and I like where you are going with it. I particularly like the bridge....right on! I feel like I need a sense of history in the lyrics, like how you met...what circumstance led you to get together? Was it a moment when you locked eyes that was only a second but stretched to eternity.....or a moment when you had courage and stepped in to help when no one else cared or was hostile. Or simply she was the neighbor girl that you weren't supposed to know because she was "one of them" It's obvious in the lyrics that there are some strong emotions there....but for me, I want a story Uncle Les! lol. And I think it would give the song more direction.
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Hi Timbre,
Firstly, I like verses one and two and I think are both nice sentiments and project, to my mind, happiness and well-being at being with the right person.
The third verse.....eek! My first thought was that both were jumping off a bridge in a mutual suicide. I really didn't feel the falling in love aspect there and the rhyme scheme went awry, but I think I know where you were trying to go with it, so maybe try something that professes love, committment, protection, etc.
For the chorus, maybe the waves should caress rather than crash.....it seems to me more gentle and caring (unless you are like Joan Jett...then the waves definitely crash). maybe scratch the word 'over' after just breathing you.
The bridge confuses me....I'm not sure what you are trying to say.
I'm thinking that 'Breathing You (Again, and Again)' would make a good hook and title. it's in the chorus, so you hear it more than once, and maybe you could reinforce it in a verse. All the Way Down is mentioned just once and it's in verse three...
Just some free thoughts....worth what you paid for them......I think the song has some very good potential and would love to see what you do with it.
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Hey Les,
I read through your lyrics again and had a thought. The line "You know I love you" might work better as "I will always love you" or "I'm in love with you". The reason why I think this is because the whole purpose of the song is to let your person know that you love them, and I presume you are telling them this because you aren't sure in yourself they do know. I guess the imagery to me plays out so much differently....saying "You know I love you." and patting her on the cheek as opposed to gently cupping her face in your hands and looking deeply into her eyes and saying "I will always love you." or "I am so in love with you". Just a couple of thoughts from a total cornball. lol
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7 hours ago, Skin said:
Hi JH
This is quirky for sure but enjoyed the read and wonder what it sounds like to you?
Hard to offer much advice being the quirkiness but I think like mine there is not many emotions expressed?
I see "happy" and " pure delight" as emotions which is more than mine lol!
Its all a learning curve so hopefully we can tweak our lyrics to add more emotion.
I like this one because I like quirky.
Good Luck
Les
Thanks Les! I hear this as standard 12 bar blues based on power chords A5, D5, E5 and around 110 - 120 beats per minute with some pauses at key points. I wrote it as an "audience participation" song where everyone can shout out "But cookin' do!" At least that's what I hope it will end up as. I'm still fiddling with the chorus melody and chords/riff though.
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58 minutes ago, john said:
Hey JH
I like the tongue in cheek nature of your lyrics, thugh it does make it a little light on emotion, or at least a bit more one dimensional.
In the chorus for me "'Cause" breaks the flow. I'd consider removing it and maybe making the last line "but cooking sure do"
It'll be hard to get depth of emotion or complexity into it and maintaining the good natured, flippant feeling. Something worth exploring, purely because yo ucan always reverse course.
Cheers
John
I tried the lyrics with and without "cause" in them and I found that it does work better without it. Not so rushed. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm giving it a think about putting more emotion in it, although, like you said it will be hard and still maintain the fun part of the song.
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Hi Les.....it looks to me like the Chorus could be split into a pre-chorus and chorus....with "Til death do us part" hanging there on it's own. just a thought. Nice thoughts and I think emotion.
For everyone else ( and Les..lol).....here's my love song lyrical submission from a slightly different perspective.
Lovin' From the Oven
copyright 2016 JH Michaels
Verse:
When we first met
I took you to the fair
I got you on the Ferris wheel
On my best friend's dare
I put my arm around you
when we stopped way up high
Thought I was so smooth
And you said "How 'bout some pie?"
Pre-chorus:
And there it was
A slice of heaven in your hand
I knew right then
I was a lucky man
Chorus:
Oh it's lovin' from the oven
Your daddy said it's true
It's lovin' from the oven
He said kissin' don't last....
But cookin' do
Verse:
Next thing I know
We're parked out in the sticks
Snuggled up together
But you were on to my tricks
I leaned in close
Lookin' for some kissin'
But you just smiled and said
How 'bout some fried chicken
Pre-chorus:
And there it was
Pure delight
I knew right then
I'd make you my wife
Chorus:
It's lovin' from the oven
Your daddy said it's true
It's lovin' from the oven
He said kissin' don't last....
But cookin do
Verse:
Now after all these years
You're my angel in the kitchen
But there's one small thing
I need to mention
I found out what it was
Your daddy really knew
When the cookin' lasts
The kissin' does too
Pre-chorus:
And here we are
As happy as can be
Just a cookin' and a kissin'
And still makin' steam
Chorus:
It's lovin' from the oven
Your daddy said it's true
It's lovin' from the oven
He said kissin' don't last....
But cookin' do
Chorus Alt:
It's loving from the oven
Your daddy knew it's true
It's lovin' from the oven
When the cookin' lasts....
The kissin' does too
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Hi Everyone!
I've been searching for a forum to help with songwriting that isn't defunct or not working properly!
I've been writing my own songs for a little over a year and a half now and would really like some honest feedback for lyrics and melody. My wife has been my primary critic and I'm hoping that someone here will be a little less harsh.....lol. I love writing songs and wish life hadn't gotten in the way to interrupt music, but on the other hand, it provides me with a lot of material. So cheers all...I hope to get to know you folks better.
1. Do you sing, play an instrument or instruments?
What instruments? Acoustic guitar (her name is Gracie)
When did you start playing? 1979 - 83 then 2014 - present
Did you teach yourself? mostly
2. Are you in a band or bands? No
What is the name of the band?
What do you play?
What other instruments are in the band?
Do you have a band website?
3. Do you write songs? yes
Do you write lyrics, music or both? both
Do you have a writing partner? no
4. Do you record your music? yes
Do you use a home studio? If so what gear do you use? a computer with Audigy software and a Yeti microphone
Do you use a recording studio? no
Do you have music available on the web? if so where? no
5. What other roles do you perform in the music business? None
Management? Label owner? Publishing? Promotion? Other?
6. Are you a tech head? ehhh....depends....software maybe.
7. What country do you live in? USA
8. What are your ambitions? to write 10,000 songs
9. Do you draw/paint/write stories/computer art/dance or other creative pursuit? short stories and essays
What are your pastimes? songwriting, music, surfing, fishing, traditional archery
10. What would you like to get out of Songstuff? tips, feedback, networking, and conversation with people who get it.
I think that covers the main musical things!
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Who's Online 2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 12 Guests (See full list)
Love Song Challenge 2 - Deep, Deep Love
in Writing Challenges
Posted
This is a very good write, Timbre....(I didn't read the previous comments since I'm so behind in responding so I hope I don't pile on) The first spot is V2 third and fourth lines.....it should be more clear who's friendship died.....just a bit confusing there. I really like "trying to climb over the wall she left behind" It gives me a good visual and a sense of frustration. In v3 I'm not sure that forgive is the right path to take....something that might lead him to move on, maybe he will never be able to forgive, but will be able to move on if that makes any sense. I like the chorus line "and hearts keep breaking 'til they open" I was so proud of myself because I got it on the first go 'round. sometimes it takes one heck of a lot breaking to open a closed heart....it fits in with the hook and title imo. overall I think this is a very good song.