Jaded94
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Yeah, I think you should leave it. It's really good the way it is.
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Hmmmmm I really like what you originally had, Maybe you could use something like - "It's like closed eyes seeing for the first time We're both getting older and starting to tire" I'm not sure if that is any help. Christian
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Wow, I think this is an amazing poem. It has great flow and it reads very well. I like whole ' 8 minutes ' thing and the choice of words you have used. Well done. Christian.
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Thank you Timothy, It took me a night to write this poem. No i haven't written any others poems before, I write lots of songs though.
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She is the sea, I am the sand. She's like the sky, I'm like the land. She is the wind, I am the kite, She is like day, I am like night. She is so perfect, I am all jaded. As she shines brightly, My shine has faded. But none of this matters, Because we are one, Endlessly in my heart, Forever and always my love.
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This is a great poem. I enjoyed the rhymes and the rhythm and also the meaning.
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Well hello. My name is Christian and I'm 15. I live in Tasmania, Australia. I play guitar, mostly acoustic, especially my twelve string. I enjoy writing songs and i believe i am a progressing lyricist. I will be posting some of my songs and eventually uploading some audio. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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