JamTimeMusic

Ok, Having been reading the words this morning the only things that were a little confusing were the Pre Choruses but they are ok. I'm cool with everything you said and now I know the story it all makes sense to me and I can see more clearly. I've had a play with some lyrics/changes. Let me know what you think: Just to also comment. Verse 1 and the Middle 8 are spot on. I've made some suggestions for the rest Verse 2 I believed you and I were made one (I believed you and I were faultless) I wondered where I stopped and you began But how in the heat of a moment Does that end Pre options/inspiration: We were (I was) So happy Now I’m lost and empty (Now I’m lost, running empty) We were Just pretending That our love Was never ending Time was We were happy With our lives Now its ending Time was We were happy With our lives Not ordinary Time was We were so good Living life Best that we could Time was We were splendid Our good nights Never ended Chorus - Some new ideas to think about: Options for the first part: You were led by desire (I changed this to YOU because it works better with the middle You held me to the fire And now I’m burned I’m burned You were lead by desire I fell into the fire And now I’m burned Burned You were lead by desire You fell into the fire But now i’m burned I’m burned Chorus 2nd part You led me to the wire Then drove me even higher (This line works really well but I don't get it And Now I’m burnt I’m burnt You had me by a wire (You’ve left me on a wire) (You left me by a wire) (You’ve pushed me to the wire) And pulled it even tighter You say that you still need me But I cannot believe you Now I'm burned I'm burned Are you are still believing There’s something you can give me (There's some way you can heal me) Now I’m burned I’m burned But I'm just pretending That this is not the ending Now I'm burned I'm Burned JD

Hey, I agree with Lazz. Burned works better. I’ve been singing it without the T e.g. Burn... So Burned works better for sure. Tom, I hope that you are still enjoying this collab as much as me. I see you writing many lyric options so hopefully you aren’t growing despondent. It’s harder to write when we can’t bounce ideas off each other in person but we’ll have to be patient. Something that strikes me about this song is it seems a little confused, perhaps as you say the tense’s flip flopping . I was critiqued recently on another song on another site and the critique said my piece was too vague in that I stated that “Someone was the special one” but I never specifically said why she was the special one. E.g. You are everything to me. Well why? You have the cutest blue eyes, you smell so sweet when you walk past me, your lips are so soft to touch. I could say all that rather than say she is Pretty. Perhaps we are lacking a clear story? I’m reading what seems like it will be a good story but it confuses me a little when reading it. I’m not sure if the singer has been betrayed, been loved and lost, hating the person or missing the person. I really here this in a female perspective and oh yes it works very nicely on Piano. I like where the Middle 8 takes the song. From that middle 8 it appears to me that our singer has been cheated on which works really well with the burned subject. Are you confused when reading the story? Is it clear what has happened? I’m gonna keep reading it and thinking of ideas. Oh and perhaps we should decide on the story line. It will help write it. So shall we say man cheated on woman as ever and then she either left him, he left her, or they made up. Which one or any other alternative floats your boat? JD

I will do another Dee. Keep your eye out for collabs. If you have any lyrics post em and let me know. JD P.s. Never too new. Well not in my mind anyway! Welcome.

Hey Tom, The second write is getting real close. I'm running out of time this morning so I can't throw many ideas back. Some thoughts on what hit me: The second Pre the word Splendid is not a word that I think works in a song although it works melodically. On the chorus Wire works for me but Higher isn't working in terms of the story I don't feel. Edge/wedge didnt work due to one too few syllables. I've just listened to my original idea again so I need to sit down and work out the ending of the chorus. I will do that later hopefully. Nice one JD

Hey Tom, Some thoughts on your lyric so far: Burnt I imagine every time you are silent You're hiding behind a wall, and I pretend Somehow if I ask the questions You'll break down Yep, liking the first verse. Time was We were happening (one too many syllables) I think the 'We were happy' line works well. Lust and love (Love and lust)? Overlapping Not sure about these two lines. Seem a bit vague in terms of the story but they work well with the melody. But I was led by desire You held me to the fire And I was burnt (And now I'm burnt) "Was" doesn't scan so well for me. I’m burnt Gut feeling says change the approach more on the repeat but keeping the I'm burnt still E.g. When I kept on trying You fed me to the lions LOL bad example but I think you know what I mean. I’m struggling to concentrate on a good lyric right now as my wife is playing the piano. Now I'm burnt I’m burnt Wounded, I’m leaving While you’re still Still needing me Not sure if the last three lines are needed in the chorus but I will experiment with the melody. I feel it should end "Now I'm burnt" to keep that lyric in the listeners mind. I imagined you and I were made of The finest kind of steel that never bends (interesting line) At first I though hmm but yeah I think it could work. Somehow in a fiery moment We melt down (I like We, but ‘I melt down’ is an alternative) Time was We were happy Black and white, Good and bad days (I feel this last line may rush the melody into the chorus. Again the last two lines a bit vague for me) CHORUS you say that he was meaningless I say I must mean even less You still want the love that we’re in Babe, you’re not the one who’s burnin' Like this M8 alot. I found the melody instantly. It lifts well. CHORUS This song is really coming along Tom. Great work on the lyrics so far. Let me know what you think of my suggestions. JD

Well I generally work on a 50 50 basis with my co writer and that's even if I do the most work. I believe that in a song writing process you inspire me and I inspire you and without each other there would be no song. If you're happy with that then we're all set. It also saves us disagreeing on what is good or not allowing us to concentrate on making the song the best it can be. Sound good? JD

Looks like we posted at about the same time. My response was in reply to the 1st of your last two replies. I think by changing the chorus to YOU rather than LIFE it gives it more impact as it really puts the listener in the driving seat but I'm open to other ideas. I really like the new verse you did. It flows really well with the melody but like you said perhaps doesn't work with the amended chorus lyrics. In my mind the chorus sums everything up and is the crucial part of the song so we should discuss this and decide on the best route to go. I'm also interested by the extra couple of lines that you've written at the end of the chorus. I'll try them tomorrow. JD

Ok this is how I see the chorus re-write: If I change my reword to this: I was lead by desire But YOU held me to the fire And now I'm burnt I'm burnt So figuratively speaking the chorus could be about: E.g Man desires a beautiful woman. She see's this and uses him, so leads him to the fire and then leaves him. Now he's burned because he got hurt. So burned in my eyes is just another way of saying "I got hurt". So to sum the chorus up it would be "I got hurt by you after you used your beauty to get what you wanted". Obviously you could flip it to the female perspective as I actually think it would suit a female voice better. It's a very simple chorus but works. What dya think? JD

but anyway let's move on and focus on the positives from this post. Does anyone have any views on the current lyrics and melody? How can it be improved? Does the lyric tell a story? is there a melodical hook that keeps you wanting to listen? etc.

Tom & Lazz. Thanks for the support. You said everything I feel about this post. Tunesmith. I totally understand and yeah your probably right. Zero posts etc. Nevertheless I wasn't asking for a collaboration with me, I was asking the community to collaborate, to write their lyrics, give feedback to each and then the winner's lyrics get the next challenge. Perhaps I should have waited until I had been here 6 months and posted several hundred posts but hey I just wanted to get people going. Perhaps it's just the community? Maybe everyone is too busy. Who knows. Thanks to Tom for giving it a go. If you want to develop the idea with me some more I'll be happy to. I will stick around the boards and try again later in the year. JD

I was singing along as to your chorus and exploring possibilities when I came across a melody and these slightly revised lyrics fit it really well with what I was singing. For the challenge we should stick to the lyrics but I might send you the melody to see what you think. But I was lead by desire Life held me to the fire And now I'm burnt I'm burnt Burnt or burned not sure. Edit: I've got a verse, pre and chorus melody now. Amended chorus but the rest is there. Linky to idea: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13524799/Burnt.wav There's my melody. Rough but you get the idea. JD

I've started working on a melody for this. Lets hear what you guys have for it. So many possibilities. JD

Cool rewrite dude. Shame about the responses here. Is this thread hidden or something? JD

Hey all, Sorry for the delay. It's a shame to say but out of 370+ views this thread had, I had only one set of lyrics sent to me. It really has to be asked if this site is a community to develop in? But anyway, The winning lyrics are good: Title: Time Was (V1) I imagined every time you were silent You were hiding behind a curtain wet with lies That somehow if I asked a million questions You’d break down, but you never did (bridge) Time was We were happy with our lives Time was It was always on our side (chorus) But we got burned by desire Life held us to the fire And we just kept on making this What time was (V2) Well the world’s the only thing that ever broke down Forgotten wounds time was going to mend I’m sorry I never said how sorry I really was Thinking back I could have been a better friend (bridge) Time was We were all each other had Time was Black and white, good and bad (chorus) But we got burned by desire Life held us to the fire And we just kept on making this What time was (Middle eight/V3) I could have been a better friend than time was Time takes it’s time to mend a broken heart I could have listened more, instead I was impatient And patience is all that time has in the end (bridge) Time was We can make what is, has been Time was We can go back there again (chorus) I feel a strong desire To light a brand new fire And try to be the kind of friend That time was .................. Ok guys, For those of you that are up for it. Time to write your melodies. Please stick to these words. It's a challenge after all to see what we as writers can do. Once you have written your melody please submit it any format here on this post so that we can all view, listen etc. Don't worry if you're not a great singer. I and everyone else will see through that. This is a melody contest now. You have two weeks. Get writing. Maybe we can write a hit??? Jim

Hey all, I see many requests on here for help with lyrics so I'm going to set a challenge/competition to get us going. The purpose of this challenge will be to see if you can write a song geared toward a specific market. This is the challenge: Write a lyrics only song that is targeted at the commercial pop scene in US or UK. When you imagine what type of song that would be I want you to think Katy Perry or Kelly Clarkson type artists. The song can be from a male, female or neutral perspective but it must be about a relationship. The song should conform to the typical standard so: Verse, Bridge, Chorus, Verse, Bridge, Chorus, Middle 8, Chorus. (I know guys from US refer to the middle 8 as the bridge but don't get me started ;p) You have until 10th January 2011 to write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite your song. I say that so many times because any great song writer no matter how good they think their lyrics are always needs a rewrite or 10. Please reply to this post with any draft lyrics that you would like feedback on. Once your song is complete please PM me with your lyrics and song title. Depending on how many entries I've had I will then poll the songs for 1 week for everyone on here to vote for. The winning lyrics will then be used as our next challenge: Writing the tune/melody. Points to consider: If you were listening to the song on the radio would the lyrics keep you interested? The verses should develop the story and provide new information for the listener. The chorus should include the title of the song. Consider use of repetition, rhymes, assonance and alliteration. I will also participate. I look forward to seeing your work. James

hey all, This video below shows a conference with the rap artist Jay z. Rap or hip hop may not be your thing but the advice he gives about the current state of the music industry is spot on. I always wanted to get signed by a major, but now all I want to do is self release. Enjoy James