Someone Spends His Life Something Like This

[67nick]

Someone is spending his life

Hanging on a delicate thread

Of withering relationships, as if

Passing time something like this

Paying off an eternal debt, as if

His feet are swollen

from standing in lines

of rationed water

His children are dying of hunger, as if

Time it takes for echoes to return

Someone whispering his name in the midst

Time is spent with the reflecting mirrors

Someone he knows is within, as if

His eyes are watering profusely with smoke

A fire festering in his heart, as if

Days are passing mighty hard

With people decifering his soul apart

Nights gnaw him into solitude, as if

Nick Kler

[Mazrocon]

It's interesting... I think your poems are the kind of thing where you are in your own little world when you write them and it makes perfect sense to you but sometimes is a little hard for others completely understand it. I think that's when poetry can be at it's best

I think the last 3 lines

Days are passing mighty hard

With people decifering his soul apart

Nights gnaw him into solitude, as if

Complete the poem very nicely!

Keep writing!

~TIMOTHY~

[Dennee]

Someone is spending his life

Hanging on a delicate thread

Of withering relationships, as if

Passing time something like this

Paying off an eternal debt, as if

His feet are swollen

from standing in lines

of rationed water

His children are dying of hunger, as if

Time it takes for echoes to return

Someone whispering his name in the midst

Time is spent with the reflecting mirrors

Someone he knows is within, as if

His eyes are watering profusely with smoke

A fire festering in his heart, as if

Days are passing mighty hard

With people decifering his soul apart

Nights gnaw him into solitude, as if

Nick Kler

Okay, I have to say I'm relieved that this is not a love-gone-wrong poem! I've gotten to where I can't read any more of those. You have something here, but I think it needs some work. First of all, I'd try setting the "As if"s off on a separate line each time, and I think I'd also have the first one come before "hanging" on the delicate thread. In fact, the poem could be shaped like a knotted thread strung together by "as if"s. "As if/ time it takes for echoes to return/someone whispering...." makes, I'm sorry, no sense to me. Could you clarify that bit? You don't need the "the" in front of reflecting mirrors. Deciphering has a ph in the middle. I don't think you can decipher something apart, exactly, but this is your poetic license you're operating on. (Watch that dude with the breathalyzer coming up behind you, though.) If you're going to end with "as if," you might want to put 4 ellipses after it (....) I think you can safely eliminate "are" and "with" in the last verse: "Days passing mighty hard/People deciphering his soul/Nights gnaw him, gnaw him/As if...." would be a good ending. Tighten up, tighten up, tighten up. But don't give up, because you have the makings of a strong poem here.