The Unknown

[DamionAC]

A very emotional song that i wrote.... just after i had some... stuff... happen to me.... just basically wrote my heart out on this one... plese tell me what you think

Here I am trapped in my inner walls,

No one around to even hear my calls,

Wishing someone could save me,

As I drift away so silently,

Tired of all this pain,

Wish I could melt, acid rain,

Take me from this nightmare,

Take me away from all this despair,

Breathing only goes so far,

Maybe if I could wish on a wishing star,

The world would be right,

And I could sleep tonight,

But I can’t help with others have done,

As I watch my mood be the setting sun,

Tears flow down my face,

As I look on with such disgrace,

A child abused again,

And people in a church final words of amen,

The death of one is so untimely,

Taking one by one it’s so unkindly,

Why would a God do this to his own creation?

Is this really the leading to the damnation?

The f*cked up world we live in,

Makes us lost so we give in,

And we trust those we love,

But really it’s lost above,

These feelings we hold,

Can make us so dormant and cold,

But sooner or later we learn,

That is world is none of our concern

[Mazrocon]

I've never seen you in the poets section before.

May I be the first to say this is very powerful and deep stuff. I'm not sure what personal/tragic thing happened to you, but it does feel that you poured your heart out on this one.

A couple suggestions however (perhaps they are just typos).

"But I can’t help with others have done,"

This line confuses me.... do you mean to say "But I can't help WHAT others have done,"?

"That is world is none of our concern"

I think you mean to say "That THIS world is none of our concern"... or perhaps "his".

I think this is one of the most emotional (makes you think) type songs (or poems) that you've written! I like how it goes from depression, to utter frustration then at the last line to a kind of acceptance.

5 stars from me!

~TIMOTHY~

[Gary]

Hi, the entire tone sounds claustrophobic, like you are in a small box and can't get out. The part about God and why would he do something like this is something that, I think anyone that has ever heard of "God" has thought about from time to time. It's much easier to blame someone/thing when all we really need to do is accept the things we can't change, and change the things we can. Sorry if that sounded preachy

[Alyricman]

Hi DamionAC, this is very emotional and direct song with a lot of hard words... This is my favorite part:

'These feelings we hold,

Can make us so dormant and cold,

But sooner or later we learn,

That is world is none of our concern' - very well written for the end of this poem... we don't know what can be next.

...But I don't like this line: 'The f*cked up world we live in,'

Very good job!

[loonarlytooned]

The first paragraph is the most well written, I think.

[DaniGirl13xx]

I love this poem. It has a strong tone, but it isnt abrasive. I like how the poem changes topic from time to time, but still flows, and stays reined into the central topic. Good job

[DamionAC]

Thank you everyone, means alot to have all these positive reviews to my poem... Just some things that happened that caused me to explode and its good that it did haha