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Short Rap Verse

By bronzerebel
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bronzerebel

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This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different

She'll pull the strings on your heart then make you feel indifferent

These homies trippin', this drinks got me slippin'

I f*cking hate you but I'll still dial you up while my soul is rippin'

This pounding in my chest is persistent, rebel get the f*ck out of your head

How many layers can you shed before all this bullshit is dead?

A defeated man doesn't bleed red

A heartless woman isn't satisfied until she's caught in this cycle again

Yeah these niggas are ashtrays, just burn them with your cigarettes

Just wipe the sweat off your brow and be with that asshole again

Lost in the west cuz we surrounded by 808's and no purity

A bright future turned into maternity

Too much action in the hands, too much dexterity

Nothing but a screen with no clarity

Problems so deep that not even Katie Couric could see the disparity

Stuck in a sickness but you ain't gunna get a remedy

It hurts too see but it's clear too me

That you just looking for some security

Seeing the real you is such a rarity, girl please get off your knees and fix your insecurities

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justsoulin

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She'll pull the strings on your heart then make you feel indifferent - oblivion?

 

A bright future turned into maternity ? you mean eternity?

 

Seems too many words the same, just by adding say a prefix - different/indifferent/security/insecurities etc

 

I'm also having trouble keeping up with the changes in what you're talking about - maybe because it's short?

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bronzerebel

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I'm not being rude or anything man I was just confused with your critique. The word maternity is being used as a metaphor for throwing away her future by getting pregnant. The word pregnancy would ruin the flow. That's why I asked if you listened too hip hop, but I still appreciate it

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justsoulin

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You came off as rude, flippant and arrogant. Apology accepted.

 

So in your world of hip-hop, you're telling me that context and use of a word out of it, is acceptable? That using a noun to describe and not an adjective is acceptable?

 

Maternity clothes, maternity ward etc.

 

And as far as your 'flow' goes, C & T both have the E

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justsoulin

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I realise they're different, but it makes it very hard to critique when you've got metaphors and nouns replacing ways you can say that make more sense - regardless of a classic structure. It means they become meaningless as you can completely miss the point, know what I mean?

 

I don't get the argument that "it has to end in the same letters" to rhyme.

 

I'd much rather hear a line like - She'll pull the strings on your heart then send you to oblivion

 

Rather than "She'll pull the strings on your heart then make you feel indifferent".

 

Tell you what, here's a challenge for ya:-

 

Write a post explaining the ins and outs of rap/hip-hop lyrics, that will allow members to better understand the 'rules' you need to follow.

 

In doing this, you should get more and better fedback.

 

Will you?

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omenrama

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Would splitting some of the lines in half make the rhythm more natural for the reader? Beginning with the first line.

 

For example:       This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different                     This girl ain't average,

                                                                                                                          No this bitch is different.

 

 

 

Any experienced song writers here that can tell me if that makes any difference at all in the readers rhythm?

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justsoulin

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Would splitting some of the lines in half make the rhythm more natural for the reader? Beginning with the first line.

 

For example:       This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different                     This girl ain't average,

                                                                                                                          No this bitch is different.

 

 

 

Any experienced song writers here that can tell me if that makes any difference at all in the readers rhythm?

 

In reading any lyric, to feel (or mentally hear) the beat/rhythm, breaking it down into let's say breaths, like a comma shows a pause, helps to build the beat for us.

 

If you have one line with 20 words and showing no pause and the next line with only 10 words and no pause, which words are rushed and which are elongated ? - for example :)

 

In standard writing, it's easier.

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Boston

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I like it honestly your freestyle is better but, what this needs is a more colorful end lines for example you contentiously end with repeats or the same word with a sufix or prefix if you want to make it sound better drop more slants at your end or make the ends multies 

 

"This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different 

She'll pull the strings on your heart then make you feel indifferent."

​this bar has good set up in my mind but I think the second line killed it I would suggest this as a replacement for the second line.

"This girl ain't average no this bitch is different

she'll take your word ravage flick you of without even dissing"

 

although I like it theres more to work on. 

that's my feed back.

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justsoulin

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What he means is:

 

This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different

 

I think since some words may have only a part of them stressed, it's better to underline the stressed part. Stress = what lands on the beat.

 

This girl ain't average, no this bitch is different

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