Challenge #33 - One Day Came The Fall

[sgtsoul]

This one is close to the heart, and takes me back to the time of a relationship breakup that left me homeless, living in a car in the almost Antarctic winter of Tasmania in 2007 (with a brief stay in a rubber room). It is about despair. As for music, I am thinking minor chords, simple sad piano backing etc maybe even a sax solo
 

It snowed this morning,
never thought I’d say that.
The sun was always shining, looking back...
It never rained much at all,
Then one day came the fall.

Words have never failed me,
'til I found you’d gone away.
No goodbyes I guess you had nothing left to say...
We’d both said it all,

Then one day came the fall.
 

CHORUS1
Words were thrown, true colours shown,
If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything...
Your cover’s blown but I’d always known,
That we’d see this day, so don’t say anything.

 

Slow-motion space surrounds 
me In this empty bed

I’m as cold and empty as the words you never said...

You know I hit the wall,

Then one day came the fall.

 

The moment that it hit me,
that I couldn’t make you stay.
I tried to look forward, live to love another day...

I’d had then lost it all,
Then one day came the fall.

 

CHORUS2

Being alone cuts to the bone,

I don’t know where to turn when I’ve lost everything...

A dial tone, a silent phone,

Nobody to talk to when I’ve lost everything.

 

Words were thrown, true colours shown,
If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything...
Your cover’s blown but I’d always known,
That we’d see this day, so don’t say anything.

 

You know I hit the wall,

Then one day came the fall
(repeat/fade out)

Edited May 1, 2014 by sgtsoul

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Sgt, I like your work here. you have a very descriptive story but keep it general enough so it can fit anyone's loneliness. I think that makes a great song when lots of people can identify with what you're saying so good job there.

I have a couple of suggestions that you can ignore or contemplate: 

1. Your hook is not in the chorus. It doesn't really have to be but since you end with the chorus, this is what the listener hears last and keeps in their mind, so I would either change the song title to: Don't say Anything and fade out on that line or I might put these lines at the end of the chorus and fade out on your hook/title:

You know I hit the wall

Then one day came the fall (repeat/fade out)

 

 

or

2. The fact that your hook/title is at the end of each verse made me feel like you were writing in the AAA style but then there was a chorus so...not sure if the chorus is even necessary. Maybe take the first chorus out and make the second one a bridge?

 

3. Your third verse rhyme structure is different than the other verses so it distracted me (PO)

 

I think with a few tweeks, this could be a clean piece of work! I'd love to hear it to music!
All the best Lisa

[sgtsoul]

Cheers Lisa, I actually found some great assistance in your post. I've kept the chorus as they are, and have added the repeat/fade of the hook lines....just to see how they look. I have also fixed that 3rd verse (it didn't sound right when I did a sing-thru so I thought it may end up getting fixed) and I like the new line better. Since it doesn't appear I can change the title line of the thread, I guess the original song title stays for now. 

Thanks a lot

[Lisa Gates]

Great! I can hear the hook much stronger now. Hope it helps bring the song together.

[sgtsoul]

Cheers Les. I much prefer the 1st chorus myself actually.