Challenge #36 All On You

[JayzE]

You left me for others, my lover, my friend
I’m not sure if my broken heart will ever mend
I thought that we had an unbroken bond
Still maybe I’d go back with the wave of my wand

My wand that I used to get you in the first place
My place was where I first saw your sweet face
To face you my nerves I needed to acquire
Acquire a sense of grace so I’d face my desire
Desire for you
You had me all too
But that’s not enough
Not what you’d normally do
But I didn’t know
You had 3 on the go
How foolish of me
You ARE infidelity

Our love was something I could shout about
But now all that’s left is just fear and doubt
Fear that I’ll let you break my heart again
Doubt you’ll get your chance, to my chagrin.

Your eyes blinded me to the whole truth
The truth that had me relive my youth
Youthful when it happened the first time
The first time I said it was the last time
How can it be
In love maybe
My lucks not there
But you don’t care
I’ve suffered enough
Yeah I’m not so tough
Cos I still have a heart
Though it's torn apart

You left me for others, my lover, my friend
I’m not sure if my broken heart will ever mend
I thought that we had an unbroken bond
Still maybe I’d go back with the wave of my wand

So it’s true
You loved a few
Thought that would do
Well I never knew
It is taboo
Why did you do
What you thought was new
Because now we’re through

You broke my heart in two
And it’s all.. on..  you

 

 

©2014 Jay Egan

[jamestoffee]

Hi Jay,

 

Good start

 

It's an interesting concept.  I'm not sure the singer is cast in the best light as it seems he used "magic" to put a "love spell" on the woman....but then the spell wears off, or maybe it's too strong and she can't help falling in love with whoever she meets; which would justify the infidelity.

 

Suggestions: 

 

#1

Consider the singer's voice or POV that the vocabulary and concepts are coming from the same type of character:

 

These words seem like an older/old fashioned person: mend, unbroken bond,  acquire, infidelity, chagrin, suffered, taboo

 

These words are more slang: You had 3 on the go, something I could shout about, Yeah, I’m not so tough, Cos

 

#2

Here the singer was the one doing the deception with "magic"

Your eyes blinded me to the whole truth......I don't understand how "her eyes" could blind him and what "whole truth" is he is referring to.

 

Also it's strange that he calls her his friend and then tells he might use a magic wand to make her love him again....what kind of friendship would that be?

 

Take or toss the suggestions as you see fit.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James
 

[ames1212]

I liked the concept and it flowed very well. The second verse was a little off to me,It felt like you used face and place a little too much. Maybe change it up a little. I enjoyed the chorus and thought it had a good vibe in the lyrics. Just a few tweaks and it will be really good.