First Post In This Section

[bronzerebel]

What's good everyone? I've been on sing stuff for and a while now and it's pretty dope to see a hip hop only section. This is just something quick that I write and some feedback would be cool - rebel

Yeah I'm just tired of shining bright so when I burn out just put me at the bottom of the sea

But the sad part is that I'm goin' in so blind that I don't know where Imma be

Getting to the gates so early, homie too bad I lost the p

Yeah I looked god in the eyes and I still couldn't even see

He just gave me a stern look, they told him that it was my time but he disagreed

He just pointed his finger in anger like I just took the fall for Eve

Then he just threw me away, let me fall in the Eve

No he didn't even recycle, he just threw me back into this world of transparency

He laughed and said "when you fall you're going back to the top cuz stars can't go under a tree"

Then put me on the peak and laughed while he stomped on the fallen leaves

Yelling that he's just crushin' my problems to give me some reprieve

Shakin' his fist at my right side so the devil on my shoulder would flee

Then he promised that he'll meet me for real one day, glued this pen to my hand when I didn't agree

Then he gave me his 10 digits, told me to call him if someone ever said my success be a monopoly

Gave me a direct line so I could reach him properly

Screamin' my heart into a speaker, yeah a rebel's prophecy

Edited July 23, 2014 by bronzerebel

[Blazeit27]

Wassup Bronzerebel; my critique is as you continue to write, try to stay on one perspective or way of looking at the 'situation.'(or what I 'believe' is expressed here).

Been shining for a while but I know shining has its fee

My glare blinds at times, can't be sure of where I'll be..

I saw god's eyes and yet I couldn't see

I told him people thought I should leave

He only Showed to disagree.

He just pointed his finger, in anger toward me; like I just took the fall for Eve

Then he just let me go, & had me fall with Eve.

he didn't recycle, he just threw me back into this world of transparencies

As he said "yeah, you fell yesterday but today I'll bring you to the top, cuz stars don't go under a-tree"

Then, as he put me on the peak, he stomped on some leaves..

Saying "I'm displaying my glory through you, now Go my son. this is your reprieve"

Blowing his Truth at my right side, from my shoulder the devil took his leap.

(he promised that he'll meet me for real one day, glued this pen to my hand when I didn't agree

Then he gave me his 10 digits, told me to call him if someone ever said my success be a monopoly

Gave me a direct line so I could reach him properly) im thinking you should replace or remove these two lines

Screamin' my heart into a speaker, yeah a rebel's prophecy.

My bad if im wrong about your intended expression brother. Just trying to help

Jah Bless

[bronzerebel]

Yeah this actually really helps, you blew my shit outta the water homie! Thanks for the feedback man I'll keep working at it

[omenrama]

Dope:) I would like to hear you completely flush out a specific concept or idea from beginning to end. I watched the (something from nothing docu) when it was released; I recently watched it and ,(I think it was Grandmaster Caz), that gave me a common sense idea that really helped with my consistency in concept and narrative. He began with the ending. he asked, "Where do you want your rhyme to end up?". Knowing where you want to go helps one to not stray so much when writing. When writing mostly freeform, it feels as though we are constricting ourselves when we try out disciplined writing.

Edited July 28, 2014 by omenrama