Freestyle

[TheRunaway]

So I wrote this freestyle last night when I was drunk. I was pretty surprised by the quality considering the state of mind I was in and I'm just looking for some critique on it

 

 

I'm drinking from my fears so somebody hand me the chase/
I think it started when she said "f*ck the leather" and started to wear lace/ 
Cuz I'm a rock in a hard place and
I just wanna f*ck her face/ 
Maybe f*ck her mind if I can find the time/
She says she wants hers but I'm always gettin' mine/
I'm sneakin' outside after she cries/
Doin' line after line/
She wants a monster to her Frankenstein/
She a Jekyll but I runaway to hide/ 
Girl take it from a criminal loving me is a crime/
I got evil intentions intended for a girl to be mended/
She's more of an angel descended/ and I'm a runaway pretending/ to be a sour scent represented/ full while I'm hollow/
Shes a sweet taste, I'm just bitter to swallow/
Yeah I just want her to stay, I'm not something to follow/
She landed from a different planet and I'm still drifting away on Apollo/ driving on auto burning my hands on the rings of Saturn/ 
Mascaras running down her face cuz she's tired of my patterns/ 
I wipe it away just to act like she still matters/
Cuz she love me with her soul and mines already shattered/
She deserves to be flattered but I'm leaving the morning after/ 
She takes the pill while she's mourning after/
Kissing my lips to see if I still exist/
She fell in love but I tripped/ 
A rebel ripped to let go asking why she gripped/ 
I don't wanna break her heart so I cover it slowly saying sorry that I slipped/
Baby I'm the devil gone with his temper drawn/ trying to find sanity to put it on/ 
You're wrapping your arms around a cherry bomb/ ready to explode for the flow/ and the dough/
I really love her but I don't know if she knows/ 
If she leaves I don't know if Imma hold/
Girl I'm about to blow/
Don't go/

 

 

 

 

    

Edited May 3, 2015 by TheRunaway

[Harry]

these lyrics are solid they flow well and the content is there some pretty good imagery and references in there too i would focus on rhymes and tecnicality so use some more multis to keep consistencey and add some internals to keep a solid structure bar in bar out

[TheRunaway]

Yeah that's what I was thinking too man. I think I just have to sit down and rewrite this one to get a better end verse

[Harry]

yea man gs tho

[TheRunaway]

Thanks homie