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* Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs



* “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.



* We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.



* I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.



* I childproofed the house… but they still get in!


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Long ago I wanted to be a comedian and started coming up with jokes for a standup routine. I had a list of "head-up-ass" burns I started. Here's a couple:


- He’s got his head so far up his ass, he can floss his teeth just by blinking.


- Great job! Give yourself a pat on the back. And, while you're hands back there, reach down and pull your head out of your ass.

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