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[Chef Max]

Imma take it from here
Enemies dissappear everclear
Lames turn ghost when i start scribing the notes
f*ck outta here
We ain't on the same tier
The Kick back years 
Is returning 
Bringing it back cause the people been yearning
f*ck your earnings cause you
Feeding the vermin 
Scars from the burning 
I'm dispersing on all you trespassers 
It get hot in them saunas a barrage of 
Embalmings comming at you bastards like chest passes
Pass the pastor your last words
Begin confessing your sins
This test ain't for jestin these palms leave you congested no weapons necessary 
Clear your conscious 
You really bout to see if
you can get in-peep
My whole sector of perfection is 10
Every catagory I'm enormous My whole  pedigree kin
with kings That captured the jin
Wardrobe gorgeous I'm adorned With knowledge and wisdom
I pen hymns for the next generation 
You hating then you placing chips to your end
And tipping the scales

Towards your defeat

ain't none of y'all f*cking with me

[Yung Wavy]

Dont really like it because you seem to rhyme your way through the song instead of putting rhymes in a proper context to create a meaning.. 

 

 

On 20.10.2016 at 4:57 AM, Chef Max said:

Imma take it from here
Enemies dissappear everclear
Lames turn ghost when i start scribing the notes
f*ck outta here

...

 

 

f*ck your earnings cause you
Feeding the vermin 
Scars from the burning 
I'm dispersing on all you trespassers 
It get hot in them saunas a barrage of 
Embalmings comming at you bastards like chest passes

 

 

 

the beginning is actually alright, line 1 - 2 into give a solid intro and establish the theme but in line 3 you are already talking about random stuff just because it happens to rhyme..

 

the second part quoted you are basically using weird words just for the sake of rhyming them (a good rhyme is made up of words that are daily used in conversations and are still not boring or 1-2 vowel words). also since barrage and bastards do not rhyme, you are basically using two lines of text just for the rhyme trespasser/ chest passes, which is really not a way to convince your audience that you are a sick lyricist

 

anyways, just my honest opion.. focus on context and storytelling before getting into complex rhymes and schemes!

 

 

Edited November 8, 2016 by Yung Wavy

[Force]

Quote

Enemies dissappear everclear

 

Right off the bat we have a pretty good punchline. Even if you decide to trash the rest of the rap, keep this one around and maybe tweak it to fit whatever flow you end up using. For example, if we were in a bit more laid-back flow, you could take that line and make it "You know the haters ghosting on me now: Everclear" or something similar. Just keep any punchline you think of in something like a notebook so that when you need one you can pull out the notebook and find one that rhymes.

 

Quote

I'm dispersing on all you trespassers 
It get hot in them saunas a barrage of 
Embalmings comming at you bastards like chest passes
Pass the pastor your last words

 

This bit is honestly trying too hard. You're trying to get an internal rhyme scheme going when you've been sticking to just sequential rhymes before here, and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, the imagery is all over the place with this little bit. You've got saunas, some ancient Egypt, and Friday night confession/last rites. Honestly, you'd be better off not showing off your oblique rhymes (tresspassers/chest passes or saunas/embalmings) until there's actually a place they fit well. That way, instead of coming off like you did something just so people would go "ooh, nice rhymes there," you'll leave them going "Damn, he just went hard in on that."

 

For example, one of the most lyrically complex raps ever written is "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (not passing judgement on it, but there are fewer words that DON'T rhyme than words that DO in those verses) and it would be worthless if all that clever rhyming didn't tell the story of Rabbit's struggle for greatness.

 

Quote

Wardrobe gorgeous I'm adorned With knowledge and wisdom
I pen hymns for the next generation 
You hating then you placing chips to your end
And tipping the scales

Towards your defeat

ain't none of y'all f*cking with me

 

Honestly, this part is really in need of redoing, at least as far as the rhymes go. "Wardrobe gorgeous" is good, maybe even good enough to kick-start another verse, but you didn't follow through in a satisfying manner. You abandon the long O that you have going and go to short I and short O and never go back. For example, compare this line to yours: "Wardrobe gorgeous, adorned like the Four Horsemen." See, mine isn't any better than yours content-wise, but because I stuck with the O through the whole line, it sounds like it's continuous. Then after that, you've got little rhymes that just stretch it a bit too far, like "Generation" and "end" which aren't quite close enough to make it work. You do finish with a strong rhyme though, so you ended on a high note.

 

But that's just my opinion, man. Feel free to take it or leave it.

[RikGrimesIsDead]

its a all round nice piece bro! few changes here and there and you may have a nice track.what sound of beat goes with this?was you going accapella?