New spoken word poem! (please do NOT hold back!)

[MomentOfTruth]

THE FIRST ROTI

 

I remember a time when I used to wake up every Saturday morning to 

Hot, fresh, roti...

(Guyanese accent)

baaaaiiiiiiii

I would have the crust still in'na me eye, me naw gun bother wipe it.

My one had too busy rubbin' me belly, the other hand?

moppin' me mouth cuz the drool, wouldn't stop rollin' down me chin!

The air, hot and thick with one of the sweetest scents man had ever smelled...

 

Rule of the house; Father must get the first roti...  Me ain't care!

Same way me gon sneak outta de bedroom I shared wit me 3 brothers dem,

past me father's bedroom, (the door was always opened)

then by the dinning table without knockin' me fatass against it,

creep behind she in the kitchen while she watch CP24 and steal the first roti...

With NO success, every Saturday mornin'!

 

(NA accent)

 

I remember a time when my mother used to look at my father with such passion, support, respect, unconditional love...

me looking up at her, her looking up at him... seeing that sparkle...

I told myself I wouldn't settle until I found a woman that had the same stare my mother had for my father.

 

But every year the stare changed; the inside of the brows began to press together,

the ends of the lips began to hang on by a new stubble, then eventually it didn't matter who took the first roti,

to there being no roti at all.

 

Now when I visit, my father weeps, looks with his stare lowered, he speaks of loneliness, guilt, shame, regret...

 

It's very rare the air is filled with anything other than the salty, cold draft that seems to surround the place I once called home.

 

Eventually all the late bill payments, overdraft charges, crushed cockroaches, mix-up- story from Mom's side of the family,

neighbourhood shootings, stabbings, and the common crack stench in the stairwell took its toll on their relationship.

What used to be a real live moment, is now the good 'ole times - everything became nostalgic.

 

When a feeling like love becomes nostalgic, you realise how much time you spend alive sleeping.

 

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

I have no idea what roti is, but I found this quite interesting to read.  (NA accent), not sure what NA stands for either, but following the parentheses, there seems a change in dialect.  I must admit, the dialect added interest.  However the plot that unfolds seems most definitely from the observations of a youth in the middle and I really love the perspectives of the young.  

 

This line:  Somehow, I get it.  "I told myself I wouldn't settle until I found a woman that had the same stare my mother had for my father."

 

I love the specificity of this:  

But every year the stare changed; the inside of the brows began to press together,

the ends of the lips began to hang on by a new stubble, then eventually it didn't matter who took the first roti,

to there being no roti at all.

 

To me, your ending implies that the child (now adult) never did know the actual root of the change in mother's expressions or why the father held such guilt, loneliness, shame and regret and is grasping at what it was that led to it.

 

To me, this feels more a story form, like the opening chapter of a book, rather than a poem, but I found it interesting all the same.

 

 

 

 

[MomentOfTruth]

haha, roti is essentially a flatbread, its originated in India and the West Indies. Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it! I really didn't want to put American/ Canadian accent lmao, so i went with north american (who says I can't have the best of both worlds?) I agree with you, it does come off as more a story. I wrote this for a spoken word night and the theme was love, I think that might give context as to why I see it as a spoken word poem... It's something that actually needs to be performed I guess.

[Capo3tanya]

Hi Moment of Truth,

 

I cannot shake it, so I'm going to post it.  This makes me think of Les Claypool (primus).  It was very interesting, and I couldn't help but hear it as a mumbled neurotically insane lyric on top of some hard core bass riffing and heavy drums. Don't know if that's your style, but that's what I heard. Very interesting, I like!

[MomentOfTruth]

Thanks! I never thought it could fit into something like that!

[Capo3tanya]

Hehe! I do, I really couldnt shake it i was afraid that might offend you lol. 

[MomentOfTruth]

oh no, haha, nothing you said was offensive

[Capo3tanya]

Good! Cuz I think this would be seriously awesome as a "primus" song lol.  It's pretty cool!