Looking for feedback on lyrics (negative and honest is fine and will not cause offense) and/or potential collaberators to turn this into something more.

[Philip Berent]

Call on God (working title which i would like to change)

You can call on God, but he ain't listening

He left early to attend a christening

They blessed the baby, but forgot its name

In 35 years, he'll be playing the game
 

A Game of pool in a basement somewhere

As his girl looks on with a vacant stare

He downs number seven and he downs his beer

And he looks back with a twisted leer

And the lights start flashing

And the sound of crashing

And feet on the stair

And he runs for the door

And the open air.

You better move on fast

Leave it all behind

Nothing to stay for

But Nowhere to go

You jump in the front seat

Your heart is racing

You turn the key

But they are still chasing

3 guys at the corner

Hard hearts and hard eyes

But the engine starts

And you leave them behind.

You can call on God, but the phone keeps ringing

He's at a show where Gabriel is singing.

Just an old song, Jeux Sans Frontières

Another hundred miles and you might be clear.

Clear to the docks then the sea turns rough

He pays the captain but it's not enough

So he gives his watch and he's losing time

But he goes below to the dirt and grime

And the thunder crashing

And the lightning flashing

And feet on the stair

And he runs to the deck

And the open air

You can call on God but he doesn't exist

Just the blow to the gut of an angry fist

And the crashing waves

And a silent mist

 

[john]

Hi Philip

 

Welcome to Songstuff. 

 

This board is for introductions so you probably won’t get much in the way of critique. I’m not complaining. We have different boards for different topics and members expect certain content and activities in those places.

 

There are dedicated critique boards for lyrics and for song recordings. There, members are expected to contribute critique of  each other’s lyrics. You don’t need to be experienced, you just need to put in some effort, be honest and be constructive. That is not the same as “only say positive things”. I mean be helpful. When you see something, make suggestions that might help. Similarly when you get feedback, please respond to everyone that leaves a comment. It’s meant to be a discussion for all involved.

 

What about you? What are your goals for your songs? Do you play any instruments? Record your songs?

 

Cheers

 

John