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Looking for feedback on lyrics (negative and honest is fine and will not cause offense) and/or potential collaberators to turn this into something more.

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Call on God (working title which i would like to change)

You can call on God, but he ain't listening
He left early to attend a christening
They blessed the baby, but forgot its name
In 35 years, he'll be playing the game
A Game of pool in a basement somewhere
As his girl looks on with a vacant stare
He downs number seven and he downs his beer
And he looks back with a twisted leer
And the lights start flashing
And the sound of crashing
And feet on the stair
And he runs for the door
And the open air.

You better move on fast
Leave it all behind
Nothing to stay for
But Nowhere to go
You jump in the front seat
Your heart is racing
You turn the key
But they are still chasing
3 guys at the corner
Hard hearts and hard eyes
But the engine starts
And you leave them behind.

You can call on God, but the phone keeps ringing
He's at a show where Gabriel is singing.
Just an old song, Jeux Sans Frontières
Another hundred miles and you might be clear.

Clear to the docks then the sea turns rough
He pays the captain but it's not enough
So he gives his watch and he's losing time
But he goes below to the dirt and grime
And the thunder crashing
And the lightning flashing
And feet on the stair
And he runs to the deck
And the open air

You can call on God but he doesn't exist
Just the blow to the gut of an angry fist
And the crashing waves
And a silent mist
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Hi Philip


Welcome to Songstuff. :)


This board is for introductions so you probably won’t get much in the way of critique. I’m not complaining. We have different boards for different topics and members expect certain content and activities in those places.


There are dedicated critique boards for lyrics and for song recordings. There, members are expected to contribute critique of  each other’s lyrics. You don’t need to be experienced, you just need to put in some effort, be honest and be constructive. That is not the same as “only say positive things”. I mean be helpful. When you see something, make suggestions that might help. Similarly when you get feedback, please respond to everyone that leaves a comment. It’s meant to be a discussion for all involved.


What about you? What are your goals for your songs? Do you play any instruments? Record your songs?





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