Wonderful, Cruel Boy - You Killed Me

[MissMurder]

What a luck, the guy is France now ...

But what do you think? Can I leave the contrast between these simple rhymes and the text at the end?

Please feel free to write down your opinion.

.....Thank you very much.....

Wonderful, cruel Boy - You killed me

Because of you I can't cry, because of you I can't die

Because of you I can't sleep, because of you I just bleed

Because of you I am sad, because of you I am mad

Because of you I can't be, because of you I can't see

Because of you I can't hide, because of you I can't find

Because of you I just feel pain, because of you I'll never be the same

Because of you I'm deeply hurt, because of you I'm lying in the dirt

Because of you I am lost, because of you I don't know how to trust

Because of you I can't moove, because of you I can't proove (myself)

Because of you I can only stare, because of you I just can't bare (it any longer)

Because of you I don't know what to do, because of you I'll never know what's true

I only know that I gave so much love to you

and you said so damn cruel 'No'

It was good to see you after that long time

but it hurt so much though

You were happy and you danced

You didn't see me

Did you ever do?!

Are you really happy?

Are you?!

Are you sad?

You deserve nothing bad

Your hair's so pretty, I love your smile

I just wanted to make you mine

And you treated me so bad

but I can't hate you for that

I was so damn in love with you

I always do

But you'll forget about me

I mean nothing to you

Why did you?

Why?!

[Mudknot]

Gave me a Dr. Suess vibe . Just kidding. I thought it was godd. I have to say, I liked the end better than the 'because of you' part. I think they work fine together.

Keep it up!

[john]

Hey

I like the rawness of this.

You have used two structures. A rigid structure in the first half and a pretty free form approach in the second, but even within free styles your work will benefit from consistancy on some level.

The "Because" section is rigidly structured. Splitting each of the typed lines in two, the Rhyme scheme is AABBCCDD etc. based on full rhymes.

In the second half the rhyme scheme is all over the place. ABCB, AABB, or even ABCD where D uses an internal rhyme. For me this is a bit too chaotic, especially taken within the context of the first section. In terms of structure t's almost like two poems stuck together.

imho the "Because of you" section is too long, when coupled to the second section (does that make sense?), but I wouldn't suggest losing any lines, more re-distribute the lines to help tie the poem together.

Thematically it works, but there are a couple of points where the logical flow breaks down or jars the reader. Not because of the emotion that is expressed, but because the flow is lost, or obscured.

I would suggest an edit to bring a bit more consistancy to the second half, and try and take a few of the because of you lines into the free-er second half. Alternatively maybe and ending with "Because of me.." would work nicely.

Hope the comments are of some use!

Cheers

John

[MissMurder]

thanks very much for your good advice. The problem always is, that I'm too emotional in the moment of writing something. That's why the things are a little confused sometimes. I try to revise things more often in the future