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[olivejuice3]

this i wrote shortly after my friend tried to commit suicide. this was my first poem ever so sorry for it being so predictable

She cried a million tears on end

Always lonely with no true friend

All the mascara spots on the pillow

Blur as the blood starts to flow

The paramedics quickly rush in

Stop stunned at the sorrowful sin

The ambulance echoes through a sleepy town

As the pulse gets fainter, they slowly frown

A bright light blinds her half conscious eyes

Then a pair of loving eyes the color of blue skies

Gaze into hers, warming her deepest core

Hope enters her mind

Something to live for.

[nigel lawry]

good job done at the time...........

now for the truth

1 you could turn this into a longer verse by way of after thought

2 if it feels like a strugle(and it is to read) let it go

3 all of the above..distance your self from it

4 try to read it as a reader not an authour

5 above all be true to yourself  if it hurts then let it

not much good at advice am i

peace

as always

nigel

[olivejuice3]

no thanx really. i need this advice. keep it coming

[Nightwolf]

Hey Katie,

Welcome back, would you like me to try to smooth it out for you?

[olivejuice3]

o please! i need all the help i can get ! thanx

[Nightwolf]

I think it flows better like this, feel free to use or not use anything I suggest here. I think it is a real good Poem.

She cried a million tears on end

Always alone with no true friend

Mascara spots on the pillow

Blur as the blood starts to flow

The paramedics rush in

Stopping stunned at the sorrowful sin

The ambulance echoes through a sleepy town

As the pulse gets fainter, they start to frown

A bright light blinds her half conscious eyes

A pair of loving eyes the color of blue skies

Gazing into hers, warming her deepest core

Hope enters her mind

Something to live for.

I wanted badly to get rid of the loving eyes part, but can't figger a way around it.

Namaste'

John Nightwolf

[Nightwolf]

P.S. Something to live for would be a great name for it.

[olivejuice3]

thanx nightwolf, you once again prove to be my muse i still think that line with loving eyes has too many rhyming parts in it that it gets distracting...i cant figure out how to get around it....any suggestions?

[Nightwolf]

i still think that line with loving eyes has too many rhyming parts in it that it gets distracting...i cant figure out how to get around it....any suggestions?

Those were my thoughts exactly. I'll roll it around a little more.

Whhhheeeeeeeee

[Nightwolf]

A bright light blinds her half conscious eyes  

staring back at her was the color of blue skies  

Gazing into hers, warming her deepest core  

Hope enters her mind  

Something to live for.

Just an idea

[nigel lawry]

thanx nightwolf, you once again prove to be my muse i still think that line with loving eyes has too many rhyming parts in it that it gets distracting...i cant figure out how to get around it....any suggestions?

a warm imbrace from heavenly skies

just a notion

nigel

[olivejuice3]

thanx nigel and john you guys have helped me so much i think i prefer johns version only because it keeps the eyes in the rhyme which is a key part to me and my friend   thnx again!